Are you tired of feeling stuck in the back & forth of your affair?
These 9 excuses might be the reason.
This post is specifically written for the one who can’t seem to stop their affair.
Specifically, the wife who was unfaithful, or the woman involved with a married man.
And let me tell you- you really DO need to get free of this affair without delaying another day.
Like a toxic addiction, you will suffer more damage to your own soul,
your husband and your family, the longer you drag it on.
Resuming an affair, or choosing not to do whatever it takes to remove this person
from all areas of your life,
shows a heart that is not fully surrendered yet,
and is not completely repentant to God & willing to do whatever it takes to get free.
I don’t say this in judgment to you, because that was me as well.
For many months, I still allowed an open door to remain.
I didn’t hold firm to “NO CONTACT” for long.
You can read more about my story here.
I couldn’t understand why I could not seem to go very long without resuming contact with the other man.
I felt like it had an addictive hold over me, and in a lot of ways it did.
I made lot of excuses & had justifications for it, and I believed the lies
that were keeping me stuck in the same destructive cycle
that so many affairs are in because… they don’t do whatever it takes to maintain no contact.
But I was the one contributing to my own inability to get free…
and that’s what I want to talk with you about here.
To learn more about what No Contact is, read this post.
What do you do with something that you know is going to destroy you and your family?
Let me give you an example: If there’s a dangerous, venomous snake in your house-
will you provide a nice bed in a secret corner of your house, because it’s too mean to cast him out?
NO! You’ll want that snake removed immediately! (even the thought of snakes gives me the chills)
Yet, how cavalier we can be about continuing in destructive and sinful behaviors that led us into adultery in the first place.
How often do you minimize the seriousness of remaining in contact with the person you broke vows to your spouse with and
have a list of reasons (excuses) for why you can’t fully maintain no contact with him.
The bible says to “flee sexual immorality…” 1 Corinthians 6:18
And “Submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you.” James 4:7
Friend, are you doing that?
The way to finding peace within yourself again is by completely ending the affair– & maintaining no contact FOR LIFE.
That’s going to mean you have to get very serious with yourself about the danger you’re in every day that you continue contact.
Remember my analogy of the poisonous snake in your house? That’s not too far off from the truth.
We have an enemy of our souls that would love to destroy you and your family.
Personally, I had to get very serious about what I’d done.
Now that I’m doing this blog and working with many women-
I see my same old destructive pattern repeated in their lives too and it breaks my heart.
To continue in an affair, you have to lie to yourself with excuses or justifications to avoid the guilt.
You have to live a double life; lying to your spouse about what you’re doing and who you’re with.
These are all behaviors of people who are involved in an affair, and proof that they’re actually believing a lie to keep it going.
Does that describe you, dear one?
If so, you need to hear the truth before your whole life blows up- or worse, you lose your soul.
So this is my “getting real with you” post.
There’s a fog of deception that comes upon all people having an affair.
That’s not a judgement, it’s the truth, and it happened to me too.
The best way to break out of that fog is to face the truth about what this is,
and to stop making excuses that are keeping you bound in it.
It’s also important to really listen to those who have been there before you-
who love you enough to speak the truth to you (which is what I try to do in this blog,
and many women in my private facebook group do to help other women who are still struggling- request to join here.).
(That was just my introduction! so let’s get to those 9 common excuses)
9 common excuses that are preventing you from ending your affair:
1.“I don’t want to block him- it’s rude and traumatic to ghost someone like that.”
Have you blocked him on any and all avenues that he could still reach out?
Or, are you keeping a door open for him to still contact you?
(examples of how you close those doors are:
blocking his number on your phone,
social media accounts,
removing the secret apps you communicated with him with,
blocking his email address into your spam folder,
avoiding talking to him if you see him somewhere…)
Maybe you’re afraid to block your Affair Partner (AP) because you don’t want to hurt his feelings, or you’re worried about him.
My reply to that: It was traumatic to your husband when he learned you were unfaithful to him.
It’s rude to lie and cheat on the one you vowed your life to.
