What Husbands Want Their Unfaithful Wives To Know

‘Do you wish you knew how to help your husband heal from your affair?

This post will help you get inside the heads of some betrayed husbands,
as they share what they want their wives to know.

Why give the men a chance to share?

I wanted to give the betrayed husbands a chance to share what they’ve also going through
to give them a voice when many feel their voice didn’t matter anymore.

This isn’t about being vindictive at all.
It’s just a way for some of them to express their version of the pain,
and what would help them to heal their marriage the most.

I also knew it would be incredibly insightful for us ladies to
see our husbands through a new set of objective eyes.

Often after infidelity, each partner only sees their own pain and
it can be hard to see our partner’s perspective.

We often hurt each other more,
when we don’t see what we’re doing that’s creating more pain.

If you’re a wife who is being, or has been, unfaithful-
I hope by reading these responses from betrayed husbands,
you’ll get a glimpse into what your own husband might be feeling.

*Please keep in mind these are not my opinions, just the opinions of the husbands surveyed.

This is about insight, not guilt, to help you both heal.

This isn’t about causing you more guilt or shame, because I know you’re likely already carrying a lot.
I’ve written posts about emotions of the betrayer and what you affair recovery for you as the unfaithful.

But it’s also hard for a wayward spouse to be fully aware of the deep emotional pain
and confusion a betrayed spouse is dealing with.

If love is to be fully restored in the marriage, an unfaithful wife’s
response to her husband’s suffering must be patience, empathy and understanding.

It will probably go against your initial instincts to respond this way,
but that is what most betrayed husbands truly need to begin healing.
Of course there’s way more to marital restoration after infidelity than that, but it’s a start.

Can I be honest ladies?

They’re not going to always “get it right”.
They won’t always be patient or kind in response to your betrayal.
Sometimes they’ll seem past the worst of it – and then another bad day (or week!)
will happen again.  It’s a normal part of the process of healing from infidelity.

Think of how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

I realize how hard it is for many men to talk about this stuff openly,
so I greatly appreciate the husbands who stepped up to share their feedback for this post.

“What husbands want their unfaithful wives to know
to help their marriage heal”.

These are the questions I asked.

1.What is something a wife who was unfaithful,
can start doing to help you want to return to the marriage?

2. What’s helped your marriage recovery so far, in your opinion.

3. What should she stop doing that has made marriage recovery,
or your feelings for her, worse?

I also created some common categories under each question to make
it easier to read:

1. What is something a wife who was unfaithful,
can start doing to help you want to return to the marriage?

Feeling chosen & be committed to staying.

• Absolutely no contact, get rid of any memorabilia, souvenirs, gifts , letters, that would remind you of this person.
• I have already decided to stay and be here for my family and to make this marriage work
  and it’s very difficult a lot of the times not to just give up because there’s sometimes no progress.
• Good and bad days come and go everyday, (but be committed to the marriage).
• Well, sadly I’m in a position where I’m still waiting for my wife to make the decision to stay.
  After 5 months, I’ve done my best to remain strong, be patient, give space, and allow her to heal
  but also formulate a decision.
• Unfortunately, she has an “avoider” personality so the diffuse state between committing vs loneliness
  is easier her for but equally maddening for me.
• I need to feel chosen by her not- that her decision to stay with me wasn’t brought on by guilt, shame, or necessity due to children etc.
  I want to feel chosen because when we were married, I was chosen.
  However, that feeling left, when she ‘chose’ someone else.
• I understand that space and personal healing are important, but the need to identify the areas that led up to,
  and aided in her making that decision, are laid out, with obvious methods and goals to work towards regarding those challenged areas.
• Initiative in all areas, while may be exhausting, are necessary on her part.
  It is also important to note that the men, or the betrayed spouse, has just as much to work on because the betrayed
  obviously played a part in making the opposite feeling the way the felt. (usually the case).

Showing true remorse and feelings for my pain.

• Be patient with me.  I are making mistakes too.
  I am dealing with my pain the best I know how to, but I am trying to move forward with you.
• She can really show some true remorse for the affair.
  A real apology would be nice and not just: “I’m sorry for the affair” (without being prompted).
• Not minimize her actions and or blame me (the betrayed husband) for the affair.
• Show some effort in reading and or looking for outside professional help not just hoping time takes care of this.
  Not wanting to discuss anything about the affair.
• She could initiate some  type of affection and or without being prompted tell me
  She loves me and that shes truly sorry for the hurt and pain that this has caused.
• Take initiative. If you can’t let us know why some days are hard for you, I get it.
  What you’re dealing with is on a whole different level-
  but if you can’t be the initiator for lots of things because the day is hard, be communicative, but loving in your approach.
• I wish she would realize her eating disorder is an issue and other problems she has.
• Unfaithful wives need to look internally to see if they have any unhealthy habits that could lead to bad behavior.

Being honest & willing to answer my questions.

• Be honest with the questions I’ve asked.
• Don’t control what you tell me.
  I know my questions bring bad memories and shame,
  but when you tell me what you want to tell me, and I find out later there was more- it sets me back
  to the beginning and makes me lose more trust in you.
• Will I ever reach a time when I can’t come back from that lack of trust
  when I keep discovering more lies from her?  I don’t know.
• Half truths are a big one. Listen, you’ve already done the deed.
  Sugar coating or giving me the pretty portion without the dark, isn’t okay. It hinders trust building.
• I’m not in a position to want to know all the details anymore, although they do plague me.
  However if I ask a question, I expect complete honesty, which is what we, as the betrayed, should give in return.

