“Breaking up with your affair partner” series.
Part 1: 11 lies that sabotage your affair break up.
>Part 2:Proven advice for breaking up with affair partner.
Part 3: Sample good-bye letter to affair partner.
Part 4: 6 simple reasons staying friends after your affair is disastrous
Part 5: What No Contact With Affair Partner Means.
I thought I was breaking up with my affair partner for good.
However painful it was, I knew I couldn’t continue living this double life.
The deep sorrow I had for betraying my husband, God, my kids and
myself by betraying my own core values was becoming a heavy burden I didn’t want to carry.
Yet, I ended up seeing my ex-affair partner over and over. It didn’t make sense to even me; why would I continue
resuming contact after I really was feeling miserable and shame?
I truly believe I tried every form of ending an affair possible at the time;
on the phone, in a text, with a friend, in an email, at the park, in a car,
at his place, in a note…. (this is beginning to sound like a distorted green eggs & ham book).
Seriously, I tried them all.
But I always ended up resuming contact again and again.
Until one day I didn’t.
This time, no matter how hard it got or how sad I felt, I stayed determined to keep
my commitment and not go back to the affair.
I knew I had to break the soul tie that kept me bound.
What was so different that last time, you ask?
There were many pieces to that puzzle-
from coming out of my affair fog, just getting tired of the shame and not living in my truth,
recognizing the attitudes and behaviors that were leading me to relapse into the affair,
identifying how my thoughts and words were keeping me stuck,
suddenly realizing my many limiting beliefs and that were working against my recovery success, and
seeing how much I’ve believed these 10 big lies that sabotaged my ability to break it off.
I got to the place of hating myself, and my life so much, that I became determined to not ever contact him again,
no matter how uncomfortable or bad I felt at first.
I know that was a mouthful…(or a paragraph full).
Your recovery work really starts after saying good-bye;
so even if you’ve already ended your affair,
but you want to learn how to change your mindset and overcome
the strong Limerence attraction and prevent relapse-
this is the course for you, to help you learn how to take back control of your life.
*If you’ve missed the deadline for class,
then be sure to put your name on my waiting list,
and you’ll be notified before the next class/group begins again!
But in this post I want to talk about the proven advice for breaking up with your affair partner.
Yes, I said proven.
Although, since we had some not very good marriage counselors,
(there’s some really good ones out there, so don’t give up until you find one-
specializing in infidelity, preferably).
nobody really gave me a clear plan on HOW to end my affair, so I eventually realized
I had to find concrete solutions to end it for good, or I’d likely lose my family soon.
So, I gathered every piece of advice I could from the experts.
This, along with my own analytical mind, went to work to figure this thing out of
how to stop going back to my affair partner for good.
So are you ready to truly get your life back?
There is a famous quote I love, that has different variations to it, that I refer to often:
“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing.
Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.”
This couldn’t be more true than for the one caught up in an affair.
There’s an invisible pull to go back to it, like an addict feels for their drug.
- But, if you’re the unfaithful wife (spouse), and you feel you’re really ready to end the affair,
but you want to know the right way to do that, this is the post for you.
Don’t forget to also read the first part in this series “10 Big Lies That Sabotage Your Break Up.”
- I know I have many betrayed husband’s that are regularly on this site and I think this post will also
help you know the right way for your wife to break up with the other man,
and the importance of your involvement in the process.
- Be aware of the lies your mind will tell you to prevent you from ending the affair.
Read this post on the 11 lies that sabotage you from breaking off your affair.
But I’ve written this post specifically for you, my fellow wayward woman.
The first step in breaking off an affair is knowing the wrong way,
and the RIGHT WAY to do it.
But let’s first be real, you can do all the following ‘things’ you’re supposed to do to end your affair, write the letter,
cut off contact, close accounts, block phone numbers etc…
But if you don’t really, really want this bad enough- nobody can make you adhere to any of it.
That’s just the facts and something to do some soul searching with yourself about.
Yet, here you are, and it’s a wonderful start. I know you can do this.
You ARE strong enough to take your life back and be the woman you want to be.
After coaching many women, and also experiencing all the things ‘not to do’
(remember my green eggs and ham paragraph in the beginning of this post?), I’ve come to a few conclusions:
There are 5 keys to breaking up with an affair partner
and the practical things to do when ending your affair.
1. Include your spouse and open to their input.
2. Be clear, direct and final.
3. Be sure you’ve closed all access points to the AP and vice versa.
4. Communicate clearly about future attempts.
5. Your best options for relaying the news.
Let’s break each one of these 5 keys in ending your affair the right way.
