HOW DO YOU GET OVER YOUR PAST (AND PAST YOUR MARRIAGE PROBLEMS)
If you’re having marital trouble, the chances are good that you need to put some hurt behind you.
It’s one of the most common questions couples ask. “ I want to make my marriage work. But how do I get over the past?”
Here’s the key.
The first step is to realize what you’re REALLY trying to accomplish.
What does it REALLY mean to get over the past?
You can’t change what happened.
There’s no time machine that can send you back to relive the past. What’s done is done.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that your situation is hopeless.
What I’m saying is that you first have to be clear about what you can and cannot change.
You CAN get over your past (as I’ll explain). But you can NOT change events that already occurred.
The good news though is that you don’t have to change the past in order to get over it.
What you have to change is the MEANING of the past.
Think for a moment.
Was there ever a time in your life when something horrible happened and you thought, “Why is this happening to me?”
But then a few years later you looked back and you answered that question. In retrospect, you understood why it happened.
At first, it seemed like the world was caving in. Later, it wasn’t so bad.
In fact, very often, we eventually realize that bad times are part of a process that leads to something good!
It’s the events that FOLLOW bad times that determine the ultimate meaning of those times.
In other words, it’s your future that determines your past; not the other way around.
It’s interesting to think about this in the context of an age-old question:
Do we have free choice or is everything predetermined? The answer is YES. Everything is predetermined AND we have free choice.
It’s like when you play a card game. You get dealt a hand. And you have no control over the cards you get dealt. It’s predetermined.
But you also get to play that hand. You also have free choice.
Ultimately, it’s the COMBINATION of the hand you’re dealt and the way you play it that determines the outcome.
And it’s the outcome that shapes your view of the original hand you were dealt.
So how do you get over the past? You don’t have to get over the past. The past is over!
What’s important is the MEANING the past has for you NOW. And the MEANING of your past is determined by your actions in the future.
The people I know who have the best marriages are people who went through hell in their relationship.
They “got over” their past because they used it as a catalyst to IMPROVE their situation.
In other words, the painful events inspired them to change themselves and their marriage. And many people I know began this process WITHOUT their spouse.
If you make the right moves, you will come to view certain events as birth pains that led to a new AND IMPROVED marriage.
THAT’S how you “get over” the past.
It’s strange how life works sometimes, but if you play your hand right, your hurts become part of your healing.
And, in fact, when it comes to relationships, it’s usually bad times that awaken people to search for new ways.
I know you’re hurting. But if you’ll allow me to show you how to rebuild your marriage, show you new ways, your hurt will heal. I can’t make the past go away.
But I can help you give it a new meaning.
Then, you’ll be “over it.”
And you’ll have a GOOD answer to the question: Why did this happen to me?
Article written by, Mort Fertel
If you’d like further information to help with your marriage,
I recommend getting Mort Fertel’s FREE breakthrough report “7 Secrets to a Stronger Marriage” and get a FREE marriage assessment too.
He’s the author of The Marriage Fitness program, which I highly recommend- you can click the banner below and read more about it.
To subscribe, CLICK HERE. It’s FREE.
The reason I love Marriage Fitness program so much is the approach Mort Fertel takes.
Instead of rehashing all the terrible things in the past, and talking excessively about the communication issues and what went wrong etc…
his approach is more like a Relationship Coach takes. It’s deciding to reconnect and find the love in your marriage
from here on and once that happens, working out the communication problems or why an affair occurred will
be much easier to resolve.
It’s truly a refreshing change to traditional counseling.
I’ve heard all too often how much marriage counseling hurt a couple-and that includes
my husband and I! Most marriage counselors aren’t equipped to deal with the complex issues
and disconnect after infidelity and their advice usually makes things worse.
I’ve heard of one counselor who told a betrayed spouse to keep thinking about the affair until
you get so tired of it you won’t want to anymore!
That’s just Crazy!
Other counselors can’t hide their bias about seeing no hope in the marriage reconciling and
some actually ask why the betrayed didn’t give up and divorce by now!
3 of our marriage counselors were no better and one got very upset with us when we
didn’t agree with her method of wanting to divide us and wanting us to separate without contacting
each other at all. It was as if she was mad at us for trying to make our marriage work!
Now I’m not saying all counselors are bad.. Not at all.
I ended up finding a wonderful counselor, just for myself and she helped me sort through
my mixed up emotions and I’ll always be grateful to her. Thanks Jondra!
My husband also ended up finding a good one for himself, and I’m thankful he wasn’t too proud
to go to one. She helped him see things he didn’t see and how to get back on track.
But marriage counseling after an affair is tricky.
I suggest finding an expert that specializes in affair recovery.
But if that’s not an option, then seriously look into the marriage max- otherwise known as Marriage Fitness program.
You can choose the Lone Ranger Program if you’re trying to heal your marriage alone- there’s still hope and I love his
suggestions for how to win back your spouse!
Or do the program together as a couple in the privacy of your home.
Disclosure: All the reviews here are my own opinions.
But some of the links on this page are affiliate links, meaning
at no additional cost to you- I earn a small commission if you click through
and make a purchase.