7 benefits of having an affair…
which are really not benefits at all.
7 benefits of having an affair? Am I crazy?
Now before you write me a nasty email thinking I’m promoting infidelity, please read on.
(and yes, I’ve already gotten that from this post, from someone who obviously didn’t read the whole thing).
I just want to expose the lies that go through many unfaithful spouses minds before they cheated.
Because in the mind of the wayward spouse, they went into having an affair, because they thought there’s some benefit in it for them.
We don’t like to think of it, but it’s human nature. We only do those things we feel we’ll benefit from.
It seems everywhere we turn these days there’s talk of infidelity, affair’s, adultery, cheating, indiscretions, or whatever name you want to give it.
Some vulnerable people might start thinking, “hey, there must be real benefits to having an affair”.
So, let’s dive into the lies (benefits) you might
hear in your head to go ahead and have an affair.
Then I’ll explain the truth of what an affair will really will give you.
Of course, If you’re determined, or “hell bent”, on having an affair, there’s not too much anyone can say to keep you from acting upon your desires.
1. “I need the attention and affection right now”.
- Actually, what you will get is attention for sure. At first it will come from your affair partner, as they gush over you with the affection and attention you’re craving.
- But once your secret is out, you’ll also get lots of attention from others.
People will be angry, hurt and disappointed with you.
- Everyone who finds out will surely give you the attention you’re craving. They may yell, scream or just eventually stop talking to you.
- People like the latest gossip and you’re affair will provide them that.
The attention will come in whispers or even potentially getting fired from your job, once your affair is found out.
Is that really the kind of attention you want?
2. “It will be fun, I need some excitement in my life”, you may reason to yourself.
- Yes, I won’t deny there’s initially a season of excitement to having an affair; perhaps it in knowing you’re partaking in forbidden fruit.
Just as was the thrill of a junior high school crush while you exchanged notes, asking them to check ‘the do you like me-yes or no’ box, when the teacher wasn’t looking.
- Some of that fun was in doing something you knew was wrong (cheating on test), or just the childish excitement of knowing someone liked.
- Yet, we grow up and realize there are mature ways of finding excitement and usually don’t need to find it in cheating.
This is the type of excitement, however, that you’ll pay for in misery for a long time to come. Maybe you’ll be able to push down the guilt for awhile, but the truth is,
payday comes eventually. It’s not worth the momentary thrill you felt.
3. “I have so much stress in my life, I need to relax.”
- Stress is hard to deal with. It’s been shown it takes a physical toll on the body, and we all seek relief from it at times.
- The truth is your stress will change very soon after having an affair;
you’ll find living a life of sneaking around and constant lying to your spouse even more stressful than you would have ever imagined.
- Keeping your stories straight, and trying to make sure you don’t get caught, will definitely add to your stress level.
- If you have stress now, know that you’ve just signed up for one of the biggest stressors of your life, all cloaked in a package of relief.
- Your body will likely exhibit the symptoms of stress when sleep becomes more difficult, increased stomach pain, headaches etc..
that the increased pressure of an affair just added to your life.
4. “My spouse and I just don’t get along anymore, this other person really loves me.”
- All marriages go through difficulties at some point. It’s easy to let life’s issues put a wedge in your relationship and drift you apart.
- Remember when you once thought your spouse was everything?
- You likely fell deeply in love, or you wouldn’t have married them. So, this new person somehow will magically be different?
- Soon enough the illusion of bliss, in the beginning stages of an affair will fade and you likely won’t be any further along than where you are now with your spouse (we often call this the limerence phase, you can read more about it here.).
- Every relationship goes through that honeymoon phase with the excitement and thrill, remember the junior high school example?
Real and mature love pushes past this phase to find a deeper love and commitment below, if we’re willing to find it. Remember the ‘grass is always greener’ analogy? It’s true.
5. “It’s just sex, it doesn’t mean anything, and it won’t hurt anyone, as long as nobody finds out.”
- There may be some truth to this, initially. But that rarely is true for very long. Plus, I’d say infidelity eventually hurts you, your soul, and changes the very essence of who you are.
- People begin to change their own core values and beliefs, their relationship with their family is hurt because they’ll disconnect from them.
- Spiritually, you’ll die a little inside. If you had a relationship with God before, be prepared for that to be hurt because who wants to pray when they’re committing adultery?
- It may be sex and nobody will find out (yet), unless you count your doctor who will need to do a test for STD’s.
