So…have you ever heard of the word “limerence” ?
Maybe you haven’t; it’s not a widely understood, or talked about, concept.
But if you’ve been touched by infidelity in any way, than ya need to read this post!
So where did this weird word Limerence come from and what’s meaning of limerence?
Limerence was born in the 70’s, baby….
- The concept was studied and created by Dorothy Tennov in her book Love and Limerence in 1979.
Tennov studied romantic love consisting of questionnaires and interviews.
She observed a number of frequently common traits she observed with people who thought they were in love.
This prompted her to define the term limerence which encompasses all these shared experiences.
When Tennov wrote of her research and coined the word Limerence , she was describing a number experiences and behaviors others had around the feelings of ‘love’,
which had the potential to become obsessive and problematic. But initially, she also saw that it could even be the start of healthy bonding.
- However, researchers later looked more at the pathological and compulsive side of the spectrum, usually only using the word, limerence,
to describe the negative and mental distressing side of the concept.
There can definitely be a wide spectrum on the limerence scale from mild to very obsessive, so that’s important to know going into this discussion.
First let’s define what limerence means, and then lets list the 15 limerence symptoms and signs you or a loved one is experiencing this.
Here are some general definitions I found on limerence meaning, after researching it.
A. Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes
obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one’s feelings reciprocated;
but not primarily just for a sexual relationship.
Limerence is considered an emotional state of being emotionally attached to,
or even obsessed with, another person.
It’s typically experienced involuntarily, and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings—a near-obsessive form of romantic love. (source=Wikipedia)
So, in a nutshell, limerence wants to obtain something for itself,
it’s pleasures and benefits;
but true and love wants to give selflessly, which often requires sacrifice.
So let’s look at the 16 undeniable signs of limerence symptoms,
and see if you can relate to any of these or have witnessed this is someone else:
(I may describe the other person as the limerent object or abbreviate with LO for short).
1. A person feels an intense emotional and romantic desire
for another person, typically stronger than a normal crush.
Many feeling ‘limerence’ would usually describe their feelings as being “madly in love”; unlike anything they’ve felt before.
Are you desiring someone so much in a way you don’t remember feeling before?
It can be romantic and/or sexual desires and they can know this, or it can still be a secret within you.
2. You find yourself fantasizing about them often, even how you can be their rescuer.
In the beginning, or before a relationship has even started, you might find yourself fantasizing about the depth of your relationship
with them and in your fantasy you’re thinking about what your future together will look like.
There is such a constant daydreaming about the other person, it’s distracting you from your normal life.
3. Compulsively looking for any signs that they feel the same way for you.
If reciprocity doesn’t happen, you keep fantasizing about them and your future with them,
thinking it will eventually become a reality.
Experienced as intense joy or extreme despair depending on if the feelings are reciprocated.
These 2 posts may be helpful for you at this early stage:
What is emotional affair, is it really cheating? and warning signs of your emotional affair.
4. Feelings of euphoria whenever you’re with this person of your affection.
The connection and feelings while with this person are a high, or euphoric.
This can be felt whether you’re in a relationship with them or not.
This often goes hand in hand with Affair Fog, read the 5 signs to watch for here.
5. You might manipulate situations where you can bump into them somewhere,
so that you both have to communicate.
Many affairs start out when one manipulated circumstances to be with the object of their intense limerence.
They orchestrated events to put them right where their LO would be at that specific time, it’s actually quite common.
6. You idealize them and everything they do.
Good qualities in them are magnified and negative qualities are minimized,
whether only in your own head, or while talking to other people about them.
Red flags are definitely ignored.
Certain Character traits or annoying habits in this person that you wouldn’t have tolerated at one time,
is ignored or overlooked by you now.
7. There’s an obsessive focus on everything they’re doing.
Finding out who they’re talking to or spending time with becomes a daily focus, anything that revolves around them.
Jealousy could play into it here also.
Yet, in an affair, they both realize they don’t really have a claim on the other since they, or both of you, are married.
This often creates a crazy obsession in wondering who else the LO may find to replace you.
8. You believe they’re your soul mate, and you’ve never felt like this before.
People in affairs are known to “re-write history” meaning, they only see and remember the strong feelings they have now,
not the similar ways they once also felt for their spouse. Limerence has blinded them to thinking that only this new person can be their soul mate.
