UPDATE and Follow up on Facebook group closure
and to answer the many questions and comments I’ve received.
If you haven’t seen my first post about the reasons
Part 1- Why I decided to close my AMA Women Facebook group you can read that here.
*If you were not a member of AMA Women, you may not care to read this post as it’s not going to be particularly helpful
Or applicable to you…fair warning.
Folks, it’s been quite a rough week after closing my Facebook group that I’ve had for 2.5 years.
I truly labored over this issue for many, many months and resisted doing it, even though I knew it was
what I needed to do
(losing quite a bit of sleep before announcing it and since).
Somehow I knew this wouldn’t be a popular decision for all 2,100+ ladies,
so I kept it open to keep everyone else happy.
But as the group grew, I knew it was turning into something I didn’t intend for it to be.
It’s nobody’s fault- except my naivety in thinking a Facebook group of women could solve the complex
problems of affair recovery.
I posted a video within the group on a Tuesday and said the group would close on Friday.
I had reasons for the short window, as I’ll share below.
Many women told me how helpful the group had been to them during its season,
but many also agreed with me in my reasons that it had become a place to easier rag on husbands,
complain about unfulfilling marriages, missing AP’s or rehashing the affair details,
or breaking no contact with their AP and going back into the affair etc…
Quite a few even told me that their counselors (and some husbands) were questioning their need for the group
and if it could be doing more harm than good.
I started to feel the same.
Some thanked me and were grateful for the time it was open.
But I have since learned that some women are now angry at me- and slandering me behind my back,
along with my reputation and questioning my intentions for having the group,
and others are even speculating about why I closed it, or upset with HOW I closed it.
So I’m going to post those concerns now and my reasons; and then not mention it again.
I won’t waste anymore time chasing personal comments of haters who probably don’t care
to listen to my reasons or believe them anyway.
Here are some of the accusations and comments I’ve heard from people who are upset about
AMA Women closing, and my explanations:
1. This is not about the money- nor has it ever been.
Some have said: “She is just closing because it’s a free group and she wants to do Rebloom because it is paid.”
AMA Women Facebook group was always free, yes.
Yet, I served in it for 2 1/2 years, and was happy to do so.
It was never about earning money.
If that was my motive, I would have never done a FB group, and I also wouldn’t have closed it to lose 2K
potential future customers to anything else I charged for- which should prove I am not doing any of this
for money.
If I wanted to earn money online, I certainly would NOT have put my own name and reputation on the line,
by connecting it to affairs.
There’s a lot better ways to earn money without risking my name and our story being associated with this subject.
This is what I wrote in the original post that I’ll add here as well:
For the few cynical people out there that somehow thought I was closing the FB group
because it didn’t generate revenue for me- let me set some things straight:
I never got money from the group for the 2.5 years it existed, but I did it anyway to help women.
Those who say this, don’t know anything about what the online marketing ‘guru’s suggest.
They say having a FB group, or YouTube videos, is important if you want to ‘sell your services’ to those
inside your FB group or lead people to those sales pages from YouTube!
Why do you think so many online companies host FB groups or have free YouTube videos?
So most of these ‘experts’ would highly disagree with my decision (from a financial standpoint)
as I’ve just lost my ready ‘customers’ to sell to.
BUT, it was never about money to me- not then and not now.
I genuinely thought (when I started this) that a FB group would help women gain support to move forward after their affair.
Obviously, 2 1/2 years later I see that differently.
But with that being said, is it wrong to pay for a support group or program where much time, resources and expense
went into creating it?
Most of the big name companies in this space charge hundreds, or even thousands of dollars, for their services;
and rightfully so for many of them.
2. Why I ever mentioned my potential other group”Rebloom”
when closing this FB group.
I had a small membership type group called Rebloom in 2020, as a way to support those who are more ready
to move forward in the second half of their healing after their affair has now ended.
It was open for 6 months- with the intention of possibly reopening it again in 2021 to support women who wanted
more help.
So I mentioned it, as a possible alternative, for those who still need more support from like-minded women.
I wanted to give some people hope that there would be more closely supported help with focused lessons and support
than what I could ever do in just a Facebook group.
