Part 1: What affair fog is not.
Part 1 in a 5 part series
As you likely know, Affair Fog is not an actual fog someone is in.
It’s not a medical condition or something that’s easily diagnosed with a test to see if you have it.
It’s more a state of mind someone’s in, while they’re actively acting out in an affair.
The fog in my backyard.
I woke up yesterday morning to a thick blanket of fog hanging eerily in the sky.
This is a picture of our backyard that I took.
We back to open space, where we normally can see for many miles.
But yesterday, we could barely see 1/8 of a mile behind us.
I actually love when the fog rolls in, here in Colorado.
There’s something mystical , almost beautiful, about it.
Yet, there’s nothing beautiful about affairs; affair fog in particular.
I’ve been wanting to write this post for awhile.
In this 6 part series, over the next few weeks, I’m going to address:
1. What affair fog is not. Is it a real thing, or an excuse? (This post)
2. What really IS affair fog? Understanding the signs.
3. Can you get your spouse out of affair fog? What to do if you’re the betrayed spouse.
4. Affair Fog Timeline
5. Is it Affair Fog or real love? How to discern the difference, if you’re the Wayward spouse.
But first, so we all understand what I’m talking about, let’s define briefly what “Affair Fog” is.
(I’ll go into more detail in the next post in this series, “Part 2: What affair fog really is, along with the symptoms”.
But I want to briefly define it here first, so we’re clear on what it is we’re talking about.)
“Affair fog is a term many affair and marriage experts use to describe the state of mind a wayward spouse is in while they’re acting out in their affair.
It typically manifests itself in their behaviors, words, and even appearances, which all become very uncharacteristic for them.
These changes in them become so different, it can seem like they’ve morphed into somebody else completely.
Usually, their new affair relationship has superseded (in terms of fulfillment and connection)
anything they remember having in their marriage, or within themselves while married.
The more time they spend with their affair partner, only reinforces this wonderful euphoric experience, in their mind.
This affair fog is an altered state of their own reality.
It’s the classic ‘first stage of an affair’ which is often described as “limerence- the first stage of euphoric love”.
To clarify what affair fog is, we need to first talk about, what affair fog is not.
It’s a question I get asked often by my readers, and I also bring it up quite a bit in my own writings.
It seems there’s some misunderstanding out there, in what we mean by affair fog. So bear with me, if you understand what affair fog is already.
There’s some misinformation, and antagonist view points regarding anything to do with cheaters, including affair fog.
So let’s talk more of what it isn’t.
I recently read on a (fairly high ranking in google) infidelity site; they just don’t believe in this ‘affair fog’ thing.
They likened it to people trying to make an excuse for their affair, or believing that those in affair fog were trying to say it was just a mental problem.
These naysayers thought wayward spouses were trying to say they weren’t at fault for anything they did, while in this foggy state of mind, during their affair.
Another site said they “don’t believe in an affair fog that absolves cheaters from moral culpability.”
Well, I agree with them… sort of.
When we say ‘they’re in affair fog’, it’s not to find an easy way to excuse the behavior of a wayward spouse.
It doesn’t at all mean ‘they just couldn’t help what they were doing, by getting into the affair, because they got enveloped in affair fog’.
The real experts in affair recovery, and marriage counseling, all believe there is some type of delusion
that many most unfaithful spouses seem to be under.
I agree, because I experienced it myself, along with many unfaithful wives I’ve spoken with.
Once the affair ended, we all can relate it was like we became like other people, while we were acting out in the affair.
It’s like we were walking around like zombies with foggy thinking, and beliefs, while in the new adulterous relationship.
Are we trying to absolve ourselves, or other cheaters, from their moral responsibility?
Are we giving all wayward spouses an excuse to blame something else, that they can hide behind?
I’m certainly not. But let me be clear on my stand.
I don’t know what those folks at some of these ‘anti-affair fog sites’ really mean when they express they don’t believe in it;
but anyone who has been affected by infidelity, either from a spouse or from themselves, will express that the person in the affair seemed to be in a daze (or fog).
They began acting so opposite of their usual personality.
A betrayed spouse may comment that they noticed something seriously changed in their unfaithful spouse. Even before they knew their spouse was cheating.
If you were the one who was unfaithful, and you’ve had enough time to reflect back on that time,
you’ll probably admit that you were doing, and saying, things you’d never thought you were capable of before your affair.
