What do you want your life to be?
What are your dreams
goals for your future?
Do you feel stuck and not really enjoying the life you have?
It’s easy to think we have no control over anything in our life that happens to us and we just need to live with where are now.
We can easily compare what we have to the great life others seem to have, and discontentment can set in real quick.
Looking great on the outside seems to be the norm in this social media society.
I’m not talking about things life disease, the weather, or controlling what other people do. But we are often miserable because of our own terrible choices we made and then we wonder “WHERE ARE YOU GOD?”
“Why is this all happening to me?” Very often, we get discontent with our life and so we start trying to find a way to feel better. Sometimes they’re constructive changes-go back to school, start going to church, meet new friends, volunteer.
But sometimes out of our discontentment we make destructive choices-that hurt the people we love and ourselves.
We all go through it at some point. But I want to challenge you to start thinking differently. What is it you really want from life? What are your goals and dreams that you put aside thinking it just wasn’t possible?
I believe when we start changing our thinking,
our mindset, we can change our life.
“Even the bible says as a Man thinks in his heart so is he.” Proverbs 23:7
It doesn’t mean we can control everything that happens, but I do believe we can turn our lives around if it’s not going in the direction we want. It may take a lot of hard work and perseverance but I know it’s possible.
Many people get caught up in affairs because of a discontentment in their lives, so it’s very relevant to our theme.
(This is Part 2 of the blog post the top 10 stages of healing after an affair, for the unfaithful wife. If you haven’t read it yet, I’d like to encourage you to go there now and check it out).
Go ahead, I’ll wait. This post is a continuation from that one.
so, on that post we talked about the various stages of an affair, along with the emotions and healing process that usually correlates with each stage of the process.
(stay with me on this, I have a personal story of how perseverance paid off I’ll share with you at the end…)
Here is a quick summary of the
top 10 stages of healing
after an affair.
(But please refer back to the actual post (link above) to read my descriptions after each):
- Thinking about having an affair, but just flirting with a man, no big deal.
- Already started an affair, husband does NOT know.
- Husband knows about the affair, D-Day has happened, and he’s devastated.
- Husband does not know the WHOLE truth about my affair, I left out a lot so I wouldn’t hurt him as much.
- Not sure about the decision I’m making to stay in my marriage and work it out, or leave my marriage and be with my affair partner.
- My life is a mess. People know about the affair and I feel so alone.
- I’ve tried to break it off with my affair partner, but I end up resuming some type of contact again and again.
- I’ve broken off all contact (one day at a time) and I really want my marriage to survive this, but where do I begin?
- My husband isn’t sure if he wants to stay married, he doesn’t trust me and is back and forth in his decision.
- We are working at healing our marriage after my infidelity but I sometimes feel like we’re not making enough progress.
You’re right. There is no automatic healing from an affair.
Knowing the stages and steps to healing is a start,
but you and your spouse might still be in so much pain…
that it’s often hard to see how anything is going to ever change.
Hold on with me for a second. Just do a few things. They may seem simple but I want you to really take your time in the next few days to think about what I’m about to say.
First, Just pick one of the above 10 stages that is closest to your current situation.
- How do you feel about the stage of healing (or not healing) you are in right now?
- Are you satisfied with it?
- Is your life all you hoped it could be?
- Or, are you living with regret and sorrow about your affair but feel too stuck to change? Which leads me to this…
Second, look at which stage you WANT to be in?
If you could pick one stage from the 10 above, and it would just be granted to you with no problem, which stage would you pick?
- As you see where you are now, where on the scale of 1-10 stages of healing do you want to be?
- Again, if you knew you could have your wish, what would you want for your life to be next month?
- Next year?
- How about in 5 years?
- Do you want to be doing what you’re doing right now in 5 or 10 or 20 years, with your affair partner? or do you want a different life than this with your current family and marriage- only better than it’s been.
It may seem like silly questions. but if you don’t identify:
- where you are now (what stage of healing are you in today?) and
- where do you WANT to be? (what are your goals and dreams for your self? and your marriage? in 5 years, or 10 years.)
Then you’ll continue to stay stuck right where you’re at. And that’s no way to live.
We often mistakenly believe we are just the product
of whatever life throws at us.
That we have no say in what happens to us. Yes, Sometimes that is true. But a lot of times it isn’t all together true. We do have a role in the life we want to have.
Yet, it certainly was true for me, that I was not in control, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, just after our family moved to Colorado. Things were finally getting better, we were well on our way to recovering and rebuilding our marriage. I didn’t get to chose when the breast cancer would announce itself.
But I was able to chose my attitude in the midst of it.
However, the stages of healing after your affair is
something you do have some control over.
The truth is you can’t control your husband and what he does.
You can’t control what your affair partner (hopefully ex-AP) does.
You and I can’t control our kids. (dang, I used to think I had some control over them when they were little, but alas they grew up!)
Look, the facts are:
- You can’t make someone stay with you (although I do believe you have more ability than you realize to change that outcome)
- and you can’t fast forward the healing process.
But YOU CAN make the right decisions today, tomorrow and every day
hereafter to move forward on that top 10 stages of healing chart to get
to the place YOU want to be and have the life you can be proud of.
I didn’t really own that truth when I was going through my affair, and It really delayed my own healing, and the restoration of our marriage. So, take my word for it and save yourself much grief and heartache….
Do whatever it takes now to have the life
you really want for your future…and for your families future.
I truly care about what happens to you.
And I believe your life can change for the better, if it happened for me it can happen for you too…
if you are willing to do whatever you it takes to grab hold of it.
Let’s review what we talked about here:
- I asked you to evaluate where you are currently in your life today, from that top 10 list.
- Then, to be honest with yourself and decide what do you want your life to be, if you knew it wouldn’t fail. What would you want for your life to look like on that scale next year, or in 5 years? 10 years?
- Take your time this week to really reflect on that last question.
- Print out the top 10 stages list with the corresponding phase of emotions/healings that go with each stage, and put it in front of you this week. Really think, and pray, about what your life looks like today. Is it what you want it to be?
- What steps can you start to take to get the life you really want to have by this time next year? or 5 years? Lay aside any excuses or small thinking holding you back from it.
I have one more thing to share with you. It’s kind of personal. But hey, we’re friends by now right?
My husband and I are grandparents now to two awesome grand kids, Hudson is 2 1/2 and Harper is 1 yrs old. Last month my husband and I went to visit our oldest son, his wife and our grand kids in Florida (they just moved there 6 months ago). My husband and I sat on the beach with the waves crashing in front of us, and we watched our precious grand kids and our son playing in the sand and we looked at each other with such gratitude in our hearts. We both talked about how blessed we were to enjoy this time with them together, being grandparents-together. Not separately shuttling kids back and forth to different locations and homes. Our grand kids know us together as Mimi and Pop. Hudson loves saying it now “Mimi,Pop, Mimi,Pop” Like we’re a package deal.
And you know what? We are. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
That is a glimpse of what you could have too.
A future generation to enjoy together.
A life with an intact family.
Kids that get to see parents work through the tough stuff and come out on the other side-together.
Nothing is worth more to me than that, except my relationship with my Lord now. But I wouldn’t trade this life for that old mess I made with the affair for anything in the world.
It’s possible to start making choices to get you to that goal.
Recovery after an affair is hard work. But anything worth having in life is hard work anyway right?
Feel free to contact me and tell me what you thought of this post, or how you plan on applying it to your life.
I’d love to post your comments below, or you can privately contact me too.
do you want to know more about God? follow this link to learn more about Jesus who truly loves you more than any human ever could.
Remember..your feelings will eventually follow your decisions. xoxo