‘Discovery Day of an Affair’
is a day you, and your spouse, will likely never forget.
“Discovery Day of an affair is usually defined by the day you or your spouse found out about the others affair.
Sometimes this occurs by mistake, one spouse finds proof of the other spouse’s affair and confronts them, or they are seen together and it’s exposed, or the unfaithful spouse can’t take the hiding and lies any longer and confesses the affair to their spouse (which is my story).
If you are the unfaithful spouse, no matter how much you ‘think’ you love your affair partner, you will most likely:
- have terrible, guilt ridden emotions after the truth about your infidelity is revealed to your spouse. Even if it was just a one night stand, or you broke it off, your spouse will be devastated at the revelation of your affair.
- It’s important to note, you might feel relieved by them finally knowing the truth, the lies may have been eating you up for a long time. But your spouses world was just rocked and shaken to the core, and so you are both in very different places emotionally. Try to remember that, and put your self in your spouses shoes, as they’re reeling from finding out the truth of your affair, as you navigate the follow steps.
- Find a good personal therapist who can help you navigate the emotions you’re feeling and why this may have happened while being sure not to ‘tell’ you what they think is best for you and your marriage.
If you are the spouse who was betrayed and you’re just finding out about the infidelity, I am so sorry for what you are going through.
- It is a deep, cutting betrayal and you likely have so many mixed emotions from sorrow, shock, rage, anger and many others in between. It’s normal.
- I would suggest not making any rash decisions right now. Your mind is not clear and emotions are raging.
- Also, try not to run and tell family members and friends who are not safe people to tell. People who will want you to just leave your spouse or get an attitude. It feels good in the short term, but trust me, it’ll complicate your life later if you decide to try to work it out with your spouse.
- Find a trusted counselor and a safe, neutral friend to confide in.
So what are you both supposed to do after
Discovery Day of an affair?
Right after Discovery Day of an affair (or D-Day for short), there’s a wide range of emotions both spouses will be feeling. It is hard to navigate what to do first and who to turn to.
After 3 weeks in my own affair, my heart was being torn in two and I couldn’t stand the sneaking around and lying any longer. It was March 31, 2007 (I told you you’ll never forget it). The next day was April fools, I didn’t think about it at the time. I just knew I had to tell him. I remember feeling like we were trying to breathe underwater as my life, as I knew it, was turned upside down, all because of my actions. The guilt was overwhelming. Which is what caused me to confess to my husband in the first place.
With any couple who experiences infidelity in their marriage, there is a process they must go through to get the healing and trust to return. This is the starting point.
First steps to do after D-Day, if you want your marriage to survive:
1. Locate 3 good counselors.
Both husband and wife need to find their own individual counselors, and they both need to find a good marriage counselor.
It’s very important you interview them and determine what their position on marriage and the direction they want to take you in your marriage.
Some counselors don’t believe in reconciliation and will even advocate separating right away. Believe it, we got one of those counselors.
2. All contact with affair partner needs to completely end.
The unfaithful wife needs to COMPLETELY break off any and all contact with the other man.
Marriage recovery after an affair is difficult enough, but maintaining contact with the affair partner makes marriage reconciliation impossible.
I realize how difficult this is, that is why I wrote about it in “breaking off an affair” here. It is a good idea to read each of the 4 stages of an affair as well so that you can identify where you are in the process.
3. Be the one to fulfill their emotional needs.
Begin the process of discovering your spouse’s most important emotional needs.
The greatest emotional needs we each have are: Companionship, Affection, Sexual fulfillment, Attraction Physically, Connecting through Communication. (Read Gary Smalley’s book 5 Love Languages for more guidance on that)
Discovering your spouses most important emotional needs and seeking to be the one to fill those needs will dramatically increase your love for one another.
4. Spend more time together.
I realize this will be counter-intuitive to what you’ll want to do at first, particularly if you are the betrayed spouse. But time together really is important to rebuild your marriage.
Clear your schedules, eliminate other outside distractions and commit to spending at least 15-20 hours a week with each other.
This means the two of you together with no children, friends or any other distractions. It’s truly the only way to reconnect and begin to fill each other’s love tank. We heard this advice when we were trying to heal our marriage and we took it literally and diligently. We often exceeded the 15 hours per week and it was became a time we looked forward to, even though it wasn’t easy at first.
5. Commit to the marriage.
I realize this is obvious, but it needs to be said. Be willing to be consistent in your commitment to each other and realize your healing and marriage rebuilding will take time.
There will be steps forward and steps back again. There will be days it’ll seems like you’ll never get better and the trust will seem like it will be elusive forever.
Just hang in there and don’t give up on each other or your marriage. I firmly believe that if both partners in a marriage.
But what if you say “Debbie, I don’t know if I want to break off my relationship with my affair partner?” Or maybe you’ve tried before and you just keep getting sucked back into it and are starting to think you’ll never be able to let him go.
I understand. I’ve been there.
I actually thought once I confessed my infidelity to my husband, it would give me the strength and accountability to break off the affair for good as all my efforts before that seemed to inevitably fail.
It didn’t work like that.
I wish it did. I wasn’t ready to stop yet, unfortunately and it caused so much more damage to us than if I had turned from my sin and rebellious behavior at Discovery Day.
So, you have some decisions to make, that will affect you, your husband (or wife if you’re a man reading this) and your kids if you have them, for the rest of all your lives. Don’t take it lightly. Your emotions are screaming at you to do one thing…but is that really where you want your life to go? Sometimes we don’t take seriously the consequences of our decisions until it’s too late.
I have blog posts here if you’re still trying to navigate as you seek answers to the decisions you must make:
- benefits of your affair, if it’s worth it still or not.
- will your affair partner make a good spouse if you decide to divorce and pursue a relationship with them.
- how to break off an affair for good.
- how to begin the steps of your marriage recovering from your affair if you decide you want to make it work.
Feel free to comment on your experience. What helped and what hurt or perhaps you’re right in the thick of it now.
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