6 ways to distinguish what forgiveness IS NOT,
so you begin the process of true forgiveness.
Knowing what forgiveness is not is important in the early days when
trying to grasp the reality of a spouse’s unfaithfulness.
Understanding the boundaries of what forgiveness is and is not, will be an important part of your recovery process.
Forgiving someone who has wronged us is never a natural thing for us as human beings.
Our human nature is to want justice or revenge on the one who has done something against us.
How much deeper is the wound when the infraction was done by someone we love and vowed to spend our whole life with.
So, the question always comes back to: how will you forgive your spouse for infidelity?
Is it even possible to truly forgive your spouse after you have been so betrayed by their unfaithfulness?
I believe the answer is yes, but it will depend on you, as the betrayed spouse.
What is forgiveness?
First, let’s clarify what forgiveness really means.
We all understand the concept, but here are some ways the Webster dictionary defines it:
- “To give up resentment of; to grant relief of payment.
- To stop feeling anger toward one who has done something wrong.
- To stop blaming someone; to stop feeling anger about something.”
Those sound good on paper but how to live them out is another story.
There are things to keep in mind as you question whether you can forgive your spouse after they were unfaithful.
Now let’s look at what forgiveness is NOT:
1. True forgiveness is not conditional.
If you base your forgiveness on whether your spouse ends the affair or does everything right, your forgiveness level will be up and down like waves in the ocean. Besides, it would be a conditional forgiveness, which is not true forgiveness at all. Remember our Webster definition? “To grant relief of payment..” If we wait for our spouse to get it all together before we forgive, we are still expecting payment (i.e. “I will forgive when you are worthy of forgiveness”). No, true forgiveness happens independently of the person’s actions or responses.
2. Forgiveness is not really about them, it’s about you.
Forgive, no matter what the future holds for you. Whether your marriage survives or not, forgiveness is still important for your own healing. It is all about releasing you not your spouse. When we are in pain from a betrayal, it is easy to forget that our anger, although justified, only hurts us and holds us We become imprisoned by our anger and resentment.
The tapes of betrayal that get replayed over in our minds are the keys to our jail cell refusing to release us. As long as we replay the offense over and over in our minds, we become the prisoners of its hostility. If allowed to fester and grow, we will become people we, and others who know us, no longer recognize, and not in a good way.
3. Forgiveness does not equal trust.
Although both are important to the marriage being restored, they are separate entities and processes.
You can forgive someone before you actually trust that person again. As Ronald Reagan was famous for saying “Trust by verify.” And that’s okay.
It is easy to get forgiveness and trust confused. The unfaithful spouse needs to understand trust will probably take much longer to be restored than forgiveness will. But as the unfaithful spouse does all the right things to facilitate healing, trust will grow again.
Yet, what is trust if the betrayed spouse has determined not to forgive?
The marriage still will not survive.
So forgiveness usually comes before trust.
4. Forgiveness does not mean you condone their behavior.
It is possible to forgive the person and not condone their behavior. Sometimes people feel if they extend forgiveness, the other person will think they are okay with what they did. Or, they’re afraid the other person will not understand how deeply the offense hurt them. Of course, it is important to get those feelings out. You cannot rush the forgiveness process. Expressing your pain to the wayward spouse is important for healing, as long as you don’t stay stuck there. They have a debt they can never repay, it doesn’t matter how sorry they may be, the past is the past. True forgiveness acknowledges the depth of the offense and the seriousness of the behavior, but chooses to free that one from their guilt. It doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences to the behavior, there always are consequences, but the prison sentence is ripped up instead of enforced.
5. Forgiving someone does not make you a weak person.
I’ve heard many people say they feel like they are the weak ones if they choose to forgive their spouse of their affair and that others will look down on them for it.
It is a common feeling, but remember you are doing the harder thing.
The easier way is to go with what is natural to us, and stay angry.
It doesn’t take much effort or work to accomplish that.
But the stronger soul is the one who can learn to release that spouse from the debt they can never pay.
That kind of forgiveness is a rarity today, and something very admirable. Weak people follow the crowd.
Does that mean you allow yourself to be continuously taken advantage of and become a doormat for them to not respect?
Not at all. Boundaries still should be set and kept.
Strong people do the hard things that are contrary to how they feel, which leads to number six.
6. Forgiveness is not a feeling.
Forgiving your spouse is a conscious decision.
You may not feel like forgiving, but forgiveness is often not about how you feel but your decision.
When our feelings are screaming at the injustice of it all, it’s hard not to follow our feelings and stay angry.
