When the wife betrayed her husband
The top 5 questions most men ask after finding out about their wife’s affair
Did you find this page because you’re looking for answers about your wife’s affair?
Hearing the words “a wife betrayed her husband” was likely not anything you would have expected to hear about your own marriage.
You may be wondering who your wife really is these days. She probably doesn’t seem to be the same woman you married.
- Maybe you’ve watched your wife make crazy decisions, and her behavior seems so uncharacteristic for her.
This is what most husbands write to tell me about their wives, when they find out she was unfaithful.
- She is in the midst of “affair fog” my friend, the most dangerous phase of the affair healing process. Maybe you don’t even know the truth of where she is in the affair process, it’s hard to trust what she’s saying right now. Honestly, until you know she’s truly finished with the affair, and maintained ‘No Contact’ with her affair partner, you probably can’t trust what she’s saying yet. I know this from first hand experience myself. Read this to get an idea of stages of an affair.
You’re likely hurting very badly right now. Just know that what you’re feeling is normal and you will get through this!
Here are a few common questions many husbands wonder when their wives have been unfaithful:
1. To divorce or not divorce?
- I’m not here to tell you to divorce, or not to divorce. That’s such a personal decision and every couple is different with a different set of circumstance. So don’t listen to anyone who tells you YOU MUST divorce her.
- What I would say is you owe it to yourself, and your family, to take some time before making any lifelong decisions like that. Especially if you’ve just found out about the affair. You are still in a very raw emotional state of mind and making huge decisions about divorce is probably not great to do right now.
2. What am I supposed to do now?
- Think about setting a decision date, after a certain length of time that you think is fair. This decision date is just for you to know about, not her. But it’s to gauge where she is at that time in ending the affair, and where your marriage is. It does take time and patience, so if you really want your marriage with her to work, give it at least 6-12 months out before making that decision.
- Just be aware, sometimes it will look worse before it gets better. I know you probably don’t want to hear that, but the better can be so much better.
- Maintain self-care. That means eating right and sleeping as best that you can. Also, alcohol may seem a way to drown the sorrows, but it can lead to more problems if it’s too much.
Read this post about how to cope when your wife is having an affair.
- Pray. Regardless of where you are in your faith. Maybe you don’t have any faith in God or Jesus, I don’t know. I can only tell you that HE was the main piece of the solution that helped us heal, forgive and recover in our marriage. Give Him a chance. Just talk to Him like a friend, He’s listening. You can read more about this here.
- Read these posts on what to do when your wife won’t end her affair, and what not to do.
3. Is there something wrong with me as a man that my wife cheated on me?
- It’s easy to come to that conclusion. Anyone who has been cheated on will usually feel defective or not enough. But don’t let yourself go down that road too much.
- Maybe your marriage had some issues that needed addressing, what marriage doesn’t? But your wife was the one that made the choices she did, not you. Whatever was lacking in her life was something she needed to address. She just chose the wrong way to fill that void, as I did too.
- Some men say “my wife blames me for her unhappiness”. It’s easy to blame others when we screw up, but we’re all responsible for our own decisions. Even our own happiness.
I also believe there are more challenges to healing for a man, when the wife betrayed her husband.
- There’s more info out there when the HUSBAND was unfaithful and the wife was betrayed. This often makes betrayed husbands feel like the minority and misunderstood.
- It’s easy to feel embarrassed as a man, and not want to talk about it with anyone. We often have this mistaken idea that the guy is supposed to be the ‘night in shining armor’ and if his wife strays, it’s because of him. That’s not really true, or fair. There is no shame in what you are dealing with.
- Men have a need to feel respected and admired. Infidelity is the biggest blow to anyone’s self respect and ego…especially a guy.
- Often guys may worry what their friends and family will think they’re weak if they decide to stay and work on their marriage with their wife. (Honestly, my husband really struggled with this one, sometimes even now! So that feeling is real.
4. Will I ever be able to forgive her and can our marriage really survive this?
- More marriages survive this than most people know. According to the website “First Things”, they say:
“The good news is there are huge numbers of marriages that don’t just survive affairs, they are significantly better than they were before the affair. The key to a marriage surviving an affair lies in its good marital history. If 20 percent of a couple’s history is simultaneously viewed as positive by both spouses, they have a better than 90 percent chance of making it.”
- Yes, your wife needs to end all contact with her affair partner first. That’s the obvious, but not always easy, first step. But if you both get to the place of wanting to make your marriage work, it really can. Read our marriage story here.
- Read this post on what forgiveness is NOT.
5. Who can I tell about my wife’s affair?
- When a wife is the one who cheated, many people will rally to the aid of the husband and badmouth the wife. As the betrayed husband, you might feel pressure from people to split up. But in the end, this is your life and your marriage. Splitting up a marriage may be more common these days, but it sure isn’t an easy answer for the family.
- Be careful who you tell about her affair. Get the right kind of support with people who can be respective of your need for time before making decisions. Also, try to only tell people who won’t spread gossip about the infidelity. That might mean being elusive with family members about the reasons for the tension they may see.
Whew, I know that was a lot of information and your head might be spinning.
- don’t let anyone tell you to divorce or not right now.
- Give yourself a decision date to determine if anything looks promising.
- Maintain self-care (& children if there are any).
- pray, pray, pray.
- Know that this isn’t your fault and that nothing is wrong with you personally.
- Yes, your marriage can survive, IF you both are willing to do the hard work for recovery and forgiveness. (my own marriage is a testimony to this!)
- Be careful who you share this information with, about your wife’s affair.
Have you seen my post that’s a letter for betrayed husbands?
If not check it out here.
I truly care about what you and your wife are going through.
“Remember… feelings will eventually follow your decisions.”