About me and my affair story:
Hi, I’m Debbie. My affair story may be different than yours, but I’m sure you’ll find some similarities.
You may even agree with me that the pain and heartache our infidelity caused us, and our husbands, was beyond what we thought through at the time.
I’m doing what many will likely say is foolish,
I’m taking off my mask of trying to look like I have it all together (who really does anyway?),
and laying aside my habit of perfectionism (that’s still a work in progress),
to share my story and what helped me personally to heal after my affair.
Also, what helped my husband to finally heal and begin trusting me again, and what we did to restore our marriage.
I’ll share just as I would a close friend over coffee, so pull up a chair.
I’m so very glad you’re here.
You are in a safe place with no judgement and shame.
“Often our biggest failures and regrets
become our path to change and a bridge
to helping others through their pain.”
That is what I hope this site becomes for you, my new friend.
A bridge of hope to know things can be different, no matter how far you have fallen or how deeply you are hurting right now.
Because I have been where you are…
As a Christian woman, who had loved and walked with God for many years, I let myself drift away from what I knew to be good and right, and various things led me down a path I thought I could never go.
After nineteen years of marriage and three boys, I crossed that line by having an affair in 2007.
Trading one addiction for another.
Seeking recovery from my own addiction/abuse of alcohol at the time, and the subsequent stress on our marriage from it, along with other stressors at the time, put me in a vulnerable place for infidelity that I did not understand at the time.
The compassion I had for a man going through his own divorce became twisted, and was unfortunately the catalyst that opened the door to an affair. (This is why I often warn people about getting too involved in the problems and issues of someone of the opposite sex, but that’s another blog post someday)
The shame and humiliation I felt after that became the darkest time in my life, and in our marriage. Even after facing breast cancer twice many years after this, and going through multiple surgeries and chemo treatments, my husband and I can honestly say the affair was still far harder and more painful to go through than cancer.
I thought we would never be happy again,
and I wasn’t sure our marriage would survive.
After realizing it wasn’t as easy to flip a switch and free myself from the affair as I thought it would be, my marriage suffered even more as my husband was (justifiably) not sure if he could stay in the marriage.
Our marriage began to recover and trust eventually returned…slowly.
But after many mistakes,
and reading almost every book on infidelity I could get my hands on.
After consistent effort and my true desire to change, our marriage was on the way to healing.
Forgiveness for myself came slower, however, but I know I am a forgiven daughter of the Lord and when He forgives and delivers us, we are free indeed. I am so thankful to be in that place of fellowship with Jesus again.
Moving away helped us heal faster.
A few years after Discovery Day of an Affair, we moved to Colorado, which greatly helped in healing our marriage and both our hearts. And we still live in the beautiful state of Colorado today. I can honestly say our marriage is stronger and better now that we have weathered a few very difficult storms together, but I don’t want to act like I am above any of you that are still struggling. We still have our occasional issues and disagreements, but we have a clarity on how blessed we are to be together still. It was hard work to restore his trust and go through the restoration process, but it was worth it.
I believe there are many other women who are right now where I was then.
Is that you? Do you see some of my story in your own?
You are the reason I created this site.
I know the shame and guilt can be debilitating.
Who do we turn to when we have fallen to our lowest point?
What would people say?
Statistics don’t lie, women’s infidelity is on the rise.
I scoured the internet back then, searching for answers in the privacy of my home. But there weren’t many from actual women who would openly admit to their own infidelity.
I read a few really good websites, but 90% of their articles were about the unfaithful husband and betrayed wife. I had to continually change the genders in my head, but I still didn’t feel like most of the advice applied to us. Men and Women are different and their reasons for having affairs are different. Also, a betrayed husband has different challenges to overcome than a betrayed wife.
That is why I started this blog. I want you to know you are not alone.
That there ARE other women, even Christian women, who have gotten themselves trapped in an adulterous affair.
But many are too ashamed to reach out to others to get the help they need.
There IS still more of a stigma on women having an affair than men. That’s just the way it is.
But the statistics don’t lie. Women’s infidelity is climbing steadily and almost catching up with men’s. Yet, the information out there is geared toward the unfaithful wife and betrayed husband hasn’t caught up.
(In her new book State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, author and psychotherapist Esther Perel said “since the 1990s, the rate of married women who have cheated has increased by 40 per cent, The rates among men, however, have not changed”).
Please look around and feel free to contact me anytime and I will try to respond as quickly as I can.
It is possible to have the kind of life you really wanted. No matter where you are on this journey to wholeness.
One of purpose and joy and gratitude. Uncomplicated by the stress and drama that an affair actually brings us.
It often comes through hard work and consistency and making tough decisions to get there though.
So remember…Our feelings will eventually follow our decisions.
For a little more about us and our marriage story click here