So, no, it’s not to feel sympathy for the ‘cheater’ or give them an excuse to not take responsibility for the pain their affair caused.
It’s simply to put a term to the extreme delusional changes in someone who’s in an affair.
“Deception and delusion often go hand in hand.”
I personally believe it’s a result of the deception someone’s under.
Believing first, and then acting upon, the lies the enemy of their soul told them.
The lies that said this adulterous relationship would be fun and satisfying.
You can’t act upon those lies without it seriously affecting your state of mind.
Deception and delusion often go hand in hand.
Many of us were duped into thinking our affair partner was so perfect for us, truly understood us and we’d only be happy with them.
We often couldn’t see ourselves living without them. So, yes that’s a lie, and deception at it’s best.
The haters are gonna hate, no matter what explanations are given.
I don’t know of any recovery experts that are saying it’s ‘because of a prior mental condition’, as the naysayers want to imply we’re saying.
It’s likely that no explanation or term given to anything the unfaithful do, will appease the anger that haters feel towards anyone who’s cheated on their spouse.
Some just want to hate, and nothing can change their mind.
Understandably, there’s no adequate reason enough to explain why someone cheated, but if there’s a term to explain their delusional state of mind
while in the affair, isn’t it fair to give it?
Affair Fog has nothing to do with excusing the affair because of a mental disorder.
But for the most part, affairs have nothing to do with a mental condition, and even if someone had a mental disorder,
that alone likely isn’t the cause of their affair.
If it were, than everyone with any type of mental condition, or disorder, would be having affairs.
That’s not to say that some people, who are unfaithful, don’t have a mental disorder.
There’s a lot of conditions a wayward spouse may have already had anyway (narcissism, personality or emotional disorder, PTSD from childhood or prior event).
But, so far there’s no evidence that people who have a mental or personality disorder have affairs, any more often than those who don’t.
What came first, the affair fog or the affair?
Let me give an example. If someone jumps in a heavily chlorinated swimming pool, when they get out of the pool what would their skin smell like?
Growing up in Arizona, I went swimming often; almost every day in the summer.
However, the one thing I didn’t like about swimming pools was that when I got out, I reeked of chlorine! (this was before salt water pools).
I had to take a shower just to wash the smell off of me.
Let’s use that analogy for affair fog.
Wouldn’t it be odd if I said I smelled like chlorine before I entered the pool?
That’s silly and backwards.
The chlorine smell came after I spent time swimming in the pool.
Just as we’re saying, we don’t blame Affair Fog for their affair before it happened; or, for leading them to have an affair.
No, they developed this delusional Affair Fog, AFTER they’d participated in the infidelity for awhile.
Affair fog is the result, after a period of time a person’s spent in the affair, while ‘swimming’ in it’s delusion.
They didn’t have the affair because of the affair fog first. It didn’t hit them over the head and ‘make them cheat’.
I hope that makes some sense.
It’s a terrible example, but hopefully you see my point.
Finally, to review on this first part series of what affair fog is not.
1. Affair fog is not because of a mental problem, personality disorder or emotional problem.
Someone may have those issues, but we can’t blame their affair on that; otherwise, there’d be a lot more wayward spouses.
2. It’s not an excuse for an affair. It’s not like a free ‘get out of jail card’, or a ‘the affair fog made me do it’ excuse.
Just like the pool only made my skin smell like chlorine after I went swimming, affair fog happens after someone’s been acting out in an affair.
3. Deception and delusion often go hand in hand. It’s hard to have one without the other, eventually.
Personally, I can say from firsthand experience looking back on my own terrible infidelity, how I was very much in a fog while in the affair.
I started acting, thinking, and behaving, in such an uncharacteristic way than my normal self.
I may not have wanted to admit it, but I remember sometimes wondering who I really was.
I’d get convicted and felt like I was changing dramatically; but by then I was so entangled in the web of the affair, it was hard to think clearly.
That’s how I know and believe firsthand, in affair fog.
RELATED: You might like this post too: the 4 stages of an affair
If you’re the wayward spouse, and you know you’ve been caught in affair fog but want out of it now.
Download my “No Contact” Checklist today for free.
I give you the 9 steps to check off to make sure you haven’t left any open doors to resume contact.
Of course, your heart has to be done with all the drama of the affair too, but this checklist is a great place to start. You can do this!!