If you’ve been in your affair for any length of time,
you’ve likely asked yourself this question.
(even if just in your own head)
Here are 5 crucial points to consider.
Unless you’re in this affair for a one night stand, or an easy fling,
this question will eventually come into your mind….is person marriage material?
I’m going to just be real here.
At some point in my own affair, I had to wonder whether the affair partner would make a good enough husband to me,
if my marriage ended in divorce. (But honestly, I knew in my heart it would be hard to compare).
Because what was the purpose of all this, if we didn’t end up being married one day?
Was I becoming reduced to having a fling? Or, did I want this thing to survive in real life?
I had to eventually ask myself those things and my answers were eye opening for me.
This is what I discovered from my own infidelity experience.
1. Affairs are unsustainable for real life and unlikely to endure.
A woman continues an affair based on her feelings and emotional needs being met.
Yet, if their relationship was based in the real world, with real world routines and hardships, their relationship would most likely fail.
Read what Dr. Frank Pittman says, (he’s the author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy).
“The probability of affairs ending in marriages is not very high — between three and five percent.
While fewer than 25 percent of cheaters leave a marriage for an affair partner, according to one source,
most of those relationships are statistically extremely unlikely to endure.”
It makes sense since the relationship started under the alliance of lies and secrecy.
Will her affair partner be a good step-father to her children?
The reality is that in most affairs, they haven’t really focused on the children or the children’s needs during the affair.
It has been mostly about them and their own feelings and desires, whenever they’ve been together.
It would help if a woman asks herself a few practical questions like these…
- Can he provide financially for the lifestyle I was used to?
- Is he as patient with me in all situations, and would he be patient and loving with the children?
- How does he interact with other people, relatives, friends, strangers, the waiter or waitress at restaurants?
Is he kind, patient and caring to them or seems to get demanding?
- Do I want a family where my kids are split between homes if I marry my affair partner?
- What will my relationship with my kids be like, when they discover I chose my affair partner over their father, and them?
- What are his habits and routines? Will those eventually annoy me?
- If they end up married, an unfaithful woman will inevitably compare her lover to her current husband, were does he stack up or not?
Remember that most relationships start out seeing only the best side of someone.
Your future, and the future of your family, is dependent on you asking the hard questions now.
Most women honestly don’t want to notice any faults because her lover is fulfilling her most important needs.
Plus, most people want others to see only their best side.
There’s also a real phenomenon called “affair fog”, that occurs to affair partners acting out in the affair. They begin to lose sense of
reality and can only see their AP through ‘rose colored glasses’ and begin rewriting their marriage history of happiness.
You can read what affair fog is not. And what affair fog is, and understand the signs.
2. There are no bills to pay or dirty diapers to change in affair fantasy land.
Affairs also exist in a type of fantasy world. This is a world of no worries about bills that need paying, dinners that need making or screaming kids wanting attention.
No one really grocery shops after a long day at work in Affair Fantasyland.
Affairs don’t usually include the daily routine of laundry and responsibilities.
An affair partner doesn’t have to stay up late with sick kids who are throwing up from the flu.
They get to go home at night after the fling with you is over.
That’s part of the allure of an affair though. There are no real world demands and responsibilities.
They can be the hero that brings flowers and love notes and have all the positive sides of a relationship,
without any of the difficulties that real world marriages go through.
On the contrary, real life is hard.
Real life husbands are there when their wives need a break from the kids, and encourage her to pursue her hobbies and girlfriends.
Real life husbands are responsible and help support the family financially,
even if they were out of work, their wives know they care and they’re hard workers.
Good husbands show up when it’s not easy and fun to be a Dad and a husband. and they try harder next time when they mess up.
Most good husbands help their wives when they’re sick in bed, and they seek to serve her.
They still love her even when she doesn’t look so great in the morning without makeup,
or when she gained a little weight since their wedding day.
That’s real life.
It’s ugly and hard, and not neatly wrapped in a pretty little bow; ready and able to show it’s best side.
Maybe you’re husband is not all those things I listed a real life or good husband to be.
Maybe that’s part of why you strayed. That’s hard and you have real needs that need attention.
But remember that no man is perfect, and we all have our flaws, you’re probably not seeing your affair partner’s faults yet.
Also, it’s a whole lot easier to water your own lawn, than to leave it for other greener grass. ”
You’ll likely find out later it’s just artificial turf.
3. Infidelity always shows its best side.
It’s there with heels on and lipstick. The romance is always alive and the passion is hot.
It doesn’t require much because it knows it doesn’t fully have you.
You’re not all in because you have a family at home waiting for you.
So for now, you can feel young and pretty for a little while.
It’s easier to pretend it’s everything you needed in life; that this lover is your soul-mate.
But it’s not based on reality. It’s based on a lie, and a lie is still a lie no matter how many times you’ve told yourself it’s all real.
Early in an affair, most of us women see what we wanted to see in our affair partners. It’s normal.
Do you think that can be true with you?
As time goes on, and the affair progresses into some real life situations, many women may begin to see
more and more weaknesses in her lover that she didn’t notice before.
Ask yourself, friend, years from now when you’re old and gray,
who will you want on that rocking chair by your side?
Be very honest with yourself. These questions are only for you to reflect on.
Do you really know enough of this man that you’ve had such a passionate affair with?
What is the depth of his character and his soul?
Has he been married before? What were the issues in his other marriage and were they addressed?
Many people take those problems into their new marriage.
Maybe right now, you just can’t make a decision to either end the affair or end the marriage…
You might be interested in reading about ending an affair when you’re ambivalent.