And don’t kid yourself into thinking just because he doesn’t know that he’s not hurt.
You’re hurting your marriage the day you brought a third person into it, whether he knows or not.
Your AP knew what he was getting into when he got involved with a married woman.
I understand you’ll be concerned for him but it’s misplaced loyalty which is very common in an affair.
But I encourage you to shift that concern to the one you married who is the innocent party in this-
irregardless of the condition of your marriage at the time.
2. “I’ve mostly maintained ‘no contact’ with the occasional conversation or text here and there.
We’re trying to stay just friends.”
Nope, this is not No Contact. REAL No Contact means no more open doors to your AP.
No more ways for him to reach out to you, and making it very difficult for you to reach out to him.
No more friendship with a former affair partner.
I’ve heard women say they’re trying to have no contact with their AP, but they only go a few days.
That’s not no contact.
A few days of not talking or texting your affair partner, but that resuming that again- is NOT no contact.
It’s a trap to think it is and that thinking will only lead to your own pain and destruction in your life.
Friend, you’re lying to yourself everyday that you continue in the affair-
or even continuing to have contact with your affair partner- thinking you can still “be friends”.
Once you cross an inappropriate line with someone-
you cannot fool yourself into thinking you can be strong enough to stay “just friends”.
It only leads to eventually crossing that line again, or feeling miserable when you watch him move on with other women.
You can read my post about trying to stay friends with an AP here.
In Dr. William Harley’s book Surviving an Affair, he says:
“…there is no good reason for the unfaithful spouse to ever see or talk to the former lover.
There should be absolutely no contact. In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues related to children’s schooling,
I recommend with all seriousness that there be a sudden and complete end to an affair.
And I recommend extreme measures to ensure total separation for life from a former lover,”
3. “Since I still work with my affair partner,
I can’t completely maintain no contact with him.”
This is a common problem, and it is a complicated one that will take an extra effort on your part to get through.
I’ve heard some women say they refuse to give up their career that they’ve worked so hard for-
just because their husband wants them to quit- since she works with her AP.
But is that a heart that’s humbly willing to do whatever it takes to be a ‘safe place’
for her betrayed husband or showing empathy for his pain?
A career can take years to advance- so I understand that it’s not easy to just quit a job,
especially if your family needs the income.
But it’s a matter of the heart.
Are you seeing this situation through your betrayed spouse’s eyes of pain?
What would you feel if they had the affair with a coworker?
Looking for other jobs is the first step to getting free of an affair if it was with a coworker.
Yes, it’s an uncomfortable consequence of having an affair. Or perhaps your AP will leave that place of employment.
(At the very least- you’ll have to set firm boundaries of not speaking to him unless it’s absolutely necessary
to talk about a work subject- no personal conversations at all.
That can get difficult and exhausting and you’ll probably find it best to find another job).
But I do believe God will bless your serious efforts to cut this affair off,
even if it means needing to find another job.
I’ve had women talk about the wonderful job they loved but had to leave-because of their AP,
but ultimately found an even better job than what they had.
Nothing is impossible with God.
4. “We have so many common friends on Facebook” or
“He’s a friend or relative of the family, it’ll be obvious to others if I block him.”
I’ve heard some women say these things, that it will be obvious to others if you unfriend your AP-
or what if his wife asks why you’re not friends on FB anymore?
Seriously, most people aren’t thinking about you and who your FB friends are, as much as we think they are.
They likely won’t notice you unfriended or blocked this person, and even if they did…
it’s not uncommon for someone to need to simplify their friend list.
If you’re reading this and have Facebook (or any social media platform), the odds of you living in a free country are great.
So,you can friend or unfriend anyone you care to without needing to give explanations of why.
In the end, what’s more important to you- your integrity, your marriage and family, and your obedience to God’s will or what others will think of you?
5. “I’ll block him soon. I just need time to tell him in person that it’s over;
to let him down gently.”
This is like the diet that we’re going to start tomorrow- but tomorrow gets pushed to next week or next month
or after that birthday or holiday.
There will always be a reason why it’s not the ‘right time’ when we have to do hard things.
