3 Things to know about feelings after an affair.
After an affair, if a couple decides to work on healing their marriage,
one of the most misunderstood questions they ask is:
The betrayed spouse is angry, resentful and very hurt.
They often struggle with unforgiveness from the betrayal
of the one they loved most; understandably wondering
if they will ever trust him/her again.
The unfaithful spouse is trying to let go of their shame
over what they’ve done, & maybe unresolved resentment.
Sometimes they’re even struggling with residual feelings
for their affair partner, in the early days of recovery
with their spouse again.
So, the feelings for each other may not have fully returned yet;
even though they’ve made the decision to stay and work on their marriage.
This can be incredibly confusing to navigate.
(Be sure to read Part 2 when finished with this post)
>Part 1 When feelings for your spouse haven’t returned yet.
Part 2 “How to fall in love with your spouse again after infidelity.”
But here’s some things I want you to understand about
the feelings for your spouse after infidelity.
1. It’s very normal to not feel the same loving feelings for them at first.
We often expect our feelings to turn back on like a light switch,
but it doesn’t usually work like that.
Remind yourself- it’s normal.
Just don’t let that distract you from your focus of healing your marriage.
Most couples will go through this in the early months of working on
restoring their marriage.
Don’t let it freak you out, and don’t let the lack of passionate,
or loving feelings, convince you to throw it all away.
2. Your feelings will lie to you.
Infidelity brings so much instability into a relationship, that we often
can’t see past the feelings within us.
We start to trust our feelings as thought they’re facts.
It’s easy to do this, when everything else is uncertain.
But your feelings can lie to you, and after an affair, they likely will lie for awhile.
Understand that your feelings are fickle, & because of that,
you’ll often hear lies in your head like:
“that this will never work out”,
“why bother trying”,
“it’ll always be like this”,
“I had more feelings for the AP”,
“I don’t even trust her/him now,
how can I love her like I used to?”
“the feelings won’t ever return…”.
& the lies go on like that…blah, blah, blah.
But it’s not true.
It doesn’t have to stay this way, and it won’t, if you stay focused on the goal of healing.
3. Returning love and desire starts with a decision and a choice.
Making the choice to love them, regardless of how you feel,
is what opens the door to a deeper love than you thought possible.
Because your feelings will eventually follow your decision.
Your feelings will eventually catch up, once you’ve made the decision and choice
to love them through the pain, while you both wait to get to the other side of this.
I know that’s not the
glamorous answer you were
hoping for, but this isn’t Hollywood.
Making the choice to love them
is a powerful part of true, lasting love
that goes beyond the first stage of falling in love
and feelings of Limerence.
Love that comes from a decision of choice is the type of mature love
that lasts the test of time, and gets you to your 50th wedding anniversary.
Remember, the decision part comes first, and then the feelings will follow.
Of course you’ll each have to work harder to overcome issues, because of the infidelity.
But I’m here to give you hope,that the fullness of love for your spouse
can return in your marriage again.
My husband and I, and many other couples, are living proof of this.
Try not to get discouraged… healing a marriage after infidelity takes time, perseverance and patience.
But if we can do it, you can too!
Again, Here’s part 2 of this post “How to fall in love with your spouse again after infidelity.”
Are you the unfaithful wife? Click here to read my message to you.
Trying to make sense of everything as the betrayed husband? Click here.