4. Many affair partners believe they love each other and are “soul mates”.
Is that will make him a good husband?
Really? I would guess she also had that same idea when she married her husband.
Being ‘ in love’ does not make a good marriage that will last. Otherwise the divorce rate wouldn’t be at 50% now.
The “love” they feel is probably the type of love that is real and powerful and passionate…and unfortunately not sustainable for the long haul.
It’s the first stage every love relationship goes through, it’s called Limerence.
Read this post to learn more of the 16 signs you’re in ‘Limerence Love’.
Every marriage goes through cycles or stages of love.
Sure it’s easy in the beginning to feel in love with someone else,
but what about the 3rd stage of love when disillusionment sets in?
Or when they don’t seem like who they once were?
What’s important for every woman in an affair to understand, the chemical reaction occurring in her brain.
There’s a release of dopamine and oxytocin, when she’s with her lover.
This is similar to the reaction an addict has to a substance they are addicted to, or the feeling of excitement a gambler feels when he enters a casino.
This reaction makes it much harder to simply break off the affair without taking drastic steps.
This makes it much harder to simply break off the affair without taking drastic steps.
This does not equal the selfless, sacrificing type of sustainable love.
Until she faces that reality, she risks losing her marriage and ending up with nothing.
Learn more about the common signs of affair fog here.
5. “If a man is willing to cheat with you, are they later willing to cheat on you?”
I heard that statement many times from various counselors and friends, and I didn’t want to listen to it.
I thought “well, I’m also a cheater in that scenario, so who am I to say that about him?”
That may be true but it’s still a question every woman in an affair needs to ask themselves.
What is the character and moral compass of the man you’re in an affair with?
Many affair partners will eventually cheat on their lover, and it is usually a big wake up call for most women when she discovers it.
But should we really be surprised?
Personal story: I discovered there were other women on dating internet sites that my AP was establishing relationships with. |
Many men in affairs are out for themselves, and the thought of ‘being left with nobody’ will cause them to have a few on standby,
should their main lover not leave her husband and family.
It’s actually pretty common.
Yet that shouldn’t be too surprising.
If a man is willing to have an affair with you, wouldn’t he also be willing to cheat on you later?
We like to tell ourselves that we are different and he would never cheat on us, but what does it say about his integrity if he is willing to help you lie to your current spouse?
Even if he is not married, does he really have integrity to encourage you to lie?
Is this man really ‘so great’ if he is willing to put his own wants and needs above that of splitting apart a family and breaking the hearts of children in that family?
If you married this person, would it be in the back of your mind that he could possibly cheat on you one day?
As I stated earlier, Do you want a marriage that began on a foundation of lies, secrets and sneaking around?
Marriage is hard enough these days but throwing those qualities in the mix, make it even harder.
- Affairs are not sustainable for real life hardships and routines.
- Life is easy in Affair Fantasyland and infidelity always shows its best side.
- What will happen to the relationship once the powerful addictive drug of an affair wears off?
- Is this the type of man you want to grow old and gray with? Has he put you and your children first or his own needs and desires?
- Most men willing to cheat with you will later cheat on you.
- Statistics show second and third marriages are more than likely to fail. Add to the mix- a relationship that was started on lies and secrets?
Leave a comment and let me know what you think.
YOU MIGHT LIKE THESE POSTS TOO:
Married but in love with someone else.
11 lies you might believe that sabotage affair break up.
Are you microcheating? here’s 11 signs of it.
How to end an affair for good.
warning signs you might be having an emotional affair.
You are giving the husband way, way,way too much credit and an affair partner way, way, too little. My husband and I should never have been married. I think we thought it would work. We had a child and our marriage became non existent in EVERY way. Attempts to talk, go to counseling, pray about it fell apart because I was the only one doing the work, as always. My partner loves me in a way my husband should have. He has shown me that he does and will love and support me through good and bad times. My husband won’t initiate a divorce because financially neither one of us can live alone at the moment. He has lulled himself into complacency that this is fine and I must be okay with it. He never made any attempts to work on our marriage, even when he knew I was slipping away. My partner has been the man I should have married for many reasons other than physical. Maybe your advice might apply for some women, but definitely not for me.
What about a husband who had an emotional affair that grew into a physical one after he left his wife and marriage, with a woman he has known for as long as he knows his wife, with woman who has never married before?! And that relationship has been going on for 8,9,10 months ?!
Debbie Rose says
I’m not sure what you’re asking- it’s still an affair and still wrong. It would always be better to end one relationship before
starting another and cheating on a spouse no matter how long they knew each other.
Debbie Rose says
Hi Renee, I appreciate the feedback and can understand your position. You’re correct that the points in this post may not apply to every
husband being the “good one”. Many marriages go stale from lack of prioritization and complacency is all too easy and common for marriages over time.
My point is- it’s easy to think an affair partner is the better choice and that this blissful state of attention and love will always be there- even
if you married for many years. But the statistics don’t lie, and over 90-95% of marriages that started out as affair partners end in divorce by the 5 year point.
Maybe you could be that 5-10% that makes it, who knows. But a relationship built upon lies is already starting with a faulty foundation- add the stress of kids
and blended families, reputation and finances and it’s a bigger strain in the “real world” than they ever felt together during their affair.
Maybe separating from your husband, while also ending the affair, will be a way to sort through the truth. Does your husband know about the affair? You don’t mention that.
How can a husband know the dire condition his marriage is in, and have a chance to really change, without really knowing about the affair?
But I’m not naive enough to think every husband is a knight in shining armor though- but don’t blindly think a new man is going to be either.
Every relationship starts out with our best foot forward. See my post on Limerence. I wish you the best.