11 Lies That Sabotage Your Affair Break Up

Exposing these 11 lies that sabotage your affair break up,
is really important if you’re going to get free of the affair.

• Are you believing any of these 11 lies when you try to end your affair?
• Maybe you’ve told your affair partner it’s over, but you find yourself going back & resuming contact.
  Only to trigger a cycle of feeling like a failure and wanting to feel better,
  So you go back again and again.
• I see you, and I understand the struggle

Read all the posts in this this series:

‘Breaking Up with Your Affair Partner’:

>Part 1: 11 lies that sabotage your affair break up.
Part 2: Proven advice for breaking up with affair partner.
Part 3: Sample Good-Bye letter to affair partner.
Part 4: 6 simple reasons staying friends after your affair is distastrous
Part 5: What No Contact With Affair Partner Means.

Many times we sabotage our life by believing lies from our inner critic,
and we often don’t even realize it.

This is just as true in this situation of sabotaging the break up with an affair partner.
Your brain is a powerful part of ending a relationship and it’s just trying to protect you from changes that
it deems as dangerous for your life.  But your brain doesn’t differentiate a good relationship or bad one, it just
knows there was pleasure of some kind with this person.

So, if you’re in an unhealthy relationship, or have an ungodly soul tie, it’s important to recognize the
following lies you might hear in your mind, so you can overcome these lies and end the relationship for good.

Do you recognize any of these lies in your head,
or have you said them out loud?

1. “I’m not ready yet.”
2. “I need closure, & to remain friends.”
3. “I don’t want to hurt his feelings.”
4. “I have to break it to him gently in person, I owe him that.”
5. “I don’t see how I can ever live without him.”
6. “I’m too weak to maintain no contact.”
7. “I’m worried about him, What will he do?”
8. “I feel guilty for breaking up, he needs me.”
9. “Texting or a letter is just too impersonal and harsh.”
10. “We’ll just have one more special time together.”
11. “I’ll end it but I’ll keep one email, or social media account, open or
    not block his phone in case he ever needs to contact me.”

I’ve said every one of these myself.

If you’re a kind hearted person and maybe even got involved in the affair because you
saw a need he had and felt compassion, you’ll like feel guilty for ending it with him.
But compassion can be misplaced and ultimately ruin your life sometimes too.

This is one of those times.
Your affair started in your thoughts, and it’s your thoughts that will keep you in it if you’re not careful.

The 11 Big Lies That Sabotage Your Affair Break-Up:

1. “I’m just not ready to end it yet, but I’ll do it soon.”

• Understand that you’ll never really feel ready enough to end it;  it’ll never feel like the right time,
  place or timing to break off the affair.
• The lies under this one be: “you’re not ready yet, just see him one more time, don’t cut it off too soon,
  just wait a little longer and you’ll feel more ready…”
• If you wait around until feel more ready to break it off, you take a huge risk of losing
  everything truly dear to you in your life.
• Waiting until you ‘feel ready’ means you’re also letting your emotions run this show, and that’s not a good place to be.
  It’s likely your feelings led you into the affair, so why would you believe they’d be trustfully sources for you
  in this moment of your most intense confusion?
• This is the time to identify what you really want in life.  Understand deep inside WHY you’re ending the affair,
  and then just do it.  (like Nike).   ‘Act as if’ you feel ready, then JUST DO IT.This is also a good post to read aboutour  thoughts and their influence upon us

2. “I need ‘closure,’ and want to try and remain friends.”

• Similar to the #1 but this one is after the affair has ended,
  but you want to have a ‘do over break up.’ for the sake of closure.   Right?
• Your thoughts are overcome with these lies like these:
  “It didn’t end right, it was too abrupt or harsh and wasn’t a true good-bye,
  I feel badly for him and I want to end it right.”
• Many women get sucked back into an affair because it may have ended abruptly, and they think they need closure.
  I see it far too often.

  But the truth is- IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH.

  That’s like someone on a diet saying “I just need to eat one more box of donuts,
  so I can have closure that I won’t eat them again.”
  (personally, the thought of no donuts ever again is enough to cause anxiety in me though).
  Or, the alcoholic that’s started recovery, but feels like they didn’t get to end their relationship with alcohol
  the way they really wanted, so they want to get drunk again, just to have ‘closure.’

  Seems crazy in that context right?
  NONE of the reasons you have for needing closure matters, because there will never be a clean cut way make it hurt less.
  Also, you can’t ever be friends with someone you’ve been unfaithful with.

3. “I don’t want to hurt his feelings.”