9 You’re experiencing frequent intrusive and obsessive thinking about this other person.
You’re spending more time thinking about your LO than anyone, or anything, else.
They become the central focus in ones mind, often to the exclusion of other people around them. Even spouses or children.
Thoughts like “am I the only one they’ll feel this way with?” plus every song will remind them of the LO.
You might also like to read 5 ways your affair starts in your thoughts.
And the real reason you can’t get over your affair.
10. Impaired functioning and extreme lack of concentration in normal routine.
Unable to think or act clearly without distraction and preoccupation with the LO to an unhealthy point.
Work often suffers and decision making and normal concentration is affected.
Add to that the extra guilt one might feel for having an affair, and the lack of concentration and
inability to function normally is heightened.
11. Anxiety and self-consciousness becomes a stress.
The anxiety could stem from worrying about what they think of you, whether you are in a relationship with them or not.
Self-consciousness about whether they will like you, or continue to like you is a daily struggle,
even if you’re in an affair with this person.
Fear of rejection is strong. Particularly when in an affair,
because there’s a common knowledge that the affair can end quickly if news of it gets out.
12. Severe mood swings.
The extreme emotional highs when the other person responds and is interested, and extreme lows when they express disinterest or just ignoring you.
A person experiencing Limerence is constantly assessing the feelings of the other person to be sure they feel the same in return.
Affairs only emphasize mood swings as one can feel euphoria when with their affair partner, and guilt when alone.
13. You believe, or constantly tell yourself, you can’t live without them.
Just the thought of living without them in your life sends you spiraling into depression.
You have an overwhelming desire for their daily attention and affection
and the thought of living without them is unimaginable.
Read the 11 lies that sabotage breaking off the affair.
14. Strong sexual desire for the Limerent Object
This is not just a school crush, the sexual desire for the object of your Limerence is strong.
If both are in an affair with each other, the secretive and sexual aspect of their relationship fuels their Limerence.
15. Physical symptoms can be experienced in Limerence.
physical symptoms when around or in contact with the LO are common, such as heart palpitations and possibly even dizzy and sweaty.
16. Normally well reasoning people who now disregard logic, previously held values,
and reputations to pursue their L.O.
Many careers were destroyed, previously held values broken and marriages ended because of limerence.
Otherwise intelligent people will throw it all away in pursuit of the person of their obsession, even beyond reason.
So, how do these 16 Limerence symptoms apply to affairs?
- They are very often present in one or both people in an affair creating a “limerent relationship”.
In other words, a relationship based not on the self sacrificing, unconditional type of love that’s long lasting.
A limerent relationship is usually an affair that has many of these 16 characteristics. Is this a good foundation for a relationship? - They often believe their affair partner is their soul-mate, even believing they have ‘never felt this way about their spouse’.
But what is often happening is they are rewriting history and forgetting their previous strong emotions
they felt in the beginning of that relationship. That is one of the limerence symptoms. - If you make life-changing decisions while in this limerence state of mind, you risk losing a lot. Limerence eventually fizzles out.
If you’re still in the affair, or having contact with your affair partner,
you’re not thinking clearly and still in the affair fog that limerence creates.
Once that fog lifts and limerence fades, what will your life look like? Serious questions to think about.
Do you relate to any of 16 undeniable signs limerence symptoms?
If you’re the betrayed spouse, do you recognize these limerence symptoms in your spouse?
A quick look at the brain chemicals behind this limerence:
The flooding of brain chemicals of dopamine, and dropping levels of serotonin are what fuels limerence.
But they can’t continue in that elevated state forever.
Dopamine spikes, flooding the brain with feeling good chemicals; while serotonin drops, which often helps fuel obsessive behavior.
But it will eventually stop.
It’s unsustainable for very long.
The average length of limerence symptoms and feelings lasts between 3-36 months,
depending upon whether they were in an affair and the feeling was mutual or not.
In other words, is there just one person having obsessive feelings toward another or are both in the affair with each other?
Dr. Joe Beam states: “An interesting phenomenon that typically occurs in limerence is that one partner becomes limerent more quickly
than does the other. During the first stage, the slower partner pulls away because of guilt and other feelings, only to be pulled back by
the other partner who already is fully limerent. In the last stage, the partner who became limerent the fastest also typically falls out of
limerence the fastest.