But I heard some basically said:
“Rebloom makes her money and the FB group doesn’t. So that’s why she closed the FB group.”
Which questions my motives and integrity. Well, I suppose that looks to make sense on the surface.
But if you really knew what I charged for rebloom last year you’d likely laugh-
$15/month.
Yea, that barely paid for the expensive of my hosting platform where I keep all the lessons, video and worksheets I created.
And it certainly doesn’t cover much of my monthly extra fees like
email service for my subscribers, blog hosting fees, zoom call providers
and private podcast hosting for the podcasts I did privately for Rebloom.
Not to mention the extensive time I put into creating all the lessons and the time involved in supporting
women in crisis.
Plus I ended up letting some join for free if they were able to help at all, and others received discounts off of the $15.
The time I donated far surpassed any monetary gain of $15/month, I assure you.
Plus, when you go back to point #1- where most online marketing specialists advise to host FB groups so you can sell to
a live audience, you’ll realize that closing the FB group is actually ‘bad business’ if I was truly in it for money.
I realize we live in a greedy society, and unfortunately, there are many that exploit people in their time of need.
That can make us skeptical; and I am also cynical of people motives about this too.
But God knows my heart and my motives in doing all this, and I take comfort in that.
Like I said, if I wanted to get rich off people -I would not be picking a subject like affairs to do it,
and I CERTAINLY would not be wanting to expose myself, my name and my face-
plus my husbands name and our marriage to an affair recovery blog and groups!
There are much better (& easier) ways to earn a living, trust me.
“Skin in the game” means a lot of things- one of which is having a dedicated small group of others
to be accountable to, that have the same goal and purpose as you are…it’s not just a financial commitment though
it can entail that.
IF I ever open Rebloom again, it is only for the purpose of helping women who are serious about moving forward
in their healing, alongside other women who want the same thing.
I don’t believe having everyone thrown into one group who are in different places of recovery, or goals for their marriage, is truly healthy or helpful.
3. Speculation and accusations like to fly when people don’t understand.
Even though I tried my best to explain my reasons in my first post (and my private video I created for the women in the group)-
it wasn’t enough.
I understand not everyone will agree with my reasons. And some are simply mad at me that this group is closed.
That’s okay- we can agree to disagree.
But to hear people tell me that some speculated saying “there’s more going on here” is really disheartening-
and calling it a ‘smokescreen’ is really a low and untrue accusation.
Some have gossiped saying maybe my marriage isn’t doing good, or maybe I’m back in touch with the AP again.
This is ridiculous gossip and slander, and I suppose it’s what people like to do when they’re mad,
because they can’t have what they once had anymore.
But it’s all because I decided to close the group and they like to speculate- not because it’s based on any truth.
First of all, my marriage is wonderful, my husband is a great man and we are very happy together.
If anything, continuing the FB group would put a strain on us, because it was stressful for me to maintain
and frankly, it’s not easy to constantly be talking about affairs!
Second, NO, I never want to see or talk to my AP again.
I’m sorry these ladies go to that thought right away, but it’s because that’s where
their current struggle is- not mine. Just because I closed the group doesn’t mean I’ve relapsed.
Why would I return to my worst mistake ever?
My husband had a men’s group as well that he decide to take this time to close too.
During the time AMA Women was opened, he had 2 men’s group.
The first he had to close because it became a toxic place for men to complain about their
wives and many were soon getting divorced.
The newer group had certain guidelines to join,
to ensure the right men joined who were working with their wives to heal the marriage.
But still, there became posts sometimes that were long and explicit and bashing their wife-
due to the understandable hurt they were experiencing.
Still he worked hard to monitor this to create a safe space for all- and it can be consuming.
He debated closing it down for months too and used this time that mine was closing to just
finally close the men’s group too.
He has a full time, stressful job and this was all done volunteering in his ‘spare’ time.
He had no moderators or help and had debated closing it for months but held off.
Unless you have been an admin for groups in messy subjects like this-
you really won’t understand the stress of it.
It can be a joy, and it’s a blessing too when you see lives changed.