The difference with an affair is that every day you delay ending it-
those chords of sin just wrap tighter and tighter around you and it becomes increasingly hard to break free.
The bottom line is- everyday you delay is a day in adultery is a day you lose more of your integrity and soul.
Every day you talk to him, even while trying to “just stay friends”- is another day you’re lying to yourself, your husband and God.
Frankly, it’s the same self-deceptive behavior that got you into that mess.
There’s no true closure in affairs.
There’s never going to be a “letting someone down gently”
because it was wrong from the start and everyone always gets burned with adultery.
Also, ending an affair in person is a dangerous thing to do.
The temptation is usually too strong to just say the words and leave.
It’s too easy to get sucked back into “one more day together” etc.
So I always recommend ending it firmly by an email or text, if you must make it official before blocking him.
You can read my post on how to end it the right way here-
with a sample break up letter I give you in this post..
6. “I lost those passionate feelings for my spouse, so I can’t end it with the other man-
or in case my marriage fails I’ll be alone.”
First, You’ll never know if your marriage can be better as long as you’re still in the affair.
Your heart is divided and is not all in for making your marriage work.
Time away from the affair partner is the only way to gain full clarity of mind and heart
and to start seeing the truth of what is right for your life.
Second, a failed marriage might indeed be your reality.
Or, you might not even know if you want to stay in your marriage.
The highs you experienced during the affair might be messing with your thoughts &
promising more happiness with the other man.
But listen, whether you believe in God or not, there’s a universal truth you must know.
You and I will not find true peace and joy by obtaining something that never belonged to us in the first place.
If you (or your AP) are married, then it’s adultery.
Adultery is always wrong. Period.
God can not bless something He’s already said was sin.
It’s not because He is a buzz kill or doesn’t want you to be happy.
On the contrary, it’s because He loves you that He tells you to run from adultery.
God knows adultery is destructive to marriages, hurtful to children, harms your own peace and soul,
and will separate you from a relationship with Him.
So, whether your marriage survives this or not, the affair has to end.
I believe there is hope for many marriages to find restoration and love again after infidelity–
but even if that’s not your story, jumping from a divorce into another relationship is not a wise idea-
especially when it started as an affair.
(The statistics are very dismal for the likelihood of marriages to survive that started as affair partners).
7. “My affair partner is a good person, and I have nothing bad to say about him,
he brings out the best in me.”
Great, but whether he’s a good person, or a narcissist, is besides the point.
Affairs are destructive for everyone involved, so no matter how you feel,
both parties in an affair are actually using each other for their own gain and ego.
By keeping the thought alive that ‘he is such a great person’,
or that you would have been better for each other if you’d met at another time-
you’re actually stoking the flame for him inside you.
I’m not suggesting you think hateful thoughts about the AP either,
but acknowledge that what you see and know about this person is limited
(in the context of a long term marriage and within real family life).
I’d also challenge the idea that he brought out the best in you.
Just the very definition of infidelity is to lie to one’s spouse and disregard the vows one once took for temporary reasons of pleasure.
To participate, one has to betray their own morals and integrity to help justify why it’s okay to be doing what they’re doing.
That does not happen without consequence to one’s own thoughts and emotions,spiritual life and their family.
Adultery is not looking out for the best interest of the other person- it’s actually selfish at its core,
and we are co-participants in helping each other lie and coveting something that is not theirs.
I’d also suggest that whatever ‘best’ you might think the other person brought out in you
was actually there within you all along, but you never saw it.
8. “I will never get over my affair partner.
He’s my soulmate and the only one that makes me happy.”
Are you repeating words like this to yourself?
The words we tell ourselves are powerful and could be the reason you’re staying stuck.
I can tell you- that most affair partners are not soulmates-
even though your feelings are telling you something completely different right now.
An affair starts with a strategically placed person, at this specific vulnerable time in your life,
to lead you off the narrow road into destruction.
One of the things I did wrong was constantly doubting that I could ever end it and get free.
I kept speaking words like “I’ll never be able to let go or live without this person…”
But it wasn’t the truth.