Now the roles reverse: the partner who entered limerence more slowly, also exits it more slowly and begins to
pull the other partner back into the affair.”
“Limerence exists to bring people together, not to keep them together,” Beam says.
It always ends, and when it does, so does the affair. Sure, one may ask whether it is possible that
‘affair limerence’ could be replaced by true love, once the limerence ends?
The answer seems to be, “yes, it’s possible, but highly unlikely.”
This is because the seeds of the affair were planted in soil that was thoroughly poisoned by lies, deception, and mistrust.
Precious little can survive long-term in that kind of ground.”
Are you are in an affair and identify with any of the signs of limerence,
or you’re on your way out of the affair and the limerence symptoms are subsiding?
Comment below, even anonymously, and share your thoughts because it always helps others to know they’re not alone.
If you’ve ended your affair, or considering breaking it off,
you might like to watch me talk on my video on How To Deal With Triggers and Withdrawals.
If you’re the unfaithful wife, read more here because there is a path for help.
Are you the hurt husband, trying to make sense of your wife’s infidelity?
Read more here for betrayed husbands, because we have a whole section to help you as you process through
this difficult time.
Also, it might help to watch my video interview with my very own husband as he shares his perspective of
the infidelity 12 years ago.
Quote “But it will eventually stop. It’s unsustainable for very long. The average length of limerence symptoms and feelings lasts between 3-36 months, depending upon whether they were in an affair and the feeling was mutual or not.”
So is it longer or shorter if this happened as a result of an affair?
Thanks for your question. Affairs very rarely last- they’re unsustainable in real life. But what I meant was someone can have Limerence feelings for another that may not
be mutual. That person is just obsessed with that person, even after the other person has ended the affair. (Think of the movie Fatal Attraction as an extreme example).
I added this extra piece to clarify what I meant: “…In other words, is there just one person having obsessive feelings toward another or are both in the affair with each other?
Dr. Joe Beam states: “An interesting phenomenon that typically occurs in limerence is that one partner becomes limerent more quicklythan does the other.
During the first stage, the slower partner pulls away because of guilt and other feelings, only to be pulled back bythe other partner who already is fully limerent.
In the last stage, the partner who became limerent the fastest also typically falls out oflimerence the fastest.
Now the roles reverse: the partner who entered limerence more slowly, also exits it more slowly and begins topull the other partner back into the affair.”
“Limerence exists to bring people together, not to keep them together,” Beam says. It always ends, and when it does, so does the affair. Sure, one may ask whether it is possible that affair limerence could be replacedby true love once the limerence ends; the answer seems to be, “yes, it’s possible, but highly unlikely.”
This is because the seeds of the affair were planted in soil that was thoroughly poisoned by lies, deception, and mistrust.Precious little can survive long-term in that kind of ground.”
I was very fortunate with my wife’s limerence. We had a great relationship before it started, but closely working with a man at work for a month started it. I was able to be methodical during the phases and didn’t freak out. She made me the bad guy and was truly in love. I told her that I loved her and wanted her to be happy. She realized that I wasn’t fighting her, and I became her safe place to talk. That was hard for me because she told me things about this fantasy relationship that hurt. We continued to hang out and be friends. She went in first, so when she came out he became overbearing and demanding. This led us being pushed closer and her realizing that she had made a mistake. We are still not past the situation, but I have forgiven her and only worry sometimes that I’ll have to experience the hurt again. My advice to anyone going through this is, if you can take it and be strong for months be on their side. Do not get upset or fight the more civilized conversations you can have with your spouse the better it will be. Share intimate secrets with them when you have moments with the person you married not the love crazed teenager. When you share secrets they’ll share something may not be much but it’s something you can use to show you’re listening. Don’t dismiss anything your spouse is saying by calling them crazy or telling them they are wrong. Once your spouse starts sharing flaws the other person has it’s not over so don’t celebrate. I made that mistake and was devastated when she wanted to go back. I broke down and cried in front of her. It actually turned out ok because we ended up having sex good passionate sex. She was concerned about my feelings again and spent several days with me. He continued to blow up her phone which made her see more of his flaws. She continues to get more irritated by him daily. Pray pray pray and pray some more. I don’t think god will fix your marriage because people have free will to do as they please, but he can give you the strength and courage to continue to fight when you don’t think you have anything left. Dr. Beam says that people don’t leave what they have unless what they think they are going to is better. Don’t tell them they are making a mistake because talk is cheap. Show them they are making a mistake. God won’t let you take on more than you can handle. If you can put it on him he’ll see you through.