But picture talking about your worst regret day in and day out, or your spouses- for years-
just for the sake of trying to help others through i… and then say it was selfish to close it?
Yet, we were called unethical and “abandoning those in need of support” because we decided to close the groups,
and gossipers love to say it’s because our marriage is in trouble since we both closed our groups.
What about the time it was open?
What about gratitude for the care and support that was given to even open groups like these instead of bashing
the people because they felt it was time to close them?
Leading to my next point-
4. Some said it was a ‘selfish decision’ to close the Facebook group
because it didn’t ‘serve me’ anymore.
Honestly, the FB group never “served me”- because it was for other women struggling.
Again- this is what I wrote in the original post:
Those who say “the group didn’t serve me anymore” don’t really understand the whole point of my opening the group.
It never ‘served me’ because it wasn’t about me- it never was for me- it was for hurting women.
(when I first believed that a Facebook group could help them as much as they needed- I no longer believe that).
I was happy to serve and help when I did, but it never did anything for me personally.
Yet, some women will still only see my decision as being selfish because the group wouldn’t serve them anymore.
Do you know what I was selfish about? I was selfish toward my family!
The amount of hours I took FROM THEM to create blog posts that I thought would help people, are countless.
The time and stress I experienced to chase down new members trying to join who had a new Facebook account to verify them,
or to validate that they were legit- because I was trying relentlessly to protect the women’s privacy is hard to measure.
The time I took away from my husband and family I can never get back-
staying up late at night to moderate comments or answering group or private message questions,
or mediate any problems or drama inside the group.
But my husband and I were happy to sacrifice that because we believed it would help others.
I was very thankful for my moderators help but ultimately the burden of keeping the group protected
from the wrong people, or keeping the subject on task, was upon me.
(And I always had the back of one moderator, that many would complain about to me in private messages
that she was too mean or harsh-yet I always defended her).
Again, if I was in this to serve myself, I wouldn’t have picked adultery as a subject to take on!
If you were a woman in my group- think of how worried you were about your privacy, or friends and family
discovering you were in ‘such a group’ …now think of me and my husband, our family and our story being so public.
I had to talk to each of my boys before starting this endeavor and make sure they were okay with
our families story being made public!
I had to lay aside my own worries about my reputation from others who would read about us;
because I wanted to make a difference for other women and marriages–
even knowing that not all our extended family and friends knew our story, and this was risking their opinion of us.
If you haven’t walked in my shoes, please hold your comments and judgements about it.
5. Taking the links down to new groups upset people.
When I finally made the decision, I announced it in a video to the women in the FB group, as well as this blog post.
As a standard rule for the group, we never allowed outside links of any kind (except my own blog).
I came to the conclusion early on, that no links is the right decision, as I couldn’t verify every link
went to helpful content or was in line with the mission and purpose of AMA.
It also is extremely time consuming to verify the content of these links,
and I knew it wouldn’t be helpful or “fair” to allow some links that I knew were okay, if I didn’t allow others.
So in the first year, I had to make the difficult decision to not allow any outside links to other groups, blogs, videos etc…
Yet, when I announced the closing of the FB group-some stepped up wanting to create new groups,
and then proceeded to put links to these new groups without asking me.
I allowed it, considering the circumstances, but when it was time to archive the group-
I made the decision to take those links down because once it’s archived, I cannot change the content within the group.
(But this was after telling the ladies that some have created new groups.)
I deleted the links to groups to maintain the same consistency of why I hadn’t allowed links before…
to have links from group to other groups if me actually endorsing these groups.
But if I cannot know or validate the health or ultimate purpose of that group being in line with what I believe is good for recovery,
then I didn’t think it was right for me to keep the links up…as that’s basically my endorsement of said groups.
Many were angry at me for this.
Some said they felt ‘abandoned’ somehow because ‘ how will women find the new group?’
Also, if I had strong enough convictions that a Facebook group was causing more harm than good to the women in the group
(who are really trying to stop thinking about their AP)- so much that I closed my own group,
why would I then want to direct women to another group like it?
Especially when I have no idea the type of group dynamics, or the mission they’ll have, and how diligent they’re going to be,
in restraining triggering comments!
