How Kayla changed her mindset to heal her marriage after ending her affair.
Guest post- infidelity recovery success stories.
Kayla’s story:
I met my husband in 2009 and we started dating in 2010.
I have always struggled with alcohol which created less than ideal situations and horrible choices on my part.
We moved to my hometown and then got married in 2012.
He withdrew himself emotionally, he missed his home and friends.
I had my first A in 2013, a few weeks of messaging that lead to a one night PA with someone I grew up with.
I didn’t tell my husband, I felt terrible.
My affair partners (AP) wife sent my H a message that he didn’t see until after our son was born.
I told him it was a lie I was never unfaithful.
Our Marriage continued on as normal.
We lacked passion, we didn’t spend any time together.
In 2019 I met a close girlfriend in our home community for a girls night where I first met my AP.
We exchanged numbers, and talked all day everyday, we were physical many times.
In order to see him I had to travel 40 minutes to a different community. And I did, every weekend.
My husband knew something was up. He asked and I told him I wasn’t happy,
I told him all the reasons I didn’t want to be with him anymore.
He was completely blindsided and immediately changed and started fighting for me.
But I wasn’t interested, I was consumed by the messages, the love bombs, the phone calls of my AP.
The more my husband tried the more annoyed I became with him.
Until he asked me if there was someone else, I couldn’t lie.
He still fought for me, I watched the pain in his eyes every time I left the house to meet AP, him knowing where I was going.
One day he couldn’t take it anymore and he was done.
That made me snap out of it, I quit drinking.
I said I needed to go say goodbye to AP, that is one of my biggest regrets.
Husband told me to go, but I know it killed him.
The ups and downs after d-day were intense, I didn’t tell the whole truth the first time,
I was afraid to hurt him but slowly leaking the truth over time just made it worse. Way worse.
Then he felt he couldn’t believe me, I was always lying.
That doesn’t build trust.
He told me he wanted a divorce and moved to the basement. I still fought for him,
I cried, I begged. He didn’t want to hear it.
As time passed things got a little better and it would seem like things were okay;
then he would be triggered and the questions would start again,
along with the name calling and the uncertainty.
He couldn’t stay with me.
He would stay in these triggered episodes for about a week.
The hardest days of my life.
It went on like this for a little over a year, the highs and lows, great days followed by horrible awful days.
To get through the hard days I would read anything I could that I thought would help,
I would journal, and I would get closer to God.
I started waking up, putting on makeup and nice clothes, and tried to create a positive atmosphere for my family.
No matter what.
I gave my H space when he needed, and loved him from afar.
I avoided anything that might trigger him.
If I was worried about what our future looked like I wouldn’t ask, that would cause a trigger.
I took it day by day, hour by hour.
I took care of him, laundry, lunches, whatever he needed. No matter how he treated me.
I wouldn’t get defensive or irritated by his questions or pain.
I followed his lead, I let him heal how he needed to heal,
while working on healing myself and working on being a better mother, a better wife and a better person.
The grass is not greener on the other side.
Your AP is not better than your husband.
The affair fog tells you otherwise.
Change your mindset.
If you have a longing feeling for your AP, stop yourself, and think of one thing you like about your H.
When you are having negative thoughts or feelings about H, think of something positive about him.
My husband is an amazing father, he’s smart and he’s a great leader at work (it doesn’t have to be related to marriage).
Don’t dwell on the things H doesn’t do for you or your marriage, what DOES he do?
I also focused on what I can do for our marriage.
We did not do Marriage Counseling, and my husband did not do Individual Counseling.
I did not expect him to put any work into healing us.
By changing the way I think, the way I viewed him and our Marriage, we restored our Marriage,
we built a better and stronger marriage.
When I changed me to be better, & do better, he began to change for the better as well.
I recommend reading affair recovery books, as well as looking into Mort Fertel’s program and the book Feeling Good.
