If you’ve been in your affair for any length of time, you’ve likely asked yourself that question.
Because unless you’re in this affair for a one night stand, or easy fling, the question will eventually be raised in your own mind….is this man marriage material?
I’m going to take my shoes off for this article, pull up a chair and just be real. I’m going to pretend we’re sitting down across from each other as friends and I’m going to talk real to you as I would my good friend who is facing this question. I have been where you are and I understand the pull and appeal of being in an affair. I even questioned whether this man would make a good enough husband to me, if my marriage ended in divorce. Because what was the purpose of all this, if we didn’t end up being married one day?
Was I becoming reduced to having a fling or did I want this thing to survive in real life? I had to eventually ask myself those things and my answers were eye opening for me.
This is what I discovered from my own infidelity experience.
1. Affairs are unsustainable for real life.
A woman continues an affair based on her feelings and emotional needs being met. Yet, if their relationship was based in the real world, with real world routines and hardships, their relationship would most likely fail.
Will her affair partner be a good step-father to her children? The reality is that in most affairs, they haven’t really focused on the children or the children’s needs during the affair. It has been mostly about them and their own feelings and desires whenever they’ve been together.
It’s always wise for a woman to ask herself a few questions…
Can he provide financially for the lifestyle she was used to, is he as patient with her and would he be patient and loving with her children? How does he interact with other people, relatives, friends, strangers, the waiter or waitress at restaurants? Is he kind, patient and caring to them? If they end up married, an unfaithful woman will inevitably compare her lover to her current husband, were does he stack up or not? It’s best to ask the hard questions now.
Early in an affair, a woman can only she the wonderful qualities in her affair partner, yet as time goes on and the affair progresses into some real life situations, she may begin to see more and more weaknesses in her lover that she didn’t notice before. Most women honestly don’t want to notice any faults because her lover is fulfilling her most important needs.
Eventually though, if most unfaithful women were to be honest, they’d see that the lover could never fill her husbands shoes and will begin to miss certain qualities of her husband and family life.
2. There are no bills to pay or dirty diapers to change in affair fantasy land.
Affairs also exist in a type of fantasy world where nobody worries much about bills that need paying, or making dinner when the kids are screaming for attention. No one really grocery shops after a long day at work in Affair Fantasyland. Affairs don’t exist in a world where the daily routine of laundry and responsibilities exist. An affair partner doesn’t have to stay up late with sick kids who are throwing up from the flu. They get to go home at night after the fling with you is over.
That’s part of the allure of an affair though. There are no real world demands and responsibilities.
They can be the hero that brings flowers and love notes and have all the positive sides of a relationship, without any of the difficulties that real world marriages go through.
On the contrary, real life is hard.
Real life husbands are responsible and help support the family financially, even if they were out of work, their wives know they care and they’re hard workers.
Real life husbands show up when it’s not easy and fun to be a Dad and a husband, and they try harder next time when they mess up.
Real husbands help their wives when they’re sick in bed and they seek to serve her. They still love her even when she doesn’t look so great in the morning without makeup, or when she gained a little weight since their wedding day.
That’s real life.
It’s ugly and hard and not neatly wrapped in a pretty little bow that’s always ready and able to show it’s best side.
Maybe you’re husband is not all those things I listed a real life husband to be. Maybe that’s part of why you strayed. No man is perfect and we all have our flaws….but it’s a whole lot easier to water your own lawn than to leave it for other greener grass only to find out later is just artificial turf.
Particularly when there are children involved. Most men cannot compare to the kind of Dad your husband most likely is to your children.
3. Infidelity always shows its best side.
It’s there with heels on and lipstick. The romance is always alive and the passion is hot. It doesn’t require much because it knows it doesn’t fully have you. You’re not all in because you have a family at home waiting for you. So for now, you can feel young and pretty for a little while and you can pretend it’s everything you needed in life and that this lover is your soul-mate.
But it’s not based on reality. It’s based on a lie, and a lie is still a lie no matter how many times you’ve told yourself it’s all real.
Ask yourself, friend, years from now when you’re old and gray, who will you want on that rocking chair by your side?
Do you really know enough of this man you’ve had such a passionate affair with? What is the depth of his character and his soul? Affairs exist because of secrets and lies. Is that the foundation one wants for an eventual marriage?
4. Many affair partners believe they love each other and are “soul mates”, and so that will make him a good spouse.
Really? I would guess she also had that same idea when she married her husband.
Being in love does not make a good marriage that will last. Otherwise the divorce rate wouldn’t be at 50% now.
The “love” they feel is probably the type of love that is real and powerful and passionate…and unfortunately not sustainable for the long haul.
What is important for a woman in an affair to understand is the chemical reaction occurring in her brain, with a release of serotonin, when she is with her lover. This is similar to the reaction an addict has to a substance they are addicted to, or the feeling of excitement a gambler feels when he enters a casino. This reaction makes it much harder to simply break off the affair without taking drastic steps.
This does not equal selfless, sacrificing type of sustainable love.
Until she faces that reality, she risks losing her marriage and can end up with nothing.
5. “Most men willing to cheat with you, are also willing to cheat on you with another woman”.
I heard that statement many times from various counselors and friends, and I didn’t want to listen to it. I thought “well, I’m also a cheater in that scenario, so who am I to say that about him?” That may be true but it’s still a question every woman in an affair needs to ask themselves. What is the character and moral compass of the man they are in an affair with?
Many affair partners will eventually cheat on their lover, and it is usually a big wake up call for the woman when she discovers he’s been talking to someone else.
I have first hand knowledge about this, as it happened with the person I had an affair with. I discovered there were other women on dating internet sites that he was establishing relationships with. Many men in affairs are out for themselves and the thought of being left with nobody will cause them to have a few on standby should their main lover not leave her husband and family. It’s all too common.
Yet that shouldn’t be too surprising.
If a man is willing to have an affair with her, wouldn’t he also be willing to cheat on her later? We women like to tell ourselves that we are different and he would never cheat on us, but what does it say about his integrity if he is willing to help you lie to your current spouse? Even if he is not married, does he really have integrity? Is this man really ‘so great’ if he is willing to put his own wants and needs above that of splitting apart a family and breaking the hearts of children in that family?
If you married this person, would it be in the back of your mind that he could possibly cheat on you one day?
Statistics have shown that is a first marriage fails because of an affair and the lovers marry each other, THEIR marriage has triple the chance of failing than the first marriage had.
Do you want a marriage that began on a foundation of lies, secrets and sneaking around? Marriage is hard enough these days but throwing those qualities in the mix, make it even harder.
6. To summarize:
- Affairs are not sustainable for real life hardships and routines.
- Life is easy in Affair Fantasyland and infidelity always shows its best side.
- What will happen to the relationship once the powerful addictive drug of an affair wears off?
- Is this the type of man you want to grow old and gray with? Has he put you and your children first or his own needs and desires?
- Most men willing to cheat with you will later cheat on you.
- Statistics show second and third marriages are more than likely to fail. Add to the mix- a relationship that was started on lies and secrets?
[contact-form][contact-field label=’Name’ type=’name’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Email’ type=’email’ required=’1’/][contact-field label=’Website’ type=’url’/][contact-field label=’Comment’ type=’textarea’ required=’1’/][/contact-form]