My husband was deep into limerence when he disclosed his affair six months ago. It was so painful. He told me she was his soul mate and how perfect she was for him. When I told him that he was free to leave and be with her permanently, he was ecstatic. Limerence blinded him; he didn’t consider the children he would abandon, the home he would lose, and the years we had spent building a life together. He found no fault with her during his limerence. Limerence and affair fog were by far the worst parts of the affair because they were so damaging to my psyche.
My husband had several emotional affairs before he decided to leave me 4 months ago, and I question whether any became physical but he denies that. I’ve come to the point where I realize I’m better off without him because I can never trust anything he says again. Once I realized this, I allowed myself to wonder about a friend I knew back in high school, and I’m realizing that my thoughts of him have turned into limerance, and it’s become so disruptive to my life. He doesn’t know, because I have no way to contact him, and from what I can tell, he is probably married, so I wouldn’t want to contact him feeling the way I do if that’s the case. This is someone I haven’t spoken to in 22+ years, who may not even remember me for all I know, but I can’t stop thinking about him and obsessing over the few details about him I can find through social media. Please tell me this crazy illogical problem will most likely be on the shorter end of that 3-36 months. Being lonely after my husband left is one thing, but obsessing over a man who doesn’t know or care I even exist is ridiculous to me, but here I am.
Hi Susan. The thing to remember is the crazy obsessing will only stop when you choose to stop those thoughts. Sometimes we think we have no control over this- and I see this with people when trying to understand the term Limerence. But we all have control over our own thoughts. The problem is when people are not even aware they’re in that spell, so to speak. But that doesn’t sound like the case for you- you recognize it, so that’s good. Your job now is to harness your thoughts, stop the thoughts that aren’t serving you and making you obsessive…it takes practice and it’s important to have other new thoughts (that don’t involve him) to replace the former thoughts. We always need another thought to replace with. So to answer your question- it’s really up to you how fast you go on with this, but it’s obviously not serving you. I suspect you were using it as a way to feel better, and loved, by remembering someone who did care for you- at a time when you needed that most.
Interesting read.. I’ve researched Dr Joe Beam extensively – he knows what’s he’s talking about. One question though does Limerence last longer if they are not in daily contact. He works away throughout the week so I’d say up to 80% of time spent away during a month. My separated husband seems to be vacillating frequently – it’s been over 3 years but definitely has all the hallmark signs of Limerence
Limerence has a much better chance of fading faster if they are not in any contact at all. It starves the intensity of it.
If it’s been 3 years and he’s still in the same stages of Limerence I’d question if he has really ended it and what he’s done to move forward.
Is he working a recovery plan or in counseling? It doesn’t help that he’s away from home so much either. You both need time together to reconnect
and heal and that can’t happen easily when he’s gone so much… plus I’d imagine the temptation to resume/continue an affair is greater when he’s away
from home so he needs some accountability and a plan of how he’s going to handle that.
I’m not having an affair – the person I am obsessed with I have only had a brief interaction with. I wasn’t attracted to him at first, but I think he came on to me; probably piqued my curiosity, and boom my mind went crazy. I went from being rational, contented, well adjusted to wondering, daydreaming, fantasizing, and questioning my current relationship. I am guilty of all 16 signs of limerence in one form or another listed above; I feel like and know there is something psychologically and physiologically wrong with me. I feel like I am caught in a time trap; I feel pathetic. I guess I am sharing because I feel so alone in this. I couldn’t possibly tell anyone close to me for fear they would judge me. I understand the psychology behind all of this, I have suffered from depression. I’m on a NDRI which makes it worse. As you can see I’m well versed in self reflection. Why can’t I be normal? I’m being rhetorical no need to reply. Thanks for listening.
