Marriage Rebuilding Ideas
Maybe you’re thinking your marriage is beyond repair. That’s a common feeling, after a spouse has been unfaithful.
And I can’t promise it will survive.
But I do believe it is possible and the rewards are worth all the hard work.
My marriage survived my affair. Are you both willing to try to save yours?
Can marriages really survive infidelity?
My husband and I are living testimonies of it. After my affair, it didn’t look to promising.
Divorce seemed imminent, even though we both didn’t want that.
Once the affair fog finally lifted from me, I was able to see clearly what was happening.
I didn’t want to lose my marriage and the man I’d loved since I was 17!
I was afraid I’d waited too long to turn around, that I told too many lies and the damage was beyond repair.
But it wasn’t. By God’s grace, a lot of trial and error on our part of what worked and what didn’t, we made it.
Throw in a miracle or 2 also just for the fact we actually love each other more now than before the affair.
Sounds crazy right? You can read our marriage story here.
But right now I want to talk about YOU and YOUR MARRIAGE. I want to show you a few of the techniques and mindsets we used, and the steps we took to eventually recover.
Whether you are the betrayed husband looking for hope that your wife will turn her heart to you again, or the wife who strayed. Your marriage can be saved.
Yes, it takes both of you ultimately. But I also believe, if you are the betrayed partner, there is a lot you can do to win back your spouse. It may not be quick, or easy, but the reality is you already did it once.
Marriage Rebuilding ideas after infidelity, if you’re the betrayed husband:
1. Go back to the beginning.
Your wife married you because you met her most important needs. You loved her, and romanced her and won her heart.
Remember the flowers, romantic dinners and love notes? Yes, way back there in the beginning.
But somewhere along the way life kicked in and maybe those things didn’t seem as important anymore.
Nobody faults you bud, it happens to all of us. But there is still hope that you can win her back again.
2. In reality, he’s got nothing on you.
And I do mean reality. All this other guy has going for him is the ability to show her affection, emotional connection and love without all the distractions of real life.
Is he taking care of the kids, taking them to school or picking them up?
Or, Is he managing the bills of your household with her? Is she getting frustrated with him for socks on
the floor or not cleaning up the kitchen? Not likely.
So it’s easy for him. That’s the truth. I know because I lived it.
Throw him into your wife’s REAL world, with REAL world responsibilities and problems, and he probably wouldn’t stand much chance at keeping her happy.
She just doesn’t see that while she’s still in the middle of the affair.
But you have memories and time with her on your side. Sure you may have forgotten to do those little things that she needed but all is not lost as long as you have hope. And patience.
So let’s up your game and bring back that affection and love the way she feels loved. what’s her love language?
(If you don’t know what I’m talking about, get Gary Smalley’s book: “The 5 Love Languages” It’s eye opening and really helped us).
Sure it may be hard to express any love for her right now. And you don’t want to rush it during this critical time. Just do little things without overwhelming her.
Do the laundry, clean up your clothes on the floor, bring her a flower. Maybe write her a note saying why you fell in love with her. Greet her with some dinner after she gets home from work. You get the idea.
By the way, this all applies to you whether your wife is still in the affair or has ended it and wants to reconcile with you.
For some more posts written with you in mind, check out these: 5 things NOT to do after finding out about your wife’s affair.
1. Time for you to go back to the beginning too.
I just gave the same advice to the men; possibly even your husband if he’s reading this.
But the advice goes both ways. Why do we usually expect the men to woo and romance us?
Then when life takes over and they forget to do those little things we loved, we get upset with them.
Sure, men don’t always get it when it comes to romancing us.
But hey, we women could do a little better in the respecting them department, don’t you think?
When we talk trash about them to our friends or family, how is that building up the marriage?
Plus, guys may not admit it, but they really do like some of that romance stuff too.
Maybe leave him a note on his pillow. Pick up his favorite candy and hide it somewhere for him. Stuff like that.
Read this post together on discovering the most important emotional needs a husband and wife each have.
You may be saying “hey, Debbie, I don’t even know if I WANT to stay married to that man.” Okay, I get that.
You’re still at that point of indecision.
But like I told the men (read above:), our affair partners only seemed so perfect because they weren’t in our reality world.
It was a fantasy world mostly.
Void of any real life problems or responsibilities (except the problems that the affair itself has caused, but I’m not talking about those kind).
You might like this post “would your affair partner make a good husband?”
If you’re still unsure about staying with him, and working on your marriage, all I’d ask is this:
A. Think about it objectively. Isn’t it easy for a guy to look great and wonderful when he doesn’t have to be involved in our real life mundane stuff?
Take away worries about bills, cleaning, kids, and family and geez…all he has to think about is winning you over.
B. Don’t you think your marriage is worth trying a little longer for, without the distraction of your affair partner?
If you have kids, how much more should you give your marriage a try? |
Don’t deceive yourself into thinking they’ll just be fine. Kids feel the pain of a split up household forever.
Plus, if your husband really wants to forgive you and make it work…you have a gift.
That’s a gift that I took for granted at the time and almost squashed it.
C. If you’re at the point now where you broke it off with your affair partner for good,
then commit to doing whatever is necessary to earn your husband’s trust again. You can help him heal more than anyone.
Sure, it might feel annoying at times to keep accountable to him for your whereabouts.
You may feel like a child while you show him your email passwords and cell phone.
I didn’t like it at first either.
But then I remembered, I caused this. If I didn’t give him a reason to not trust me, he would still trust me.
“What can I do to win his trust back?” became my goal. It all eventually paid off.
8 Love Bank Principles every married couple should know.
How knowing your spouse’s love language will help your marriage heal after infidelity.
Also, how to help your husband heal, has great ideas too.
So, in a nutshell, that is the beginning mindset and steps you’ll need for Marriage Rebuilding Ideas.
Was there one part that really spoke to you? Or anything from this list you’re finding too difficult? Drop me an email, I’d love to hear from you: [email protected]
For more in depth ideas and practical steps to take, subscribe and get my e-book “19 steps to take to restore your marriage after infidelity”