A letter from me to you, as The Unfaithful Wife.
Dear friend, I’m so glad you made your way here.
Although I wish it were under better circumstances; and I’m guessing you do too.
Are you tired of feeling shame, confused, broken, stuck or alone?
Maybe you even feel a little bit of all of those things.
I see you, and I understand. I’ve been there myself.
You likely never thought you’d be in this place, clicking on a link labeled “Unfaithful Wife”,
and just the thought of it may send waves of shame over you, all over again.
I feel your shame, and your confusion, wondering how you ended up here.
But you’re more than just a label.
You’re more than just a woman who was unfaithful in her marriage.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not downplaying what you (and I) did,
and the painful devastation that choice has had on our husbands, our marriages, and families.
But I also know, it was just as damaging to your own soul, your spiritual life,
your walk with God, and likely your self-respect as it was to anyone else.
Many people don’t talk about that though.
- The shame and guilt many women experience, after having an affair, can be very hard for them to come back from.
It’s our natural reaction when we’ve failed- to run and hide, and to not be vulnerable with anyone for fear of rejection.
So we keep quiet, and not let anyone see the truth of our failures.
Yet, that hiding and stuffing our pain, only makes the shame grow stronger.
Your soul is starving for reassurance that you’re still a good person,
that you’re not the horrible person many in the world may label unfaithful spouses as being.
My Friend, you are still a good person.
Just showing up on my site looking for answers, shows you have a heart in desperate search for truth.
(If you want to skip right to the category of posts I’ve written just for you, click here.
Plus there’s some links at the bottom of the page).
You’ve just allowed yourself to make one small compromise after another small compromise,
until soon you were faced with the reality that those ‘small compromises’ led you into an affair,
which you likely thought you would never fall into.
You’re a good woman, who made a very damaging, bad choice.
But that doesn’t have to be the end of the story.
One bad decision doesn’t mean all of you is bad.
Your infidelity does not nullify all the other things about you that made you the
wonderfully kind, compassionate, and giving woman that you are.
And do you want to know a secret?
The truth is, you’re actually in more of a place to find a life of purpose and fulfillment now.
How’s that even possible you ask? (see, I can read minds).
Because real change can only occur through brokenness, and coming to the end of ourselves.
And humility is always the vehicle to get us there.
How does new growth ever occur in a forest again, after a devastating fire has decimated the entire area?
I always thought it was crazy to hear how fire actually plays an important role in ecosystems.
In fact, some plants cannot reproduce without this fire occurring, because fire breaks open the
outside coating of some seeds and stimulates germination.
“What may at first look like total devastation, soon becomes a panorama of new life.”*
The same is true for us, my friend.
We may have thought we were so strong, and so self-sufficient before the affair.
There may have been pride in our hearts thinking “I’d never be capable of having an affair!”
And that’s never a good place to be, (and likely half of society probably thinks the same).
But this thinking only made us more susceptible to having one.
If you come from faith, you’ll probably agree that it’s when we’re broken and look to God for our strength is when
He can use us to help others. That’s when we find our real purpose and fulfillment in life.
You were created for so much more than this,
and this affair does NOT have to define you for the rest of your life.
You have a purpose and calling, that only you can fulfill.
God wants you fully restored in Him, so you can blossom in the life you were created for.
And if you don’t subscribe to faith in God, please don’t turn away…you’ll still find hope and answers here.
I hope you’ll stick around, in this non-judgmental place for restoration as you lean into the support and love you’ll receive here.
Maybe now, your marriage (and your whole life) looks destroyed
by the fire of infidelity that’s swept through it.
It may look hopeless that it’ll ever be fully restored. But remember, how fire is necessary for forests to regrow?
Refining ‘Fire’ can also be a very important piece of change for us, and for our marriages, to regrow stronger too.
- Are you getting weary from the many, vain attempts to break off the affair and stop seeing your affair partner?
- Or, maybe you’ve broken off the affair, but you’re still missing your affair partner so much, and nobody would really understand?
- Are you a Christian woman who feels even more ashamed because you know God, and knew better?
- Do you feel the shame from your affair is causing you to hide from any help that you know you really need?
- Is your hope fading that your marriage could really survive this?
- Or, are you wondering if your husband will ever fully forgive you, and trust you again?
I have felt all of it.
But there is hope for a better life, don’t waste another day in anguish anymore.
I’d love to help you find the tools for your healing that you need,
in whatever stage of affair recovery you’re in.
You might ask, How?
There is still much support and resources I can offer you and much of it is free, or very affordable.
One thing I can assure you is- you’re not alone!
There are many women who are living with the pain from their infidelity,
but each woman is learning how to break free of the entanglements of their affair and get healthy in their
I’m still connected to a community of women through this AMA blog, and the various groups and courses I’ve led
(and continue to lead throughout the year at different times).
But you’ve got to be ready to break free of the craziness and out of the affair fog and understand that
affairs are deceptive; they make you think something is forever- when it’s a fantasy, also known as Limerence.
So here’s where you can start on your road to recovery,
if you’re a woman who had an affair:
1. Read through everything you can here on this AMA blog.
On the homepage menu you’ll see a drop down menu with different blog categories to help you find
the specific posts you need.
I have hundreds of free posts on various subjects here, and some are for betrayed husbands as well.
2.Sign up for my free e-book:
“20 steps to take to restore your marriage after an affair”
Plus details on our own marriage story and how we survived my affair-
that I don’t share on my blog.
3. Join the online course/support group for women who want to end their affair,
Or learn how to let go and move forward-if the affair has already ended but you’re struggling.
I have an option that you can take the affordable course by yourself at your own pace right now,
or you can sign up to take it with a group which costs a little more, and is only open 1-2x year.