But it’s a choice you need to make, sometimes multiple times a day, and it’s not based on if they’re worthy of it (see #1). I
It’s often helpful to say: “I choose to forgive——– for how they hurt me.” Or “they may not deserve it, but I choose to forgive.”
In conclusion,
- although forgiveness is not easy, it’s possible.
- It can’t be conditional or based on your feelings.
- Forgiveness is not about them, it’s really about you and freeing you from the prison of resentment.
- Forgiving someone does not mean you trust them yet, and it’s not an approval of their behavior. Trust needs to be earned, but nobody can ever truly EARN forgiveness.
- Forgiveness is also separate from setting boundaries with that person. Boundaries are a loving way to tell the other what is expected. What will you, or won’t you, tolerate?
“You can say I forgive you, but I still don’t trust you and these are the boundaries you have to abide by for this to work.”
- True forgiveness recognizes the seriousness of their offense, but chooses to declare them free from having to repay you. Because how can anyone ever truly do enough to repay after infidelity?
- Finally, choosing forgiveness is one of the hardest parts of the recovery process after an affair.
But when you learning to forgive makes you a stronger person than most, not weaker because you forgave.
How about you? Are you struggling to forgive your spouse, or someone else? Which one of these resonates with you the most about what forgiveness means and doesn’t mean. (i.e. Trusting them or still having boundaries…) I’d love to hear your comments and input below.
Please make it clear that Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. One can forgive a person by oneself, but to reconcile, both parties must be willing to do the work required to rebuild trust so that reconciliation can occur. One party may be willing to forgive and make the appropriate changes to rebuild trust, but the other party may not be able to make the changes necessary, or may not want to stay in the relationship.
I feel like I’ve forgiven, but can’t stop the replaying of what I imagine the betrayal looked like. Also, doesn’t help that the details meant they were out having fun together, while I was at home with our children. He was a different person for her than he was for me. I don’t know how to overcome this.
This is exactly what I am also having a hard time dealing with . How can I get over the acts of betrayal replaying in my head ?
It’s been three years since I have learnt about his infidelities… why am I still crying? All recommendations say “do not get stuck in it” but how do you NOT get stuck in it? I made a conscious decision to stay in the marriage… I understand why he did what he did. I choose to forgive. But why every time when he wants to get intimate I start crying and find myself “stuck in it” again? How do I get pass it? It’s been three years….
I do not believe you will. I have been trying to remove images out of my head for three years now… nothing works. I even tried to convince myself that before the marriage- right in the beginning, before he told me he loved me, before I knew we would be exclusive – I was ok with the possibility of him being with other women… so why does it bother me now? My issues is not that he had sex with them… But that he wanted to have it with them… he planned for it… he found them, courted them… he put EFFORT into that “relationship “ with them… why did he not put that effort into relationship with me??? He tells me now he regrets what he did… that those were mistakes… I wish he had sex “by drunken accident “… but he did not. I wish he met someone ONE and fell in love and did not how to end it… but he didn’t. So can anyone get the images out? We have two children…if you do not have children-RUN.
JJ, that is my issue too. I was working, getting two of our kids in and out of school, after school activities, had extra part time jobs just to make it easier financially for us… and then I found out he has been taking them on trips… While he told me we had to “tighten out belts” while he would say “no” to an ice-cream upgrade for his own children… he had in-room services… how does one get over that? I am bitter, devastated, and angry. And yet… I still did not leave him.
Rumination, everyone. Our brains are trying to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense so it will replay it as if it is stuck on a loop. Over and over and over. There are ways to get through this but they take work. First, I would recommend professional counseling for those who can afford. Next, if you are able to safely write your thoughts, you should. Get the intrusive thoughts out of your head and into paper where you can see them. If you cannot safely do this then have someone you trust help you. Last I say to ask yourself “what am I going to do about it” and do something.
I made the decision to forgive, asked him to forgive me for always arguing and bringing it up and tried to let it go.
He says he forgives me, sleeps with me and still pursues other women. No repentance, no remorse. He then says it is my fault, or that I have made it up.
I am betrayed, gas lighted & called a liar all at the same time.
So why do I have a broken heart, love him and keep trying?
My kids believe him that I made it all up and they also believe I cause the arguing (because I am always so hurt and try to fight for him to change and stop hurting me) what do I do????
I fast,pray and follow the bible – nothing has changed. He lives here and on his own at the same time so he can be with the children. I had asked him to leave and after 18 years; he did but keeps acting like he is my husband yet fooling around on the side!
