How our marriage survived my affair.
Our marriage story.
Hi, I’m Debbie. I’m so glad you’re here. I hope our marriage story will give you some hope that reconciling after an affair is possible.
My husband Jim and I met when I was sixteen living in Arizona, and he was still in the Navy.
We immediately hit it off and developed a long distance friendship.
There were a lot of letters written! (we didn’t have email, skype of facetime then).
We got married
He moved to Arizona after getting out of the Navy.
We were incredibly in love and people envied our closeness.
We knew God had brought us together.
I, mistakenly, thought we were untouchable,
and that an affair would never happen to a couple so in love like us.
So Jim and I got engaged and married a few years later ( I was 19).
Our 3 boys were born
Three years later our oldest son was born, then by 1999 we had all our three boys.
We had a happy little family and our marriage was good. But I also felt empty inside.
Life had settled into a routine, I became depressed, and I began to lose myself over the years. (It may sound like an excuse, but it’s the best way I can explain it).
I know many of you Mom’s and Wives will understand the demand for our attention and the needs around us everyday.
If we don’t have self-care and remember to do those things that made us who we are, we risk turning to SOMETHING to fill that emptiness.
(Too often that ‘something’ will not be a healthy choice). I didn’t recognize how desperate and in danger I was, of compromising my core beliefs.
In 2007, I went through a series of events that led my heart and mind down a rough path.
Little resentments not spoken about and stuffed, moving too often, and letting life drift us apart as a couple all contributed to the affair.
I tried to self medicate my depression and emptiness away, as I let my relationship with God drift away as well.
I wanted more than I was experiencing, and turned to the wrong things to fill that emptiness inside.
Which led me to a vulnerable time in my life and in our marriage.
That’s when I learned how common it is to trade one type of addiction for another.
I got involved with another man and made the biggest mistake of my life.
“I didn’t think this could ever happen to us in our marriage.
We had been happy for so long before. We loved each other.” That’s all I kept saying to myself.
I was blindsided and ashamed by my
own actions of unfaithfulness.
The pull of the affair was more than I understood at the time, or could handle, on my own.
Unfortunately, it went on for almost a year, off and on. When sin gets a hold of you, it won’t let go easily.
Most people don’t understand that, when they play around with the idea of flirting with the opposite sex,
and then getting into an affair.
It was only when I was truly and completely tired of the direction my life was going, that I was willing to surrender it all to God.
It took a while, but I had to let The Lord heal my shame, and heal our marriage.
I became willing to do whatever it took to save my marriage and heal the pain.
This site is our true story of what I had to do individually, and what we did together, to get over the affair and how we rebuilt our
marriage after infidelity. We finally made the decision to burn the ships and not give up on our marriage. You can read that story here.
We learned a lot along the way, and I want to share those things with you.
The links below describe in more detail what we each did to restore our relationship:
How I began to figure out and do what would help Jim to heal faster.
I talk about what he did that actually made things worse for his own healing in the beginning, to help the betrayed husbands reading this to learn from.
I also share what my husband did that helped him heal, and how he learned to take care of himself finally.
And what we did as a couple to restore trust and our marriage.
I can tell you honestly, my husband Jim and I are happier now in our marriage (31 years in 2019)
than we have ever been before.
(That’s not to say we’re perfect on some high pedestal or anything, but we are so much closer than even before the affair).
It was not easy.
It took a lot of time to slowly rebuild the trust.
But we made it, and we look at each other almost daily now and say ‘we are so glad we are still together.’
We are grandparents now. And we get to grandparent together!
If you want to restore your marriage after an affair,
there will be blessings in store for you.
But it takes hard work and persistence, and lots of humility for both of you.
There is a God who can redeem even the worst of situations.
Yet, please hear me dear one, even if your marriage does not make it through this, there is still hope and restoration for you as a child of God.
God loves you and wants to heal every part of you that is broken and hurting.
We, as the unfaithful ones, need that healing too, even though many people are just angry at the ‘adulterer’.
But God is not angry with you. He does tell us to turn from our sin, to let it go and turn to Him instead.
And I believe when we really do that, we will find a healing and peace that comes from communion with Jesus that we can’t find any other way.
What if you both don’t know if you feel like making your marriage work?
I’d say what helped both of us was first making the decision to commit to the marriage again. He didn’t know if staying was going to work out, because I lost his trust.
But once we both committed to the marriage, and I broke off all contact with the affair partner, we ‘burned the ships’ as I explained above.
No turning back. We both had to stop listening to our feelings, and stick to our decision even when there were hard days.
“Sometimes our feelings just need to catch up to our decision. And they eventually will.”
I don’t have all the answers, but if you take the time to read the articles, be humble and willing to change,
see a good counselor and pray for God to help you heal.
I believe you can come through this better than before.
It takes time.
But time is going to pass anyway, you might as well do whatever it takes during this time to get your life back where you want it to be.
If you haven’t already, read the posts under to the unfaithful wife, where I have posts on different stages of affairs and recovery.
Also, if you’re the wayward wife, subscribe to download my free magazine “Breaking Free”.
Are you a husband trying to get answers after finding out about your wife’s affair? Go to this link and read the posts specifically written for you.