• Affairs hurt, there’s no way around that.  They hurt your husband, they hurt your kids (no matter how small or unaware you think they are),
  Affairs destroy marriages, hurt kids, and break apart families.
  And frankly, God’s feelings were pretty hurt too.  He created you for more, and loves you enough to not leave you here.
• But being afraid to hurt the feelings of an affair partner is what many women say, but it’s terribly misguided.
  He most likely knew you were a married woman, so he took the risk of it not working when he made that chose.
  But he made his choice to not choose integrity and honor, especially as the man.
• Your husband had no choice in your affair.  He was handed the most painful situation a spouse can face,
  so who’s feelings should you really be concerned about?

4. “I have to break it to him gently, in person, I owe him that.”

You’ll reason with yourself, and possibly even your husband, that you just want to end it in person, that you ‘owe him that’
and any other way seems mean.

• Listen to me clearly my friend YOU OWE HIM NOTHING!
  Just as I said in the last point, you AP made his choice to get involved with a married woman.
  He could have walked away.
• You made vows to your husband, not your affair partner;
  so the only one you ‘owe’ anything to is your loyalty and commitment to your husband.  You really owe nothing to this other man.
  I know you may not like that statement, but I don’t want to see another woman ruin her life believing lies and misdirected obligations.

5. “I don’t think I could ever live without him.”

• This is all too familiar to me and it blows my mind how much I believed this lie.  Statements like this are the affair brain talking,
  it’s not based in reality or facts.  Did you live without him at one point? 
  Were you once happy with your husband (happy enough to marry him)?
• So, the more you allow this dangerous belief to marinate in your thoughts, the more you’ll believe these lies, until your feelings will follow;
  setting yourself up for a relapse. (Remember the law that’s been around for all time: Thoughts-feelings-actions-results).
• When we believe dramatic lies from our brain, (who’s simply searching for that source of dopamine pleasure),
  we’ll stay stuck and unwilling to see ourselves through the hard days.
  Instead of a sense of control and purpose in the process, believing you can’t do ‘no contact’ or you can’t live without him,
  just keeps you depressed in that place of cognitive dissonance and feeling out of control.
  You’ll convince yourself it’s only because you miss him and can’t live without him, but it’s got more to do with the withdrawal process,
  then not being able to live without him.

6. “I’m too weak to maintain No Contact.”

• If I were to guess, I would say you’ve likely gone through hard things.
  A loved one’s death, lose of a job or friendship, the stress of life
  or moving, or an undesirable health diagnosis.  You CAN do hard things my friend.
  Don’t listen to your inner critic telling you thatyou’re just too weak.
• This is not to minimize the difficulty of this situation.  Hell, it’s hard!
  I’ve said it many times, going through rehab at Betty Ford Center,
  and going through breast cancer 3 times with multiple surgeries, chemo, hair loss etc…
  was NOTHING compared to the pain I had while in the affair.
  So I’m not minimizing your pain, please hear that.I just know we are capable of far more than we give ourselves credit for.
  And if you come from faith, and and are willing to lean into Him,
  you’ll have the strength of the Almighty creator on your side.Read this post for more about What No Contact With An Affair Partner Really Means.

7. “I’m so worried about him, what will he do?”

• Just like in #5, you once lived without him and likewise, he also lived without you.
  He survived it.
  Compassionate hearts care about others, I get that.
  But it gets easily twisted (and did if you had an affair) because we take ownership of people’s
  lives when they need to own it for themselves, with all the consequences of their choices.
  That’s called co-dependency, and it’s not really a healthy way of having a relationship anyway.
• I’m sure he told you all the wonderful things you wanted to hear,
  and maybe even that he doesn’t know what he’ll do without you.But trust me friend,
  he’ll survive and you’re actually doing him, and yourself, the biggest favor.
  True love sacrifices its own pleasure, wants and needs for that of others. Remember that.

8. “I feel guilty for breaking up, he needs me.”

• Those thoughts are normal, and they’ll come in, but you don’t have to act upon them feel guilty for breaking up with someone
  you were having an affair with.Remember when I said the only one you owe anything to is the man you took vows with on your
  wedding day… that’s it.  He really doesn’t need you.  want you maybe, desire you, sure.
  But he will do fine, and this is your emotions using guilt to manipulate you back into the affair.
• Many women came in as rescuers of their affair partner, leading to the affair.
  Maybe he’s in an unhappy marriage, or facing a difficult life situation,
  it’s easy to feel guilty and to take on other people’s problems
  ….but his problems are not yours to take on.Actually, nobody’s problems should become just your problems to resolve.
  Sometimes the only time people will experience personal growth in their lives is when all the other crutches
  are removed, they take ownership for their lives and behavior,  and start to face their challenges head on.