He provides for us but also gives money to other women.
I will never leave the home with our children.
We constantly argue, and I cannot seem to let go; therefore I am stuck, while he goes to church and gets more women while the Pastor promotes him in leadership. He deceives everyone, and His Mom gives him food and blankets all the while his family and Friends think I am awful.
I’m so sorry to hear of all this pain and deception you’re experiencing in your marriage. A few things come to my mind of what I would do in your place.
It would do you well to find some clear evidence of the affair since he’s in pure denial mode AND trying to make you look crazy to your kids and everyone else. I
would honestly hire an investigator and get proof- you might really need that one day to protect yourself.
Second, There comes a point when you have to respect yourself enough that you won’t let anyone treat you with disrespect- and him having an affair is disrespecting you.
You said something “I will never leave the home with our children”. I suspect he knows that and is using that to his advantage. He KNOWS you will not do anything to
hold him accountable. The arguing, complaining, accusing…it all is useless at this point. Consider it like dealing with a rebellious teenager. Empty threats with no
follow through leaves no need to change- why should he change? He has you, the house, the kids, the great image… and he can mess around on the side. God does not take
this lightly and you deserve better than that. I am all for marriages recovering Brenda and I actually encourage it when possible. But nothing will change until you take
back some control here. Be willing to look at the options if he breaks your boundaries (of course you need to establish what those are). Then follow through- even if it
means you and the kids move out or you tell him to leave. But this is where you having that proof comes in.
There’s more to say but it’s too much for a quick comment here. take care of you and get some individual counsel.
My partner recently cheated on me and it hurt like hell. It was probably a few days after finding out that I decided to forgive him but he was honest with me and we spoke about everything that lead to that moment when he cheated, I got angry I got sad I knew I loved him and I had to decide whether it was enough for me to want to stay…is love enough. I believe that forgiving him first allowed me to deal with all the other emotions I was feeling and I realised that I did want to make it work because up until that moment we were very happy. We are still working things out and trust is not there but we have understanding and he really wants to make things work too. I have no expectations about our future but if he wants it enough he will make it work and if it doesn’t well then we will know that we tried, I think there is a deeper love for yourself when you allow yourself to forgive your partner.
As a betrayed husband, and three days after my wife told me, I made the conscious decision to forgive her. I told her to her face that she was not a bad person, but that she made a catastrophic decision. I also told her that if she was willing, there could be redemption for her. Not by me, per se, and not only for us, but for her. When I forgave her, I told her that it was for me, that I had been in terrible positions in my younger days that she knew about. It wasn’t until I forgave myself (and others) that I truly got to see a transformation in my life. I said I accepted no responsibility for her decision, but that I would not be the judge, jury, and executioner either. She has risked it all with her affair: me, our family, our friends, her job, finances, etc. Meanwhile, the partner is separated from his spouse and has retreated to the other side of the world because his life is in shambles. I mentioned this to her… if he really loves you so much, then why is he not here fighting the fight? For his wife? Or for you? He presented himself to you, you were weak, I know that I wasn’t the best version of me, but we have been married for 9 years and in that season of life of not doing what we needed to do. You had your moments with him, and then payday came. Now, we are here trying to figure out what the hell to do, and he ran. I mean ran. To the other side of the planet. Literally, to the other physical side of Earth. Now there are two families crushed by this guy, who was “amazing.” I actually feel for the guy in a way, and at some point I have to forgive him, too. (Not quite there, yet..) I almost called up his wife to apologize to her I felt that bad for her. My job is to help my wife. Yes, that is my job. Am I angry? You damn right. Sad? Yup. Hurt? Like having open heart surgery every day without anesthesia. But guess what boys? So is she. I failed somewhere in this that contributed, so I got to address me in this mess, too. Am I taking responsibility for her affair? Not a chance. I’m saying that we are two amazing individuals when combined are absolutely unstoppable. It never went away; our skills just got dull. Did I ever think about leaving her? No, and I did tell her that if she didn’t want to stay, then it would be her walking out the door. Because, there is not a chance in Hell that my daughter will watch her father walk out the door for something that I did not do. We got some work to do, and if my wife is willing to do it with me, then let’s get to it. If not, I still have a reason to live, but that reason would be empowered with my wife by my side.
I found out 9 months ago. The person he cheated with is crazy and has harassed me! It’s like ripping the bandage off over and over while they have gone on with no repercussions. I have highs and lows, and currently in a low. How do I forgive the thing that has killed me inside? How do I trust this won’t happen again?