- So it’s a myth that nobody will be hurt, and nobody will find out. And it’s always more than just sex. You may think that may never happen to you,
or that your affair partner will be honest if they have an STD, perhaps you’re right. (Go ahead and trust that person who thinks it okay for you to lie and cheat on your spouse, and is helping you keep the truth hidden).
But it’s a dangerous game of Russian roulette you’re playing with your own body and soul, as well as the relationships with your family and God.
6. “I just feel happy with this other person.”
- Happiness may come at first, or what you perceive is happiness. Most likely, it is the delight in knowing someone likes you and finds you desirable.
You can read more about Affair stages here.
- But, just as in #4, there’s always an initial period of time in a relationship where we are happy and think it will last forever. (remember the limerence article?)
- Soon enough, you will regret the decision to be unfaithful, as your life begins to unravel and falls apart.
- Temporary, ‘happiness’ will be replaced by a deeper level of regret than you likely ever felt before.
- The long-term pain will always outweigh the short-term fun.
Feelings lie to us and, if we follow them, we’ll eventually feel the opposite of what we thought we’d feel.
7. “I just need some ‘me time’, to do something for myself for a change.”
- We all need a break from our daily routines to get away and do something we enjoy.
- But if you’re putting an affair at the top of that list, the ‘me time’ you’re craving will actually turn into the worst loneliness you can imagine.
- Once your secret is out, many will not stand by your side any longer.
- Those friends you thought would always love you no matter what will very likely not want to talk to you anymore. It’s just a fact; many people don’t want to associate with a cheater.
- As children find out their parent has not lived out the moral example they portrayed themselves to live, there’s often resentment and a pulling away from that parent for a time.
Instead of having an affair to do something for yourself, how about start a new adventure, take a mini-vacation, read a new book etc…
In conclusion, you’ll see these ‘ 7 benefits of having an affair’ aren’t really very beneficial after all.
I was true to my word that this is what you’ll ‘gain’. But are they benefits?
Well, your mind is likely telling you you’ll benefit if you have an affair, but now that we’ve look closely at the truth of these benefits, you decide.
Sometimes we don’t want to look at the truth of what our life will be after we make our choices.
You can also read this post, where I actually list 18 reasons why NOT to have an affair.
See, I know firsthand how destructive and dangerous having an affair is.
I’m sure I was thinking many of these lies before I went down that road, so forgive me for my bluntness.
I’m just tired of hearing about the devastation an affair has had on another marriage and another family.
This is not even mentioning the intense guilt and shame many women who contact me are feeling everyday.
That’s not a benefit.
You WON’T be better afterwards. Trust me on this.
Nothing you do in the future will be able to change this decision.
Most people will site their affair as one of the biggest mistakes, and regret, of their lives. Nobody leaves this earth wishing they’d had an affair, but ask any one who’ve lived through having one, or been the spouse of a cheater, and they’ll likely say it was one of the most painful times in their lives.
But you decide if that is a benefit.
Deb: I love your articles. This article reminds me of one I read on affairs a bit back in trying to figure out what excuses you told yourself that got you into the affair. My husband seems to be handling it really well after we talking about it non stop, details included, for 7 hours one day + more. I will say though, knowing what I know now, I would never step into that trap again. Not just my husband’s hurt but honestly the loss of self is so incredible you would have never thought. I have ALWAYS felt like I have known myself so well and after this experience I really felt I lost myself. I still feel in the midst of a self identity crisis but it is SOOOO not worth it. If I can give advice to ANYONE, don’t go there- even if you think you love that person- just don’t. Work on your relationship with your spouse but seriously work with your spouse is easier than an affair. Honestly!
Debbie Rose says
Thank you Taylor, for sharing your experience with me and my readers. It’s true that we lose ourselves during an affair and start becoming
someone even we don’t recognize. Hopefully someone will heed your warning if they’re playing with the idea. It’s such a trap. I hope you and
your husband are on the way to healing and full restoration.
Such a helpful website and post. Thank you. I’m having an affair and I am desperate to end it. My partner and I have lived as what I convinced myself to be as ‘friends’ for so long. However, this affair has made me realise that this ‘friendship’ was actually something else. What I loved about the post was that even if you did get with your affair partner, you would likely end up in the same place as you are now with your current partner, once the honeymoon period is over. If anyone is reading this post and is considering an affair, is tempted…is newly in an affair – please, please – don’t progress this any further. The torment, hurt and pain is real. Please don’t do what I did. The grass is rarely greener, as I have discovered. Please don’t betray your partner. I now have to carry this guilt with me for the rest of my life. Please don’t make the same mistake as I did.