(And now in light of what I’ve learned regarding some hateful comments about me,
and how anything goes regarding posting comments about one’s affair in one spin off group-
I am glad that I held to that decision).
Ladies, I never had a Facebook group when I was recovering from this, and actually I am happy I didn’t.
I also started AMA Women the old fashioned way, from the ground up.
I didn’t even have 200 women by its first year open , yet I believe this group has twice that amount as a spillover from AMA
so I don’t think anyone should be complaining about lack of links to their group.
6. I ended up deleting the group, instead of archiving.
After learning about the worries, concerns and complaints of women that their posts and comments are ‘archived’ within the group,
and they were so concerned that these comments are ‘out there’ before they could delete them-
I decided that maybe they are right.
Because the privacy concerns I had aren’t completely resolved by keeping the group archived.
Those comments would still be on Facebook and anyone could read them who got their wife’s phone etc..
I tried to delete some women’s comments and posts at their request, but to do that for everyone was not realistic,
and so after emailing the group- I have to remove each member to delete the group.
Yet, now these same people are upset that the group is deleted and they can’t view old posts.
So which is it?
You want your own stories, comments and posts deleted but leave everyone else’s so you have
the benefit to go back and read theirs?
We live in a time of everyone being an expert,
and lots of social media slandering behind hidden computer screens.
I just didn’t think it would come from the very women I was trying for so long to help.
Look, whether I kept the group archived or deleted it I would be criticized.
Some were mad that I was archiving with their comments and posts in the group to be read.
others were mad I deleted the group and its comments so nobody could read them since
they couldn’t go back to read them.
I wouldn’t win no matter what I did- unless I kept the Facebook open until the day I die, regardless of
how it impacted me or my family.
I never promised it would only be archived but that was the first decision I made-
and yes, I’m learning as I go along on how to deal with such a delicate subject like this,
especially regarding social media.
I’m sure some people believe they would have known exactly the right thing to do that 2K
women would all agree on!
7. I ‘abandoned people’ who needed help-
by closing the Facebook group.
Really?
So creating something (that never existed for women in the first place) is now abandoning them to close it?
Would I have been better off never creating it? Gosh, I have to wonder that now.
Is a Facebook group supposed to take the place of counseling, prayer, and taking personal responsibility for ones
own healing? NO, I don’t believe it can or should.
I do understand that we can sometimes switch from one addiction to another and I know that this group
became a substitute for communications with an AP. I get that.
But I don’t think it’s a long term healthy solution.
It’s too easy for a group of strangers to pat us on the back and tell us all the smooth sayings we want to hear
to not feel badly about ourselves, but that’s not where true change comes from.
Where were these people before, who are now suddenly concerned about women’s recovery?
Why haven’t you started a blog and put your story and face out there to millions of people to read about,
if you’re really so worried about women’s affair recovery?
Yes, it’s easy to say ‘let someone else do it’ and easier still to criticize when they do it like
“we think” they should. But much harder to take the reigns to do it ourselves.
And I’m talking about far more than just a Facebook group.
Share your affair story online and see how many haters come out of the woodwork to tell you what
a terrible person they think you really are.
Expose your husband to the pain again when he has to hear not only your marriage story again, but
from others who are torn apart by adultery- yet in his sacrificial type love he agrees because he sees
it’s a calling by God for you.
Yet, it’s easier to shame and scorn the woman who stepped up to do this and now question my motives,
all because you’re mad the Facebook group closed.
Somehow that equates to abandoning women?!
You same women saying these things- were you thankful for the group before-
enough to DO something?
Were you willing to share YOUR story publicly to help others, when I asked for stories to share on my blog?
(even when I said it was going to be anonymous). I got 2 people who sent me their stories!
How serious are you REALLY about not abandoning women in need?
If I believed a Facebook group held the answers to every woman’s affair recovery problems,
I would have kept it open. But the bottom line is- I don’t believe this now.
So I don’t believe it’s abandoning anyone.
I also encouraged personal accountability and connections being made within members of the group,
because I think that’s where some of the true healing will be.
There are many wonderful organizations to help with affair recovery.