2. What’s helped your marriage recovery the most in your opinion so far?

• When we are able to have a productive discussion that helps us move forward.
• Being able to spend quality time together.
• I’ve read and continue to read all articles, blogs etc… that I can find online. Some help more than others.
  Looking at the positive, and thinking about what we could be, if we can get through this.
• Talking with me and planning things as if we do actually have a future together.
• A caring, humble attitude, and spending a lot of time together doing fun things.
• Knowing that you want to be back with me after all was said and done.
• Really reflecting on what went wrong and how I could improve as a husband,
• When she shows she really cares about what I’m going through, in all this.
• When she stops and listens to me and puts her arms around me and cares,
  instead of shifting blame or wanting to hurry me along when I’m having a bad day.
• Honestly, communication, initiative, and some reasonable transparency.
  I don’t believe in the concept of allowing the betrayed to look at emails, phones, etc.
  I feel that those actions actually cause more harm than good by playing into the betrayed’s insecurities;
  which in the end hinders trust or the rebuilding of trust. This is based on what’s helped me the most.
• I’d say personal counseling.  A counselor dedicated
  to the growth of the betrayed is of the utmost importance.
  They’ve played a part in helping us through the whole situation.
• Talking to friends. And friends support.

3. What should she stop doing that has made marriage recovery,
or your feelings for her worse?

Continued contact with the affair partner.

• Stop meeting/calling AP and work on reconciliation.
• I am a little over 4 months from D-day and found out one month ago
  there has been (continued) contact with the AP through social media.
• I found a hidden account that was left open on her phone.
  She says it was only 3 different occasions where she just wanted to check on him.
  I feel like I’ve started back at day one.
  It hurt just as bad- To the point where now she’s showed what lengths she will go to to sustain contact.
• For her to completely and honestly drop any contact, and put as much or more effort
  into trying to fix our marriage and family, than she did in hiding the affair would show a lot.

Boundaries, choices & feelings.

• Showing me that she really didn’t care about my feelings.
• Stop using my grief and pain against me as a weapon.
• Quit doubting my ability to forgive you.
• If there were friends that knew: (i.e. Her best friend knew, offered her house as a safe haven for the affair, etc.)
  Know that each time you spend time with that friend, is blatant disrespect to your spouse.
  It is imperative that despite your friend’s intentions of “being there for their friend” they now carry the label of no respect for marriage,
  but also no respect for the betrayed. That needs addressed.
• Boundaries are necessary and to be honest, a full apology, sincere apology, is necessary.
  It should never be a choice between your friends, and your spouse,
  but if it came down to it, then your friends should be the easy decision to let go of.
  If that’s not the case, then it’s clear that your heart is not where it needs to be to heal and without the respect,
  your marriage will not survive.
• If your affair partner has employment at the same place: If it were up to me, then the betrayer should leave the workplace.
  The environment is no longer appropriate, no matter the leaps and bounds that they take to make work appropriate.
  That’s a consequence to their decision. We as the betrayed did not get a choice in the matter.
• My wife says I told family members but that was after my (kids) were home when the discovery was made.
  They told family members and close friends but still blames me.
  Now my family and her family are divided.
  I wish she would have approached my family and apologize instead of staying in a cocoon and feeling victimized.

Her indecision about choosing me or the AP.

• My wife hasn’t done anything to save the marriage. She’s been planning to leave for the past 6 months,
  and said she hasn’t garnered enough courage yet. She often triggers/dares me to file for divorce and has no remorse or guilt.
• My feelings are being chipped away at -due to her indecision.
  I told myself ‘I could ‘fight till the end of time’ for the love of my life but truthfully and realistically,
  mentally and physically I cannot. Her indecision is a literal marriage killer.
  If you are a wife that is in the unique position of deciding what to do or not, please take heed: While healing has no time boundaries,
  the longer you wait to make a decision whether to stay or to leave, the more difficult your chances of making it work become.
  The betrayed will begin healing and ideally, it should be with the spouse.
• Healing alone is important but if the goal is to heal together for the marriage, then a decision is needed.
•  If you are like my wife, who has spent the last months wondering what to do, realize that I am healing without you.
  When I’m healing without you,(I lose my) emotional strength that I had when I forgave you, and made the decision to stay-
  despite your decision to have an affair.
• Each day is a little piece of our heart and realistically one can only manage that for so long before there’s nothing left.
• Well, sadly I’m in a position where I’m still waiting for my wife to make the decision to stay.
  After 5 months, I’ve done my best to remain strong, be patient, give space, and allow her to heal but also formulate a decision.
• Unfortunately, she has an “avoider” personality so the diffuse state between committing vs loneliness is easier her,
  but equally maddening for me.
• Sadly I’m stuck in purgatory as my wife who cheated, hasn’t yet made a decision to stay or leave, I could go on for days.

If you like this post, you might also like:

5 ways to help your husband heal.

What no contact with an affair partner means.

Why your betrayed husband wants details.

17 common mistakes unfaithful wives make.

My letter to you if you’re a wife who was unfaithful.

Home page