8 ideas to help your feelings return for your spouse.
I’m here to tell you, Yes! they definitely can!
Plus the paradox of marital restoration after an affair
is that your marriage can be even stronger than it was before.
Are you wondering how that’s possible,
when right now you’re not sure they’ll ever return?
Be sure to also read:
Part 1: “When your feelings for your spouse haven’t returned yet after infidelity.”
>Part 2: “How to fall in love with your spouse again after infidelity.”
Here’s 8 tips to help love grow for your spouse again:
1. All contact with an affair partner
needs to end completely.
This is for the unfaithful spouse…
I know this is obvious, but it needs to still be stated.
Your marriage will never stand a chance as long as there’s any contact with the AP at all.
Nothing. Nada. Ziltch.
Also, be sure there’s no open doors that they can resume contact with you either.
That means having him blocked on your phone,social media, emails etc…
You can read my post on No Contact Here.
2. Be patient, and don’t rely on just your feelings
as a barometer of your healing together.
This goes back to last weeks email, but it’s important
to be patient with the process.
Stay determined to get through this together, no matter how difficult the hard days get,
or the setbacks it seems you keep getting, because ups and down are part of recovery.
3. Spend time together during recovery.
This is critical for your healing for so many reasons.
But your love will grow where your focus and attention are.
Find a hobby or activity you can do together, it can even be as simple as a daily walk or card game.
It’s not so much what the activity is that you do, as long as you’re spending much more time
together. How will love for each other grow again unless you’re with that person often?
Remember the days when you first met, and how you wanted to spend so much time together.
It didn’t even matter back then what you did, as long as you were together.
That’s what I’m talking about doing again!
4. Seek a good marriage counselor.
Preferably one who specializes in infidelity recovery.
If you find one that’s not a good fit, keep looking.
It’s worth the effort-especially in the early months of recovery.
Read my post on 7 guidelines for a marriage counselor.
5. Practice daily forgiving your spouse.
Every spouse needs to do this, even more so after infidelity. I can guarantee you one thing in marriage-
There will always be something to forgive your spouse for.
Learning how to let things go will provide you a happier marriage.
Read this post on what forgiveness is not.
6. Limit affair conversations to 30 minutes a day.
This doesn’t mean don’t talk about it-because it’s important to discuss.
Just don’t let it consume all your conversation; or your feelings won’t have a chance to grow.
Set a timer if you have to, then go back to #1 on this list.
7. Protect and care for your marriage,
as though it were a delicate flower.
Marriage needs attention and nourishment to grow healthy, just like flowers do.
What helps nourish it?
Thinking of your him/her needs before your own.
Serving and helping out without being asked all the time.
Talking kindly-having a soft answer,
and not harshly, sarcastic or impatient.
This also includes setting strong hedges around your marriage so this doesn’t happen again.
Protect your marriage from naysayers and negative people that don’t believe your marriage can survive this.
Limit how much you tell others, or WHO you tell about the infidelity.
If it’s too late for that, then set boundaries with anyone you’ve told telling them
that you don’t want to hear negative things about your spouse.
8. Focus on things that will make
your spouse feel loved and appreciated.
But do it for the long term, not just to win them back.
Because, where you put your focus, is what is magnified.
Learning how they feel loved most by learning their love language.
Here’s my post on that in case you’ve missed it.
Know the top 10 emotional needs in marriage. They’re usually different for men and women,
here’s my post on that too, in case you haven’t read it yet.
If your marriage is not even at this point of cooperation with your spouse yet, then don’t despair.
Do what you can to care for yourself and love them in spite of their actions
and win them back with your decision to love them.
I know this is easier said then done,
but as much as it depends upon you,
fight for your marriage.
The whole process of healing
your marriage after infidelity
takes time and much patience as you work
at reconnecting again, restoring trust and healing from the pain of the betrayal.
Give it time and don’t be too hard on yourselves or despair when the feelings haven’t returned yet.
Sometimes we have to “act as if” first, and do that consistently,
for your feelings to catch up to your decision
to stay and work on the marriage.
Still undecided about staying or going? We were there too, so I wrote this post
about that and how we finally decided to stay and make it work.