“Infidelity in marriage is one of the most destructive things that can happen.”
You’re likely here because you’ve experienced one of the most difficult and damaging blows that a couple will ever experience- infidelity in marriage.
Whether you’re the one who’s been unfaithful or you’re the spouse who was cheated on, I’m sure you are in a great deal of pain right now.
Although much of this site is written to a woman who has been unfaithful, most of the information will be relevant to unfaithful husbands as well. There is a huge need for information geared for the unfaithful wife, and that is where my own personal experience is, so that is why I speak to unfaithful women mostly.
However, infidelity in marriage crosses gender lines and both gender’s are having an affair at an increasing rate.
I hope you will take some time to look around here at the various articles, information and resources to help you on your journey to find healing for your own pain, plus and hope and tools to heal and restore your marriage too.
But first, I want to share with you a few things.
I am not a counselor or psychiatrist. I’m also not a professional writer. I am a wife of 28 years and a Mom to three boys, and a soon-to-be Grandma. I was the unfaithful one in my marriage of 19 years at the time. It’s been 9 years since that time and we have been restored and healed tremendously. My desire is that you will find hope here and begin to believe your marriage can heal and be restored too, if both of you are willing to do the hard work.
You can read more of my story, here.
Or you can read more about our marriage story, here.
Infidelity in marriage will cause emotions to be raw for a while.
Right after Discovery Day (or D-Day for short), there’s a wide range of emotions both spouses will be feeling. It is hard to navigate what to do first and who to turn to. I remember feeling like we were trying to breathe underwater as my life, as I knew it, was turned upside down, all because of my actions. The guilt was overwhelming. Which is what caused me to confess to my husband in the first place.
I would also suggest you read, and print out, my 20 steps to healing your marriage after an affair.
First steps to do after D-Day.
After a couple experiences infidelity in marriage, there is a process they must go through to get the healing and trust to return. The first steps a couple need to do after D-Day, is:
- Locate 3 good counselors. Both husband and wife need to find their own individual counselors, and they both need to find a good marriage counselor. It’s very important you interview them and determine what their position on marriage and the direction they want to take you in your marriage. Some counselors don’t believe in reconciliation and will even advocate separating right away. Believe it, we got one of those counselors.
- All contact with affair partner needs to end. The unfaithful wife needs to COMPLETELY break off any and all contact with the other man. Marriage recovery after an affair is difficult enough, but maintaining contact with the affair partner makes marriage reconciliation impossible. I realize how difficult this is, that is why I wrote about it in “breaking off an affair” here. It is a good idea to read each of the 4 stages of an affair as well so that you can identify where you are in the process.
- Be the one to fulfill their emotional needs. Begin the process of discovering your spouse’s most important emotional needs. The greatest emotional needs we each have are: Companionship, Affection, Sexual fulfillment, Attraction Physically, Connecting through Communication. Discovering your spouses most important emotional needs and seeking to be the one to fill those needs will dramatically increase your love for one another.
- Spend more time together. I realize this will be counter-intuitive to what you’ll want to do at first, particularly if you are the betrayed spouse. But time together really is important to rebuild your marriage. Clear your schedules, eliminate other outside distractions and commit to spending at least 15-20 hours a week with each other. This means the two of you together with no children, friends or any other distractions. It’s truly the only way to reconnect and begin to fill each other’s love tank. We heard this advice when we were trying to heal our marriage and we took it literally and diligently. We often exceeded the 15 hours per week and it was became a time we looked forward to, even though it wasn’t easy at first.
- Commit to the marriage. I realize this is obvious, but it needs to be said. Be willing to be consistent in your commitment to each other and realize your healing and marriage rebuilding will take time. There will be steps forward and steps back again. There will be days it’ll seems like you’ll never get better and the trust will seem like it will be elusive forever. Just hang in there and don’t give up on each other or your marriage. I firmly believe that if both partners in a marriage are committed to doing whatever it takes to restore the marriage than it can be restored. It will take effort and time. But it can be done.
For more information and steps of what to do next if you are the unfaithful spouse, click here.
For help on what to do, and not do, now as the betrayed husband, click here.
The next thing I’d suggest is to read through the various stages of an affair to determine where you are in the process, and how to get past that particular stage and move on to healing:
Stage 1-before an affair has begun, warning signs you are heading into an affair, is here.
Stage 2- in the middle of an affair and how affairs begin, here.
Stage 3-breaking free of an affair and how to do this effectively.
Stage 4-Rebuilding the marriage. All contact with the affair partner has ended and this is the stage of rebuilding your marriage, and how to begin that process.
Feel free to contact me with your comments.