Every time I repeated words like this to myself, it made all my progress ineffective.
So God showed me I had to stop that self-talk.
I lived just fine without him for 38 years before, and you know what?
I’m much happier now than I ever was during that terrible season that I was in the affair.
(that goes for shaming and guilt ridden thoughts of self-loathing you’re telling yourself too).
I realize now I stayed stuck for so long because I was double-minded and I expected God to just take the desire from me-
while I kept repeating lies that were keeping me bound.
Once I started speaking the truth of God’s word and learned more about God’s unfailing love for me,
I didn’t want anything in my life that would grieve him.
9. “I can’t get him out of my thoughts and wondering what if?”
This is a common one and it plagues many people after ending their affair-
the obsessive thoughts and triggers that, if indulged, will eventually lead you to relapse.
It’s never easy changing our thoughts when we’ve been so accustomed to letting them rule our minds.
But learning this skill- like thought stopping or thought switching- is an extremely important part of not ever resuming the affair.
Keeping the door of the affair closed starts with not allowing the fantasy to continue in your mind.
Your thoughts lead to your emotions which influence your actions- this is a big part in the results you have in your life.
Although there are many other reasons you’re telling yourself for why you haven’t ended the affair yet,
or why you keep breaking “no contact” after ending it or why you haven’t completely blocked your AP yet…
all those ‘reasons’ are just excuses that are keeping you stuck in the entangled mess you’re in.
The most important hard truth I can give you is to stop making excuses that are leading you right back to him.
If you’ve not yet blocked him on social media and on your phone,
and done everything you can to end this connection to him-
then you’re leaving the door wide open for him to be able to contact you again whenever he wants to;
thereby giving up all your power and control over your recovery- to him.
Understand if you’re still in the affair, or it just recently ended,
you’re probably still feeling the results of that affair fog.
It’s real and it’s because of the deception from the fantasy that we believed was real about the affair.
That takes time to lift.
But you can’t do it alone.
Have you asked God for His help in this?
Do you know He wants you to come to Him so He can forgive you and set you free?
Are you ready to do whatever He asks you to do to get free of it?
..To fully stop the affair and all contact with the AP?
Call on His Spirit to help you hate the sin of adultery.
God loves you and wants to set you free from the trap of this affair.
But you must be honest with Him.
If you don’t hate this thing yet, then ask Him to help you see this through His eyes- ask Him to help you hate it.
Ask God to see this as He does & through the eyes of eternity-
this life is such a blip on the screen of eternity, and what we will ultimately give an account for.
Isn’t it time to start walking in integrity, stop the daily lies and hiding secrets?
Whether your marriage survives this or not, you are better than being someone’s mistress and continuing in the sin of adultery.
It will never end well for you- even though it promised you so much.
I guarantee you, this isn’t the path you want to continue on.
But the longer you’re on it, the harder it will be to get free.
Whatever. It. Takes.
No more excuses. No more whining about how much you’ll miss him.
Of course those feelings of withdrawal will come and it’ll be hard for a few weeks,
but remind yourself of the bigger picture here.
You’re not going to be that woman anymore.
Change is hard.
But this is the kind of change God can bless and honors.
You have all of heaven cheering you on to make the right choices now.
If you haven’t crossed that line into adultery yet, but worried that you’re in a inappropriate ‘friendship’– then it probably is.
Run from that too before it turns into something worse.
God can restore you. He can heal your soul, and even redeem your marriage if you’re both willing.
Read our marriage story here.
But it starts with you today– making the decision to take back your life.
Are you really ready to get your life back?
If you’re ready but don’t know where to start and would like more help this time-
consider my private online course “HOW TO END YOUR AFFAIR & RECLAIM YOUR LIFE.”
Here are some verses to reflect on and fill your mind with instead:
“If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall.” 1 Corinthians 10:12
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.
But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:12-13
“Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.” 1 Corinthian 6:18
“You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons too; you cannot have a part in both the Lord’s table and the table of demons.” 1 Corinthians 10:21
They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.
Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.
That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus.
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;
to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:17-24