Is it Emotional Unfaithfulness, or an Emotional Affair?
Whatever you want to call it, these 17 warning signs will tell you if you’re having one.
“About Emotional Affairs” Series.
Part 1: “What is an emotional affair, and is it really cheating?”
>Part 2: 17 Warning Signs of your Emotional Unfaithfulness.
Nobody wants to think of emotional unfaithfulness when they’re in a friendship with someone of the opposite sex.
Just the thought of it seems so extreme, doesn’t it?
Plus, you know you’d never really have an actual affair, so you might wonder, what’s the harm?
It’s just innocent flirting, or, we’re just friends, it’s not sexual.
But even if you haven’t crossed over into a physical affair,
the results can still be just as damaging as if it was sexual.
And some specialists may argue, it’s even more damaging,
because it creates an bond of intimacy with someone other than your spouse.
From someone who’s (very regrettably) had an affair myself, I’ll tell you that I could have checked off
many of the statements on this list, BEFORE my affair actually progressed to the next level.
What does it mean to emotionally cheat on someone?
- Don’t forget to check out the first part of this series “What is an emotional affair and is it really cheating?”
- Emotionally cheating on your husband (or wife) is really about a level of emotional support and intimacy
someone of the opposite sex, other than your spouse.
- You’re emotionally vulnerable with this ‘friend’, which creates a connection that’s really supposed to only be reserved for your husband (or wife).
C’mon, let’s be honest.
There’s only so much of us to go around.
After work, taking care of kids, family, friends and housework… what’s left over?
At the end of most days, I’m spent, as you likely are too.
It’s hard enough keeping the connection in our marriages, but add a third person who you’re sharing intimate details with,
and it’ll eventually be the kiss of death for your marriage.
No matter how much we tell ourselves otherwise.
I’ve been there too remember? I know about the denial, and the games we play in our heads.
Also, It’s very easy to deny you’re in an emotional affair, if nothing sexual has happened.
But still, for many people, the line between a platonic friendship, and romantic feelings and attraction, can be muddied or gray.
Secret conversations with ‘your friend’ are minimized in your mind, and your increasing thoughts about them, likely aren’t discussed with anyone.
If your friend is of the opposite sex, and you recognize some of the following signs of emotional unfaithfulness,
then honestly examine your motives for this friendship.
Get serious with yourself about whether you crossed from that gray area, into having an emotional affair.
You may relate to only a few on this list, or you might see a bunch of signs that resonate with you.
Just remember, you don’t have to relate to all of these signs, and still be having an emotional affair.
But let it be a warning for you to step back now before it’s too late.
What constitutes an emotional affair?
As you review the list, you might think some of these statements are repetitive, but they’re not.
I was purposely very specific with these statements and questions,
to eliminate any shadow of doubt in your mind of what you may have been doing.
(These questions can be answered for either gender, as I realize some men will read this too).
17 warning signs of emotional unfaithfulness.
1-17 are the “statement” signs of an emotional affair.
- You find yourself thinking, and fantasizing, about this other person (your friend)
with more and more frequency. (sexually or otherwise)
- You’ve been withdrawing intimately from your spouse, either physically or emotionally.
- Spending less time with your spouse and date nights are less frequent.
- Checking your phone, email or social media accounts to see if your friend has called or texted you,
or otherwise commented on your social media account.
- Taking extra time getting ready to look more beautiful (or handsome) than you typically would,
when you know you’ll be seeing this other person.
- You’ve bought new clothes, got a new hairstyle, or purchased new perfume/cologne that you thought they’d like.
- You find excuses or reasons to call, Facetime, or text your friend; and there’s a lot of time spent communicating at all hours.
- You’re often anticipating when you’ll talk to, or be with this person again.
- You look for thoughtful ways to show your friend you’ll take care of them if they’re sick, like bringing soup or Rx.
- If your friend is going through a hard time, you go out of your way to give them an encouraging note, card or gift.
- You spend more time working out and getting in shape to look your best, ultimately for this other person to notice.
- This friend has become the first person you turn to with good news, or bad news.
- Your friend seems to listen more, and understand you better, than your husband does now.
- You’ve shared intimate information about yourself, or troubles in your marriage with this person, under the guise of asking for their advice.
- You both have inside jokes, and you laugh at their jokes more frequently than normal.
- You began liking what your friend likes, including favorite sports teams, food, drinks or restaurants etc…
- You’re friends or spouse have noticed that you’re bringing up this persons name a lot more often; they may have asked you about that.
this list of warning signs of emotional unfaithfulness, really comes down to one thing…
- If there’s anything about your relationship with this friend, this other man,
that you feel the need to keep secret from your husband, then something’s wrong.
- Having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is dangerous,
especially in this age of easy accessibility with texting and social media.
I know that sounds extreme, but I’ve seen how tempting it is to cross that line.
I’ve lived through the anguish and devastation that an affair causes. And I’ve seen it in too many other marriages as well.
So, there really shouldn’t be any reason to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex,
especially if you’re being secretive or elusive about it with your spouse.
My husband and I have a lot of couples that we’re friends with.
But I wouldn’t be calling the husband with any of the things on this list.
It’s just crossing an inappropriate boundary and potentially opening up a door to trouble.
If you don’t feel the closeness in your marriage like you do with your friend, then put the effort into working on your relationship with your husband instead.
Learn each other’s love language and the top emotional needs men and women both have in marriage, as a start.
Trust me on this, the time you spend on your marriage now, will pay off in dividends later;
but the time you put into a friendship with the opposite sex can quickly become twisted and cause devastation later.
To read my letter to the unfaithful wife, click here.
If you’re a husband and you’re suspecting your wife of having an affair, click here.