I knew my state of mind is a condition and I couldn’t get a handle on it and didn’t know where to start. I am 40 yrs old, happily married but work in an environment that allows me to meet and see new people on a daily. I’m guilty of being a Limerence! This feeling overwhelmed me 1 year ago when a co-worker looked at me and gave me constant glances. And as explained, when our eyes meet it’s like he’s my soulmate and never felt this before. In the beginning I didn’t pay much attention but each time we run into each other, that instant spark I feel that makes my heart beat so fast, with butterflies in my stomach like a teenage crush! I couldn’t believe I was feeling this again as an adult! I cannot shake this off although I’m trying to avoid my LO. It is very hard and I can’t be sure if this is one-sided (me) or maybe he is interested too. But I know and acknowledge that this cannot go on and I am taking this as a one-sided Limerence. I hope this ends soon!
Kate, I would tell you to run now. Get out of that work environment that is putting you in a situation to see this other person. I assure you that your eyes meeting does not mean he’s your soulmate.
It’s a trap to lure you in and you’ll seriously regret it the rest of your life if you don’t turn back now. Your mind will tell you it’s no big deal, that you can continue to flirt with no consequences
but that’s a lie. Take it from someone who believed all those lies- this “teenage crush” will come back to bite you and become your worst nightmare. I hope you will heed the warning from me and the
thousands of people reading this blog that will testify to what I’m saying… it’s not worth all that you’ll lose and it eventually progresses into more.
Hi, I could have written her comment word for word. But what can I do if I can’t not see him? I’d have to move my family away from their friends and only home they know etc? I also can’t tell my husband about these feelings so I am so alone in this. Haven’t told a single person. It has been over a year. I think the man I “wuv” is experiencing it too. I’m convinced I need to talk to him about this but don’t know how to work up the courage. Neither of us would ever want to break our families up. It’s mainly sexual I think, for me. I don’t fantasize about going on dates or walking along a beach, just sexual things. Passionate frenzy. That’s what I’m wanting. It’s like my fantasy world could come to life. Uhg I’m so sick of this and yet can’t stop wanting it!!!!
My husband of 15 years has just left and filed for divorce. Turns out he’s been seeing someone for over 4 years. He says all these things- they are soul mates , she’s perfect for him , she gets him like no other. She feels the same according to letters I’ve seen. The thing is he has let his business go to poop, he is an emotional dollar coaster ( because she hasn’t left her husband yet) and is depressed a lot according to our teenager- except when talking to his gf or when he gets to see her. Sounds like limernace. He’s not stable I believe. But we are about to divorce. The texts I saw are just back and forth I love you with all my heart and soul and no one has ever made feel feel like this and your the love of my life and I want to take care of you… on both sides. Do real couples really talk like that? We didn’t.
Came across this because I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and he is hands down one of the most understanding and nicest people I’ve ever know. We get along and can talk for hours. However I am his first in everything. The last 6 months we’ve been doing long distance and before that our sex life already took a toll before the one year mark but we were still content. About a month ago a colleague from college messaged me confessing some intense feelings. I’ve become completely limerent. Told my boyfriend about some of it minus the sexual aspect. But now I don’t know what to do. I can’t remember how passionate I felt with my boyfriend and I just constantly think about breaking up and being with someone new, mainly my LO. But my boyfriend and I were supposed to move back together. Don’t know what to do or what I really want. I’m still in my 20s and I’m also feeling I don’t want to stay tied to anyone yet.
I’d never before heard of limerence, but after reading this I am positive this is what I’ve been feeling. I had an emotional affair with a friend and he became limerent earlier on, while I felt guilty and kept trying to end things. I eventually did get out of it before things went too far, but now my limerent feelings are stronger than ever. I feel pathetic and obsessed, driving by his work and house and longingly looking to catch a glimpse of him. I’m jealous of his wife, and our other friends who still get to spend time with him. I really really strongly want to reach out to him to get some answers, but I know I’m not supposed to, my husband would be hurt and disappointed. It’s been months since our affair, and sometimes I think if I could just get these questions answered I would finally be able to let go and move on instead of being stuck in limbo. . I know those kind of feelings aren’t normal. My husband and I have a fine marriage, but the spark went out along time ago when he began neglecting me and putting work first.
Just finished signing my divorce docs. Married 22 years….3 beautiful kids and a family that everyone seemed to envy. She was my best friend and we always taught our kids to be open and modeled openness in our family. When an old college friend appeared in her life, and they embarked on the building of a tiny house for a homeless vet in our neighborhood, I supported them in this endeavor and trusted them without reservation as I was so convinced our marriage was bomb proof. Every day her AP left, he’d give me a hug…I had no idea they were having an affair. In retrospect I was such a chump.