Click here to learn more about both options.
4. Join our new support community and course called REBLOOM.
This is for women who had an affair, but have ended it,
and want to learn how to move forward in their healing.
Inside Rebloom you’ll learn how to:
Experience true healing for your soul and walk with God,
tools to help you start to release the shame and guilt,
how to release the obsessive thoughts and how to renew your thoughts in areas you want it to go instead,
Plus there are separate lessons just for the stages of recovery your marriage will go through
and you’ll learn how help your husband heal and your part in rebuilding your marriage.
*Please note, This is a group for recovering unfaithful wives only, who have already ended their affair.
“Debbie appreciates hearing from you, but due to the amount of e-mails Debbie receives,
she’s unfortunately unable to personally respond to every inquiry.
But if you have an idea for a blog post or even a good report you’d like to share with others (anonymously)
on how you got through your affair, or how your marriage healed after affair recovery-
you can leave a comment here or email me if you’re on my email list.
your feedback is so appreciated!
Click Here to read more blog posts for the wife who strayed:
Here are some reader favorites:
The 5 ways your affair starts in your thoughts is part of a universal law that’s been around forever,
but many of us often weren’t aware of it.
Some call it the Think-Feel-Act cycle.
Basically, our thoughts create our feelings, and those feelings contribute greatly to our actions, or behaviors.
Like gravity, which finally had a word put to the concept that always existed,
“Think, Feel, Act” has always existed,
but we’ve often been unaware of it in our own lives.
It’s the framework, which states how our behaviors can be traced back to the beginning to our thoughts.
This post is a bit different than some you’ll find out there.
This is about the affair recovery for the betrayer, the wayward spouse. Specifically the unfaithful female.
Are you the one who was unfaithful?
Are you feeling pretty crappy right now and unsure when
(or if) you’ll ever feel free of guilt and shame?
Then this post is written directly to you, my friend.
You probably didn’t plan for it to happen. Maybe it just snuck up on you.
A few texts here, a phone call there. And now…
you’re married but in love with someone else.
Even if you manipulated events just right beforehand to have it happen,
it still probably took you by surprise that you actually did it.
Most people don’t go into marriage planning on having an affair some day.
Yet, it happens every day, and women are not immune to infidelity either.
Looking back to when news of my infidelity came out
to our church, friends and family, people I’d been friends with and loved for years,
were suddenly out of my life or gone silent.
Even my own father, who I love and have been close to my whole life, went silent during that season.
For some people, the disappointment is just too much to deal with. I don’t fault them.
But I’d also never felt so much shame or alone in my entire life.
I witnessed the heartbreak of many lost friendships, gossip and judgment which only reconfirmed my shame and guilt.
But I also experienced the amazing power of unconditional love and forgiveness from others.
Cambridge English dictionary describes the meaning of ambivalence as
“having two opposing feelings at the same time. Or being uncertain about how you feel.”
If you’ve ever been in an affair, then you are already well acquainted with the word because
you’re probably living daily with ambivalence.
But we all know, when in an affair, we can’t stay ambivalent (or indecisive) for very long.
Eventually a decision needs to be made or it will be made for you. But How?
You might have one foot in the marriage and one foot out.
Meaning there may be half of you wanting to save your marriage and the other half wanting to stay with your affair partner.
Many wayward spouses find themselves here. And unfaithful wives are no exception, feeling stuck and seeing no way out. Read More…
Why is ending an affair so hard to do?
Especially when you know in your heart you have to break it off.
Do you feel like no matter hard you’ve tried you go right back into it over and over again? I remember that feeling.
I had a phone call from one of my readers last month,
she was asking me for advice on how to end an affair she was in.
For privacy, I’ll call her Sue.
Sue told me about her affair with a man that is friends with her husband and she is friends with his wife.
Actually the 2 couples are all friends. Their kids play together and they all go to the same church. One compromise after another led Sue right into an affair. Read More…
So,you screwed up. You had an affair, and now you feel terrible. I get it. It’s awful, and there’s no way to take it back.
Seeing the look on your husbands face when he found out that you were unfaithful
on “Discovery Day” was enough to break your heart in pieces.
So what can you do now?
Is there any hope that he can forgive you and heal so your marriage can be save? Yes, I believe there can be hope for your marriage.
It happened for mine. Read More…
Every affair begins somewhere. They all have a fairly predictable start.
After an affair is over, many women will say they don’t understand how they could be have allowed themselves to be unfaithful
and they are often confused about how they got into the situation in the first place.
Yet, there are always signs to look for.
The foundation is always set and the conditions are ripe before an affair starts.
Those conditions can be as innocent as discontentment or unhappiness within a woman’s heart and life.
The condition of her heart could be cold toward her husband and perhaps small resentments have built up.
Left unchecked and not talked about, resentments are seeds that can grow into displeasure and a desire to find happiness in someone else.
Do you wonder if this connection with have with a ‘friend’ is innocent or if it’s
actually an emotional affair? In this post, I define what an emotional affair really means
and we explore what that means for you.
Also, if you want to know specific things that people in emotional affairs often do,
read this post ’34 ways warning signs of your emotional unfaithfulness.’
Read More about what is an emotional affair here…
Part 2 of 18 reasons why not to have an affair.
10. Prepare yourself to live in confusion, a torn heart, and inability to decide.
Even before your spouse finds out about your affair, you’ll live in confusion and feel torn apart.
Giving your heart and body to someone else, only serves to divide your soul in two.
It often causes you to be indecisive about who to spend the rest of your life with.
You may know in your heart that your affair partner is not right for you,
but you’ll still feel confused and ambivalent.
That’s what affairs do…. Read more…