Affair Recovery.com
Affair Healing.com
Marriage Helpers.com
Plus many books that also help,
and on and on.
8. I’ve been accused of closing the group too fast.
How long would have been long enough to keep it open for everyone?
It may have seemed sudden to some- but it was not a quick and sudden decision for me.
I actually should have obeyed God last year when I first felt Him nudging me to close it but I didn’t.
Some people I trust advised me to not leave it open for too long because it just encourages negative comments
and complaining about the decision.
I gave 3 days before archiving the group- which meant they could have access to the group content still for a time.
And I emailed those who chose to give me their email as a group member but my video and posts remained.
Plus most know my email address if they had questions.
I think with a group of 2,100 women, there will be almost that many opinions about the best way to have
handled this.
Most of the women in the group checked back into the group daily to see the announcements.
Or they got my email announcements. Or, they could PM me or they could email me if this was
really their “lifeline” and they were left abandoned.
I received no email replies and only support in my messenger in the first few days after.
Ultimately, where does your help come from ladies?
9. My expression of faith in Jesus Christ being the answer, has been ridiculed.
Yes, I’ve written more posts about my personal faith in Jesus and how I truly believe HE is the answer to the lack of peace
we go through in search of an affair.
and I also have shared more of a biblical view of how deceptive sin really is
to blind us from the truth (also known as ‘affair fog’).
I understand that we won’t all see eye to eye on these things- but I still wanted to share my testimony of
what God has done in my life and our marriage and how sin is at the root of all our pain.
Anyone who first comes to my blog will quickly realize I am a follower of Christ and I make no
apologies about that. So it shouldn’t be a surprise when I teach biblical principles, even about sin.
Yet, some say they don’t believe in “sin”, or they don’t believe that talking about God is relevant
when talking about affairs.
I disagree with that.
Sin is not an “easy word” to speak about, but it’s a real thing, and it’s in all of us.
I’m not any ‘better’ because I am a follower of Christ- just forgiven for my sins.
God is the source of hope and healing for my shame, my sin and the foundation
of how my marriage was healed. Is it so wrong to share that with people?
Does this mean I hate nonbelievers? Absolutely NOT.
I love these women; whether you’re a Christian or not.
I didn’t want to limit AMA Women to JUST Christians because I felt I wanted
to help anyone and everyone who needed help and support but I was also not
going to back down in fear of being honest of the source of my hope.
I know the message of the cross is offensive to others, and I am sensitive to that concern.
But I do unashamedly believe Jesus is the Only way to heaven- there is no other name under
heaven by which we can be saved.
(Acts 4:12)
I didn’t say it- Jesus did.
(John 14:6)
If you didn’t like those faith posts or comments, you could keep scrolling- or you didn’t have to join the group.
But please don’t accuse me of hating people who don’t share my faith, because that is not true.
Why would I have accepted everyone-regardless of your faith- into AMA all these years?
Friend, I believe I welcomed everyone but I would not be honoring God if I didn’t share the
full truth with you of where my strength and healing came from.
Would it have been easier for me to not share my faith about Jesus in the group or within
this blog?
YES! If I didn’t share what Jesus did for me I would have no push back, misunderstanding or hateful comments
accusing me of hating people who don’t believe in Jesus like I do.
But contrary to what you believe right now, I would NOT be loving you to not share that truth with you.
Jesus is the one who gives me true peace, and HE healed is the foundation of our healed marriage.
What I meant in my first post about the damage that can be done by continuing to talk about things
is from this verse:
Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.
It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret.|
Ephesian 5:11-12
Others may have been offended by this verse I posted on the original post:
Blessed is the man
Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,
Nor stands in the path of sinners,
Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;
2 But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
Psalm 1:1-2
That simply means being aware of where your advice (counsel) is coming from.
As a Christian, I look to the Lord and His word (law) as guidance for what to do.
I believe what I said was misconstrued and maligned about these things and
I’m sorry for my part in not making that clear, and if I was not a perfect representation of the love of Christ…
I know I tried but admit I often failed greatly.
10. I need some time to reevaluate God’s purpose for me.
I admit it- I’m human. I make mistakes and I may not have done everything the way everyone wanted me to.
