When the wife betrayed her husband.
looking for answers about your wife’s affair?
- First, I am so sorry and sad that you have to be here… it means you’ve just been dealt one of the harshest blows a marriage can suffer.
- But I’m also glad you are here because it means you’re looking for answers and trying to get healing.
- When you first found out about your wife’s affair, it probably felt like a punch in the gut. Suddenly you have the label to your name as “the betrayed husband.”I’m so sorry about that.
Are you struggling to make sense of it and didn’t see it coming? It’s probably very hard to concentrate, sleep and eat.
Anytime a wife betrayed her husband, he’s left with emptiness and confusion that is often hard for him to share with anyone.
My husband and I lived through that same nightmare. Part of a club you never want to be in, as they say. But we survived it and our marriage is better now than before.
Unfortunately, I also was the unfaithful wife, you can read my story here. So I understand a little about what goes through our minds and the crazy things we start to believe, which only results in crazy behavior.
You may be wondering who your wife really is.
- Maybe you’ve watched your wife make crazy decisions, and her behavior seems so uncharacteristic for her. This is what most husbands say about their wives when they find out she was unfaithful.
- She is in the midst of “affair fog” my friend, the most dangerous phase of the affair healing process. Maybe you don’t even know the truth of where she is in the affair process, it’s hard to trust what she’s saying right now. Honestly, until you know she’s truly finished with the affair, and maintained ‘No Contact’ with her affair partner, you probably can’t trust what she’s saying yet. Read this to get an idea of stages of an affair.
To divorce or not divorce?
- I’m not here to tell you to divorce, or not to divorce. That’s such a personal decision and every couple is different with a different set of circumstance. So don’t listen to anyone who tells you YOU MUST divorce her. What I would say is you owe it to yourself, and your family, to take some time before making any lifelong decisions like that. Especially if you’ve just found out about the affair. You are still in a very raw emotional state of mind and making huge decisions about divorce is probably not great to do right now.
- Think about setting a decision date, after a certain length of time that you think is fair. This decision date is just for you to know about, not her. But it’s to gauge where she is at that time in ending the affair, and where your marriage is. It does take time and patience, so if you really want your marriage with her to work, give it at least 6-12 months out before making that decision. Sometimes it will look worse before it gets better. I know you probably don’t want to hear that, but the better can be so much better.
If it wasn’t for my husband’s incredible love and patience, we would not be still married today.
- My husband’s patience and long-suffering with me astonishes me even now. I tested his patience with the deep level of affair-fog I was in, thinking I ‘couldn’t live with out my affair partner’. So, I continued on and off again in the affair for over 10 months past discovery day. It still makes me sad to think about that today. But I’m also extremely grateful he didn’t give up on me during those months.
I almost lost him.
- By the time I came to my senses, he had already gotten in an emotional affair with a woman at work. You can read more about his story in this post The 5 things NOT to do after you find out about your wife’s affair.
- But we did make it, and our marriage is better now almost 12 years later, but it took a lot of work and forgiveness. You can read our marriage story here.
My husband understands what you’re going through more than most. He had to learn a lot about what forgiveness really is , if our marriage had any chance of surviving.
You’re probably hurting very badly right now. Just know that what you’re feeling is normal and you will get through this!
I also believe there are more challenges to healing
when the wife betrayed her husband.
- There’s more info out there when the HUSBAND was unfaithful and the wife was betrayed. This often makes betrayed husbands feel like the minority and misunderstood.
- Men have a need to feel respected and admired. Infidelity is the biggest blow to anyone’s self respect and ego…especially a guy.
- Often guys may worry what their friends and family will think they’re weak if they decide to stay and work on their marriage with their wife. (Honestly, my husband really struggled with this one, sometimes even now! So that feeling is real.
Read all you can and find the right support.
What I’d like you to do is read my post written just for you. It’s about the top 5 things to do and how to cope after your wife’s affair. The tips in there will help you, as you adjust to life in this new, awful normal.
When a wife betrayed her husband, many people will rally to the aid of the husband and badmouth the wife. As the betrayed husband, you might feel pressure from loved ones to split up.
One tip you’ll read more about in that post is to be careful who you tell about her affair. Get the right kind of support with people who can be respective of your need for time before making decisions. Also, try to just tell people who won’t spread gossip about the infidelity.
Have a look around at the posts I wrote to the Unfaithful Wife. You might get something out of them too. I understand the confusion and fog your wife is probably in.
I truly care about what you and your wife are going through.
Contact me if you have any questions or comments about these posts, or if there’s something you’d like to see written about.
“Remember… feelings will eventually follow your decisions.”
Maybe you don’t know God and have questions and you’d like to know more about this Jesus that I serve. He was a very real part of our marriage recovery. You can learn more about a personal relationship with Jesus and what that even means in my post about faith and affair recovery, here.