9. “Mailing a ‘breaking-up letter’, or just walking past him if I see him somewhere,
is just too harsh and impersonal.”

• Sometimes we have to know our limitations and vulnerabilities.
  No matter how strong anyone feels when breaking off an affair,
  the truth is that it’s incredibly difficult because of the inappropriate soul ties established.
  Trying not to end an affair just so you don’t appear harsh or impersonal,
  is unwise at worst, and incredibly naive and dangerous at best.
  Hey, I can say that because I thought, and did, all these things too..
• Do we think it’s harsh or impersonal to not buy from solicitors that knock on our door?
  Then why is it impersonal, or mean, to let an affair partner know it’s over in
  the best way that will protect the boundary around your marriage and yourself?
• Yes, I can hear you saying ‘that’s different’,  right about now…. But is it though?
  Let’s imagine your husband had the affair instead of you.
  Would you think it impersonal, or harsh, of him to break it off with his mistress in a letter?

Watch this video of my video interview with my husband of his perspective of the infidelity 12 years ago.

Drastic choices require drastic decisions sometimes.

10. “We need just one more special time together.”

• Oh, I know how alluring this lie is.  It sounds reasonable, especially to our brain,
  that’s just trying to come out of the affair fog.
  But that same thinking that’s telling you this, is the same thinking that led you into the affair in the first place.
  (just one talk, one secret meeting, one touch…..)
• There’s never “just one” in an affair, because your body wants more and more dopamine to feel that flood of pleasure again.
  One meeting at the park, one last memory together, are all ploys to get you more entangled in the stronghold of the affair.
  Then you’ve got ‘just one more’ memory to get over, and try to forget later.  Just one more lie you have to tell your spouse.

Just one more failed attempt to break off the affair, which leads to just one more day of feeling terrible guilt and shame.
It’s not worth it, friend. 

So, when you hear your affair partner suggest this, remember this post and tell him no.
It’s never just one.. just like I can’t eat JUST ONE Krispy Kreme donut. (I really tried though).

11. “I’ll end it, but I’m just going to keep one email open,
or not block him on my phone, social media or email…
just in case he ever needs to contact me.”

• Listen sister, you made it with me this far in the post, so I’m just going to be real,
  this one’s the biggest lie and methods we sabotage our lives by sabotaging our intention to end the affair.
  It’s so common and so sly that it often flies under the radar in the “it’s really no big deal” category.

But it IS a big deal.

• Just as I shared in my post what no contact with an affair partner really means, 
  when we leave any access point for him to reestablish
  contact with you, or you with him,
  it’s like leaving your front door unlocked when you know there’s a neighborhood burglar checking
  front doors to rob you.
• It might seem like ‘no big deal’, it’s just a small bolt, but that unlocked bolt can easily be the one method of entry.
  This will only make it that much harder for you to resist the temptation to talk to him if he reaches out.
  OR, if you do resume contact, you’ll easily be set back in your healing, and it will feel like you’re starting over.
• I can hear some of you telling me that it’s hard to unfriend him and block him on facebook,
  or it’s not possible to block his number on your phone,
  because of some reason he may need to call you (through your child or another close connection)…
  but hear me, NONE of that matters.

How willing and serious are you to get well?
Do you really mean business this time?
Or are you going to let any of these 11 lies sabotage your affair break up?

Remember, you will get past this terrible season in your life, but not if you can’t hanging onto
your affair partner, or keeping the affair going.

If I could do it-‘Ms Messed up and confused herself’- you can too!
I’m happier now then I ever thought I was during the affair.
Inner peace and joy in knowing I’m living a single-minded life, is something I wouldn’t trade for anything, or anyone.
I’ve lived the other way and it promised way more than it delivered.

Remember this:
You are strong, capable and worthy of experiencing a healed heart,
and a whole-hearted life, full of purpose and joy!

My unfaithful wife letter to you.

Why ending an affair is so hard.

7 reasons for affair relapse.

Again, here’s the other posts for you,
‘Breaking Up with Your Affair Partner’ series:

>Part 1: 11 lies that sabotage your affair break up.
Part 2: Proven advice for breaking up with affair partner.
Part 3: Sample Good-Bye letter to affair partner.
Part 4: Can’t we still be friends? coming soon
Part 5: What No Contact With Affair Partner Means.

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