1. Include your husband in the process.
This gives them a some sense of witnessing that line being drawn in the sand with your AP, although he may be still skeptical.
But It also shows your husband that you really want to do whatever it takes to help him heal, and that you haven’t added
any secret alliances or promises that’s more possible if you broke it off alone.
It’s just a first step to rebuilding trust and connection, but it’s important to not try to do this by yourself.
2. Make a clear, direct and final break.
Many unfaithful’s try to sugar coat the break up and let their affair partner down easy.
This can be even more true for women who often feel deeply, and don’t want to appear mean or harsh.
But there’s no way around this.
The affair itself was harsh and destructive to you, your husband, your kids and your future.
There is no sugar coating when breaking up with an AP.
So, he needs to know clearly that this is a break-up and that you’re serious and want to work on yourself and your marriage.
3. Don’t give your affair partner false hope, or leave him hanging.
It’s actually a cruel thing to do, to give any semblance of subtle hints that you might be available in the future.
If you really believe you love your AP, you’ll do the right thing for him and not lead him on with false hope
that you’ll be resuming the affair.
Be clear to him that’s it’s permanent, and that you don’t want to hear from him or have any future contact.
4. Close off all access points.
By access points I mean- any way that he can reach you, as much as it depends upon what’s in your control.
That voice in your head will tell you it’s too extreme but trust me, I’ve counseled enough women, to know that
leaving just ONE door open, can send you into relapse of the affair again.
Or, another scenario is that one open access point allowed him to reach out (I call this fishing), and then you’ve
set yourself back in any healing ground you’ve gained. It happens quite often, so don’t trust yourself to be strong
enough later to turn him away. If you still left a door open for any contact to resume, you really need to ask yourself why?
Some examples of eliminating any possibility for contact is closing out email accounts he knows about.
Blocking him on your phone, social media accounts, changing jobs when able, changing churches or whatever is relevant to your situation.
5. Communicate clearly to him about any future attempts to contact you.
It’s important to let him know that any attempt to contact you in any way will be shared with your spouse.
That your spouse is aware of this, and your first priority is for your spouse and his healing,
so that he understands very clearly that he’ll be exposed if he tries to ‘go fishing’ by seeing if you’ll bite again.
(Although he may not believe you, and may try to lure you back in again. Which is why #4 is critical).
So, what are the options for delivering the news to your AP, that the affair is over?
Worst way: Meeting him in person, to break it off.
Too many affairs have resumed again by doing this one thing. Having a ‘one more time’ meeting to break up just binds you to this affair even more.
Even if you take your husband or a best friend, it’s still not the best option, just because of seeing him and the emotions involved with that.
I tried this once by taking a friend, it still was ugly and awkward and made it much, much harder after seeing his face.
Okay option: Breaking up with him via a phone call.
Breaking up with AP with a phone call is better than in person, but still not great. This is because you’ll hear his voice,
which opens up the possibility of eliciting a response from him, along with an unplanned conversation leading to more tugging at your heart.
BUT the only way it would work ,and why I even label it under “okay”,
is if your spouse is with you while you make the call, and your AP is on speaker phone.
Have a clear script you agree on with your husband of what you’ll say ahead of time is very important. Keep it short and direct.
Good option: Leave a text ending it, or other instant messaging.
Again, as long as your spouse helps you in writing it and with you when sending it. I know it’s frowned upon with normal break ups, but this isn’t a normal
break up. The relationship crossed the line and was inappropriate and you’ll need a way to clearly end it without being sucked back into the affair fog.
The big problem with this though, is you’ll have to immediately either block him on your phone to interrupt any reply.
Also, consider getting a new number if you’re concerned he’ll find another phone to contact you.
Best way: Write a ‘break-up letter’ and mail it to him.
Be sure to use the clear and direct language I just shared. Again, including your spouse in this process is important,
even as much as watching you put it in the mailbox is important. Yes, it’s humbling, and a bit annoying.
But remember why you’re here, and it’s part of our consequences…but it won’t always be like this.
As you see, there’s a lot of parts that goes into breaking up with an affair partner.
But it all comes down to this – how tired are you of the double life? How much pain are you really in?
“Are you willing to move through the pain of breaking off the affair,
in order to heal from the pain of being involved in the affair?”
The bottom line is YOU REALLY HAVE TO WANT IT BAD ENOUGH…
LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON NOT GOING BACK TO YOUR AFFAIR PARTNER.
Because in many ways, it does.
YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN THESE TOO:
If you’re interested in more posts for an unfaithful wife, click here.
(Also you can check out my drop down menu above).