I would have filed for divorce, but one of our sons begged me not to….he was exhibiting depression and was tanking in school. I let her drive the process and drive it she did. I have no words for this other then to say that I don’t hate her, but I really feel pity for the person she’s become and what she’s thrown away. She may have gotten a great divorce settlement, but I have my integrity and am the sane parent for my kids. Meanwhile, she’s morphed into a pathetic human being posing as an adult. But, that’s her journey. I’m moving on. Finally.
I’m so sorry you’re in this situation Tim. It’s incredibly unfair and I suspect she will eventually ‘wake up’ from this fog and fantasy and realize all she exchanged it for.
I pray you and your kids can move forward and heal.
What do I do? My LO is a co worker and I have to see and work with him 2-3 days a week. My head spins and heart races just seeing him and thinking of becoming intimate with him. He’s 13 years younger than I am and it would never work yet I don’t want to give up hope. Help!!!!
Thank you!! This is the most interesting and relatable article I’ve read about understanding affairs. Oh my goodness, the mood swings & the distractions that affect my work and productivity in general. My “affair” is purely emotional only because we live in different countries, both married with kids, middle aged, but we knew each other many years ago & our paths have crossed a few times. He initiated the reconnection over 2 years ago, and we’ve seen each other twice in that time pre-covid but nothing more than a quick hug & a kiss has happened. This type of behaviour sits way outside my own morals & values. Although I didn’t initiate the connection (nor was looking for attention outside my marriage), I was definitely the one that was more limerent at first, and he then had the guilt and backed off, and then kept coming back for more. We text almost daily, are very intimate – emotionally & sexually, he makes me feel so calm, desired, and the chemistry is insane. We’re both intelligent people and choose not to ever be together permanently as our family values are strong. I can’t imagine not ever having him in my life, so I’m not ready to cut all ties. Neither of us have told anyone – despite living in different countries we do have many mutual friends and understand it could end badly for many of our friendships. Thus lies one of the issues for me personally – not being able to talk to anyone about it. And in my head I even believe we’re twin flames…I can often feel him. We just want the opportunity to be together physically….if only once. I never dreamed I’d be in this situation…ever! Thanks for listening ))
I’m in an EO and have experienced all 16. I was late to the game recognizing it and after 3 months shes seemingly pulled away. She started it and ended it – now I’m the wreckage. Problem is I will see her at work for the rest of my career. How do I recover?
I need some guidance, I really thought I had far more self control, but here, I am. Not exactly sure how I got into this position but now. My LO, is a coworker reporting to me. I suspected all this started with some social events outside of work and spending time together, which then resulted in the coworker sending me daily instant messages, some work related, some not, some topics crossed the sexual nature and she has opened up so much about her private life. To such an extend that, I started to like the amount of messages and actually get excited when there is a message. There is a pattern, huge volume of messages, then a quite week or two, then it all starts again. Now, she has pulled away and I’m at a loss, the professional part of the relationship is still there and we continue to be professional. Both of us are married and we have not done anything yet, other then the chatting. I know this is wrong on every level but my head is spinning and I can only think of her to such an extent that I have disconnected from my wife and I even think there might have been some productivity impact. I’m not sure what to do. I do know, I need to stop this and ensure that it does not escalate, also, I’m not really sure how she feels, so, I might be making all this up in my head. Help pls!!!
Pete, It’s going to take some time and active work on your end to let her go and work on your marriage.
Affairs are very painful to all involved. If you could find another job that would be best, but until then
you do everything you can to eliminate or minimize the possibility of contacting her (blocking her on everything personal).
If you see her at work, you’ll need a plan for how you will react in a professional manner and minimize the interaction.
But work place affairs are very difficult to get over because of seeing the other person still.
It’s one of those situations where you decide how badly you want recovery from this- as Jesus said “And if your right hand causes you to stumble,
cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell”
Sounds drastic doesn’t it?
I never understood that verse until I had to take drastic steps myself to get free of the affair.
Hi Charl, your situation sounds similar to Pete’s situation (also in the comments for this post); see my message to him.