And I’m sorry if I hurt anyone.
But I had to follow my convictions about closing the group and the longer I kept it open,
the more I felt it was actually going to hurt women’s recovery, and I knew I had to obey God.
Whether you believe that or not, is not my concern. He knows the truth.
So, I need this time to reevaluate God’s will and purpose for me moving forward, and to determine if
doing anything in an affair recovery type support group is something that even matters.
So honestly, I don’t know right now about opening Rebloom in June.
I deactivated my FB account to focus on my family and friends that I’d neglected so much while
AMA Women was open.
No, I haven’t dropped off the face of the earth. Those of you who follow this blog
know how to get a hold of me. (i.e. Get on my mailing list to hear from me and to email me etc).
I won’t lie- hearing that so many women gossiped about me, is hurtful.
Some are now questioning my motives and integrity for ever having the group-
all because I closed the group, and that’s not easy to take in.
It makes me wonder if all of it was even worth it.
And now I’m left wondering why I would put myself out there again to help others, to just be slandered like this?
Friends, it can be exhausting to talk about affairs so much. It’s not a ‘happy’ subject.
It wasn’t always easy managing a Facebook group of 2,100 women talking about getting over an affair.
But I was happy to help as long as I knew it was truly helping beyond the ‘surface support’ it appeared to give.
I was committed to giving the time and attention it required between the FB group, the blog, the private emails I get from people wanting help
and advice.
But I don’t have a staff I can hire to help me like others do and I need to know that this is really what God has for me to do
in this next chapter of my life.
So I ask you to pray with me and for me about this- you who pray and care about what I’ve tried to do
with helping women and marriages.
Pray for clarity of my next steps and to hear from God of whether to continue in small groups or not.
For now, I’ll take some time with my loving husband, my sons and my grandkids and reevaluate my next steps.
IN CONCLUSION.
I realize creating the AMA Women Facebook group probably also created a monster in that
now some women are mad it’s not there anymore for them to waste time scrolling through.
I don’t claim to have done everything perfectly in this.
Unfortunately, there’s no rule book for how to close a Facebook group of 2,100 women-
especially one where they joined under the subject of affair recovery.
I may not have expressed myself my faith very well explained clearly enough what I meant by listening
to outside advice in a FB group and I’m sorry if I didn’t explain it better.
I do care for each one of you ladies who were caught in this deceptive fog of infidelity
and I care for your marriages to be restored.
If you’re reading this as a former member of AMA Women and you know you would have
handled it better- I’m happy for you.
But until you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes, you don’t really know how you would have.
I honestly thought these women would be the “least” hateful, slanderous, gossipy and judgmental ones I’d encounter.
Some have been very understanding and agreed with this decision;
but I’m sad so many were quick to judge me for my decision to close the FB group or pick apart how it was done.
I believe there’s a time to share our past regrets; to get prayer and support to flee from those things.
But there’s also a time to rise up and realize YOU are the one that has to leave those things behind
and do the hard work of taking the next right steps.
Nobody else can do this work for you.
Yes, it’s hard and lonely sometimes.
But Jesus said HE would never leave us or forsake us.
My last point,
Some claim a concern for unfaithful wives who are forgotten, or who didn’t know about the group closing,
but what are you doing to help the millions of women out there who need to know they’re not alone
in this?
It takes more than a Facebook group, my friends.
It takes a move of God upon hurting, broken hearts to be restored to all HE created you to be.
Don’t just be another complaining, gossiping voice adding to the hatred in the world.
Be grateful for everything you’ve had while you have it- Nothing is supposed to last forever.
As Brene Brown often quotes the Teddy Roosevelt famous man in the arena poem:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles,
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;
but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions;
who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement,
and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
I’m certainly no hero, so don’t misunderstand what I’m saying-
but I saw a gap out there; a lack of help and information for the wife who had the affair.
A lack of support for her to do the right thing- flee her affair and reconnect with her marriage, if able.
That is one I joined the arena of affair recovery.
But there’s healthy and unhealthy ways to do recovery.
I truly hope you find the healing to move forward in your life.
God Bless,
Debbie