I would say the same to you. Also, most people have no idea what a trap adultery is. It’s a lure that deceives us into believing
we can do this and nobody will get hurt but it’s a lie. It’s way more addicting and painful for everyone- including the betrayed
spouse obviously. Run from her and this interaction from her before your life unravels more. You’ve disconnected from your wife
because you were getting your emotional needs met by this woman- it happens to most everyone during an affair.
Remind yourself of all you have to lose every time the “lure” is shiny and appealing- it’s not worth it!
I’d never heard the term limerance before but now that I have I understand what I’m experiencing. I haven’t seen this guy in over 20 years but was in a sort of forbidden love situation with him back in high school. I’ve been married for a long time with 2 beautiful children, and I really do believe my husband is my soulmate, but have always wondered what me and this other guy could have had if fate wouldn’t have stepped in our way. Lately, that curiosity has become an obsessive thought and I find myself searching him online, stalking his wife’s social media and growing more and more jealous by the day. I’ve even wondered if he ever cheated on her or ever would, and of course fantasized about having an affair with him. It’s crazy what our minds are capable of. Of course, I’m smart enough to recognize none of this is real and trying to make it so could destroy my family and his. But it is a very powerful thing.
I can find hardly any help for my situation. Whenever I search I always seem to find the married man having an affair or the woman finding out later that her partner is married.
But I am a single man and met a woman and fell so much in love. Only to find out some months into the relationship that she is married. At that point I could not bring myself to end it. She had initiated the connection and it has continued now for over a year and a half. But now she has started to distant herself sexually from me almost totally now. But we still text daily and occasionally meet for a few minutes sometimes during the week now but nothing sexually anymore. I was married and have been divorced for years and I would of never in my life had done anything like this knowingly.
But now I meet I think everything mentioned above about limerence. I mean everything. I am still in this affair somewhat but I am extremely extremely lonely and so totally heart broken and still cannot bring myself to end situation.
Hi Debbie, I have been talking to an old boyfriend online for over 3 years. We took a break from talking for over a year, praying that these feelings would subside and we’d be able to keep our families together. We both have spouses and families and have both been married for over 15 years. I see how my relationship with him all started in limerence, but isn’t that where all real love starts? All those feelings of everything about the other person is ‘perfect.’ I believe I’m past the stage of “fantasy land” with him and now feel like he’s my best friend, the one I want to share everything with good or bad. We live in different states so our physical contact has been limited to a handful of times. We have not had sex, but have shared other physically intimate things. Neither of us wants to break up our families for the sake of the kids (7 total!) We both also have strong Christian beliefs in extended families. It makes us feel like no one would ever support our relationship. So we haven’t made the decision to be together. I need some advice on what to do when you no longer feel only limerence for this person and have established a real true bond and deep friendship with them. Is there a point when you have just went too far emotionally with someone else and there is no coming back from it? Over the year of no contact, I feel like I tried everything possible to ‘get over him’ I prayed, did counseling, deep soul searching, etc. The second we made contact again it was as if we had never stopped, we picked up right where we left off. I just recently told my spouse what has been going on, I’m tired of living a double life. I need to make a decision to stay or go. I want to stay to protect my kids from a broken family. But is that really a good enough reason? I feel like I’ll just be counting down the years until the kids are out of the house so I can be with the man I am in love with. I got married very young and missed some red flags that have made my marriage difficult. Now I’m older I know that I’m much more compatible with my AP and we understand eachothers needs, we are a great match and have so many similar interests. I really believe we could be so happy together. I do have a deep connection with him and friendship and know we would make it through the rough stuff together too. But I feel tied down to my marriage and the responsibility to raise our children together. My spouse wants me to stay and work things out. I want to try for the kids, but my heart just isn’t in it anymore. We have grown to far apart and are too different. I just want to be able to feel happy and content with my decision. I feel like either choice I make is going to come with many years of sacrifice and sadness. I could use some advice from anyone that has developed a deep friendship and moved beyond the stage of limerence with their AP.
Hi, I want to believe my husband is in limernace right now. We have been together for 6 years. 3 beautiful kids together youngest is 8 months old. My husband had an affair on me 1.5 months ago, and he is still seeing her. He says he loves her and no longer loves me and doesn’t want to work on it and had moved out and doesn’t want to come home. He seems obsessed with her. I pray everyday for his return. I truly believe we can get through this but he’s so shut out, and so blinded by her and this new party life he has with her.